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July 2003
« June 2003 | Main | August 2003 »Bob Hope, womanizer
Filed under: Imported

(Hope with actress Barbara Payton, from an article about her at the Filmfax website.)
Not to get too technical, but weblog "publishers" are able to track the hits that their pages get, as well as where those readers came from. (Don't worry, it's all anonymous.) In the last couple days, I've gotten a lot of traffic from Google searches about Bob Hope. Interestingly, the key words turning up most often are "Bob Hope womanizer". (There are also a fair number of people looking up "Bob Hope asshole", but that's not so surprising.) Since yours truly is always interested in giving his readers what they want, I thought I'd share some of my favorite anecdotes pertaining to that subject from Arthur Marx's biography The Secret Life of Bob Hope.
His longtime secretary Jan King summed him up best: "He's a lecher who had women stashed all over town." His payroll was always filled with his latest girlfriends, and he actually had an apartment building close to his house filled with his current "dates". (He even had an employee whose job was to make sure the girls got their monthly payoffs.) Hope never met a beauty queen he couldn't-- and wouldn't-- hit on, which was his main reason for emceeing so many pageants over the years.
Jan King's interview with the Globe in 1991 was one of only three times Hope's philandering was ever made public (before Marx's book, that is). The first was a famous 1956 piece in Confidential, a gossip magazine of the time. It featured an interview with B-movie actress Barbara Payton about her time with Bob. In it, she complained that the only gifts he'd ever given her were a kingsize bed and three jars of jam. (After Hope dumped her, her alcoholism became severe and she ended up as a five-dollar hooker before committing suicide at 39.)
She was replaced immediately by Marilyn Maxwell, an Iowa-born actress who had earlier had an affair with Frank Sinatra. Bob wasn't shy about telling her what he wanted. From the Marx book:
"Hy Steinman, publisher of the now-defunct Confidential magazine, tells of a time when Hope and Maxwell were flying back from a golfing weekend in his private plane, when the comedian suddenly got the urge to have her perform oral sex on him while they were in the air.
"She seemed agreeable to this until she discovered he had a bad case of poison ivy on his penis, which he had contracted while urinating in some deep rough on the golf course. Seeing his condition, Maxwell recoiled in horror. But Hope saw no problem. 'I'll use a condom,' he advised."
As you might expect from the above, Bob's technique wasn't the greatest. Another B-movie actress, Jeanne Carmen, said of her first time with him, "I don't even remember [it]. That's how exciting it was." (She also referred to Hope as a "cheap prick" and she didn't mean it lovingly.) Many years later in a phone conversation, Hope told her that he woke up with a hard-on so big he "had to drop the window on it," to which she replied, "It must have been a small window."
Just as Hope was known to cheat on the women he was cheating on his wife with, there's a dark side to Bob's dark side that's disturbing, to say the least. His daughter Linda (whose lesbianism displeased her rightwing old man no end) went to an elite Hollywood parochial school with the daughters of many famous people in showbiz. According to one classmate, "Hope was actually repulsive around young girls. He had a dirty mouth, and he was kind of perverted. By perverted, I mean, like, well, he was an exhibitionist. Sometimes he'd come out without any clothes on, or if he was dressed, his fly would be open. And then he'd pretend it was a mistake. He was actually pretty open about it." Finally, her father told her she couldn't visit her friend because "Bob Hope is a very bad man."
So let's hear it for Bob-- great patriot, comedian, and family man. And great, great lover.

P.S. For a guy who was supposed to be so funny, his lack of comedic range is remarkable. He had one character-- Bob Hope-- and it didn't change one iota in seven decades. Some, like Phyllis Diller, would disagree; she told Marx, "He does two great dialects-- Negro and fag-- he just can't do them in public!"
Maybe he displayed more sides of himself on his official website. While it seems a bit out-of-date (except for the new "In memoriam" front page), now that Bob's completely dead, he might have more time to keep it current.
And finally, for those not easily offended, click here for the worst Hope photo ever. (Keep in mind, it's over three years old.)
Posted by Steve Monaco at July 31, 2003 2:47 AM
Darn good intelligence
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Darwin was wrong.
(Thanks to Bartcop for the find.)
Posted by Steve Monaco at July 30, 2003 2:56 AM
In other news, Hell freezes over
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I thought it would never happen, but Bob Hope finally croaked.
My question: How could they tell?

Bob "Nosferatu" Hope (photo taken three years ago)
P.S. For another, even worse pic of Bob, click here. And for an antidote to the tons of "Patriotic Bob" stories clogging the news services right now, you might want to check out a piece I did on an NPR report about the truth behind his USO shows.
Posted by Steve Monaco at July 29, 2003 1:20 AM
The Monday Movie Quiz #12
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Since there were so few correct answers to last week's dialogue clip from the greatest movie of all time (according to yours truly and Sight and Sound's annual critics' poll), it's back to music for this week's quiz clue. (Note: File size is 300K.) The only hints I'll give you are that it's from the '60s (which you'll know anyway as soon as you hear it) and that it follows one of the most memorable credits/themes in movie history. If you think you know the name of the film, send me an email before Sunday night turns into Monday morning, and you'll join next week's swingin' winners circle.Posted by Steve Monaco at July 28, 2003 3:03 AM
The Outbursts of Everett True by Condo & Raper (1907)
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(Everett will return to his usual blog slot on Saturday.)
Posted by Steve Monaco at July 28, 2003 1:52 AM
Last week's Movie Quiz winners
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I have to admit, I'm surprised at how few people identified last week's clue clip. True, I tried to make it a little difficult-- having Orson Welles whisper "Rosebud" would have been no fun for anybody-- but this brief speech is still one of the film's best known and loved moments. Welles himself was especially fond of it and gave full credit for the lovely words to his co-writer, Herman J. Mankiewicz. It was delivered by Everett Sloane, an original member of The Mercury Theater and a veteran radio actor. (Welles blamed those years doing radio for Sloane's later, weaker film performances, and said he gave the actor's character in The Lady from Shanghai crutches and leg braces because he felt Sloane was no longer able to move naturally on screen.)
So congrats to the usual handful of quiz winners for knowing Citizen Kane well enough to identify Mr. Bernstein's wistful speech about the girl in a summer dress: Wayne A. Palmer, Peter at Mudville, E. Yarber and Chris Bahn.
Posted by Steve Monaco at July 28, 2003 1:44 AM
Bad Dialogue of the Week-- Dubya meets Pete & Ray
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This week's clip is a real curio: the first press conference Bush Jr. gave in early 2001, where he answers questions from a very hostile Peter Haskett and Raymond Huffman. Pete accuses Dubya of theft and Ray challenges his war record. In other words, they do a better job in 90 seconds than the real press corps has done to date. (Note: File size is 240K.)
As for where this clip came from originally, I don't have any idea, I swear . . .
Posted by Steve Monaco at July 25, 2003 7:18 PM
The Great Pretender(s)
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No one will make it through Bush Jr.'s reign without being personally insulted, and that now includes Korean War veterans.
This weekend will see many memorial services around the country in honor of the 50th anniversary of the signing of the Korean War armistice. A big one is scheduled on Saturday in Washington D.C. After the more somber part of the ceremony, there will be a concert for the attending vets featuring three favorite acts of the era: The Platters, The Coasters and The Drifters.
But according to Jon Newton at Gnutella News, "there's a problem. These Coasters aren't THE Coasters, and The Platters aren't THE Platters and The Drifters certainly aren't THE Drifters." (You can read the whole story here.) The official press release for the event also claims that the vets will be treated to "the sound of Motown," a label that didn't even exist during the Korean War.
In other words, these veterans will find themselves "honored" on this special day by a cheesy casino-level show by three ripoff groups that had nothing to do with any of the original hits.
Quite the tribute. Maybe the ersatz Platters should change the title of one of "their" songs that night to "Smoke Gets Up Your Ass".
P.S. Here's a good piece on the vets today and their memories of the war, and-- for the terminally bored-- here's the original press release for the event from The Department of Defense. And here's a recent piece on the disastrous economic policy of Bush & Co. that features the following paragraph:
"How will Bush pay for his 'shock and awe' tax package? The administration and Republican leadership in Congress are proposing steep cuts in Medicare, Medicaid, student loans, school lunches, child care, food stamps, homeland security, and just about every basic social and human service program. Republican leaders in Congress have taken the brutal irony to an even higher level by claiming 'patriotism' as a rationale for reducing military veterans' benefits by $14 billion in order to fund additional tax breaks to the rich. These are the same veterans who fought in the Gulf and Iraq wars. There's an old saying in Las Vegas -- where, unlike Washington, they don't change the bottom line or hide behind patriotic slogans for political convenience or advantage. It goes, 'Figures don't lie and liars figure.'
Posted by Steve Monaco at July 24, 2003 9:22 PM
The Return of Martin and Lewis
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What could possibly be worse than seeing these two unfunny creeps get back together? (Assuming for a moment that it was possible, since Dino's dead.) Well, how about seeing their two untalented sons unite on stage? Which is just what happened this past weekend in Buffalo, NY at the annual Italian Heritage Days festival.
"Ricci Martin and Gary Lewis performed together for the first time [...] in a hastily arranged pairing that both say appealed to them right away.
"The two sang a song together and talked about their fathers after Martin finished his stage tribute to Dean Martin.
"Not only was the weekend show the first time the two performed together, it was the first time they had ever met. They set up the joint appearance by phone last week."
This has the possibilities of being a so-bad-it's-great event. Ricci made one of the shittiest little rock albums of the late '70s (produced by his soon-to-be brother-in-law, Beach Boy Carl Wilson) and Gary is best known for singing lead nasal with his band The Playboys. In other words, they both suck on ice as singers and performers. Here's hoping someone had a tape rolling and it winds up on a newsgroup soon.
Until then, here's their foul-mouthed fathers recording a promo for their movie The Caddy. They sound like Pete and Ray without the charm. (Note: File size is 500K.)

(Here's Gary onstage in 1999, either rocking out or pinching off a loaf.)
Posted by Steve Monaco at July 23, 2003 10:33 PM
Poor Stan Lee
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How the smilin' have fallen
In case you missed it on Friday, here's an absolutely ridiculous news item about an upcoming cartoon series.
"A unit of Playboy Enterprises Inc. on Friday said it plans to develop a new animated television series starring Hugh Hefner, founder of Playboy magazine, and his famed centerfold girls in another move to introduce the Playboy brand to younger generations.
"Hefner, an icon of the American sexual revolution, will be the mastermind behind a sexy, sophisticated squad of Playmates that will fight the 'enemies of the democracy' in Hef's Superbunnies, the cartoon series to be developed by Stan Lee."
I admit, when I first read this, the comics-loving boy in me couldn't help groaning, "What the fuck, Stan!" It's not like he's ever been a shining example of artisitic integrity-- over the past four decades, he's already sold out more than Mannheim Steamroller concerts in Des Moines-- but still, those of us who grew up with the original '60s Marvel books can't help but be saddened by this pathetic attempt of Stan the Man's to cash in so blatantly. It begs the question: Didn't Spiderman, The Fantastic Four, et al make him rich enough to avoid doing crap like this?
But wait! According to this story from the Sunday edition of the L.A. Times, his company, Stan Lee Media Inc., not only has never made a profit but its executive vice president Stephen M. Gordon is possibly going to jail for his role in breaking the company. (Feel free to use my username & password to read it: couchpundit/couchpundit)
"In the long, hot summer of 2000, Stephen M. Gordon and his associates wrote big checks by the dozen.
"One, for $63,788.48, went to Wolfgang Puck's restaurant Spago, for catering. Another, for $12,800, paid Rogers & Cowan for publicity. Yet another, for $30,048.31, covered a private jet trip for Cher.
"This was New Economy money: Stan Lee Media had never turned a profit. It had value thanks to the dot-com bubble and the reputation of its namesake chairman, comic book genius Stan Lee.
"Ultimately, the checks written that summer would contribute to Stan Lee Media's collapse and help trigger a sequence of events that may lead to a prison sentence for Gordon."
Very sad. Despite his crass commercialism, I have a soft spot in my heart for Stan, who has always been a warm, funny guy on the page, in interviews and with the fans. And I've felt his pain in recent years as he's watched his work turned into mega-million hit movies without receiving any of the profits.
But the truth is, when true comics genius Jack Kirby tried to get his original artwork back, company-man Stan did his part to thwart him, as well as other pioneering Marvel artists who wanted the same. In other words, Lee was a staunch supporter of the same kind of work-for-hire agreement (where the writer/artist sells his creation for a one-time page rate) that has come back to bite him on the ass in his old age (he'll be 81 this year). None of these guys ever envisioned a day when their "lowly" work would generate the kind of money it does today, and it's severe but poetic justice that the smilin' one has to now deal with it himself.
Still, I like the guy, and hope he wins his so-called "friendly" lawsuit against Marvel for royalties on the Spiderman movie. (You can read even more about it here-- start at the top and keep a-scrollin'-- at the website of a magazine I once called my freelance home, The Comics Journal.)
P.S. For a really good overview of Stan's career, check out this old Salon "Brilliant Careers" piece.
Posted by Steve Monaco at July 22, 2003 12:21 AM
The Monday Movie Quiz #11
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Okay, I got the message: the last couple quizzes have been tougher and/or more esoteric than I thought, so this week's one and only clue comes from a movie that anyone who considers himself or herself a film buff should get immediately. If you recognize it-- and you'd better!-- send me an email before Sunday turns into Monday and you'll be in next week's winners' circle.Posted by Steve Monaco at July 21, 2003 5:55 AM
Last week's Movie Quiz winners
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Well, I thought that the film in question-- the wonderful documentary The Celluloid Closet-- would have been better known, but the Gore Vidal anecdote that was last week's clue was only identified correctly by two of the quiz's most consistent winners, Wayne A. Palmer and E. Yarber. (Mr. Palmer is the current quiz champion to date, with five correct answers.)
Straight or gay, the more you know about movies, the more entertaining this film is, and Vidal's story of pulling a fast one on Charlton Heston concerning the subtext of Ben-Hur is just one of its delights. The DVD is especially enjoyable, with commentaries by both the filmmakers and the author of its source text, Vito Russo. Highly recommended.
So laurel wreaths to our two winners!
(Here's Stephen Boyd giving Chuck one of the "come-hither" looks mentioned in Vidal's version of the story.)

Posted by Steve Monaco at July 21, 2003 5:09 AM
Flop Sweat
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Posted by Steve Monaco at July 20, 2003 1:06 AM
The Outbursts of Everett True by Condo & Raper (1907)
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Posted by Steve Monaco at July 19, 2003 2:27 AM
Bad Dialogue of the Week-- Meet Tony Newton
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(This is the only known photo of Pete & Ray's roommate Tony. Note the body language of the woman's dog.)
It's time again for another snippet from the Shut Up, Little Man tapes, and this time we take a brief respite from Peter Haskett and Raymond Huffman to introduce the object of their affections.
From the official SULM webpage:
"To make matters more interesting, Tony-- a Southern-bred Vietnam vet and white trash drifter-- moved in and out of their apartment during the time we lived next door. In many ways he was the scariest of the three, recalling a movie extra from Deliverance. Tony provided the catalyst for more fighting, new jealousies, and shifting alliances."
(You can read a hair-raising interview Peter gave to the SFPD about the night Tony tried to kill him here.)
Tony was a true village idiot and talked with such a moronic accent that it's obvious that speech was not his native tongue. Here's his most beloved moment from the tapes, as he tells Peter something truly astonishing about the marijuana addict. (Note: File size is 150K.)
Posted by Steve Monaco at July 18, 2003 10:40 PM
Ari Fleischer says goodbye-- an audio montage
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Portrait of the Artist as a Young Putz
The Mike Malloy radio program strikes again! Listen to this wonderfully chilling audio montage Mike and his producer Kathy Bay put together for their Thursday show, seven minutes of Ari doing what he did best: sneer, lie and stonewall. As Mike said, he was the first press secretary whose job was to not inform the press and the American people about anything. (Note: File size is 850K.)
Posted by Steve Monaco at July 17, 2003 10:46 PM
Greil Monaco's No-Life Top 10-- The Canadian Edition
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Again, with apologies to Mr. Marcus, here's a list of things I like, this time involving my past week vacationing in Vancouver, B.C.
1) Real junk food. Yeah, I know that sounds ridiculous, but even crap like chips and soda is better in Canada. I suspect the reason is that, like the rest of the world, the country shuns the U.S.'s genetically-modified Frankenfood. So Coca-Cola is made with real, non-GMO sugar (instead of the ghastly "high-fructose corn syrup" all the pop companies use here), and the result is a drink that actually tastes good, just like it used to. Another former favorite of mine, Triscuits, also tasted like they once did, instead of the oily, disgusting chunks of cardboard that Nabisco now palms off in the U.S. Not a prime reason to visit another land, perhaps, but still a surprisingly strong one.
2) No mosquitoes! In the sweaty armpit of middle America that I call home, the skeeters are so bad that many nights are filled with the sound and smell of insecticide-spraying trucks rolling through the streets. (These toxic intrusions almost always occur on the rare cool evenings when everyone's windows are open.) Well, I visited the parks, waterfront and mountains for an entire week and didn't see a single bloodsucker anywhere. From what I could tell, windows didn't even have screens!
3) Gastown. It's the most rundown area of the city, but it was still my favorite neighborhood. Even the scary-looking people were laid-back and, for the most part, no trouble to others. (This was put to the test at one restaurant located in an especially depressed spot that I dubbed "Shamblerville" because of the number of burned-out wretches staggering around-- the place had tables out on the sidewalk, so that every lost soul walking by could interact with the customers.) My favorite moment was when a cafe worker marched a rowdy nutcase out the door by pinning his arms with the legs of a wooden stool. When she was rid of the offender, she breathed a sigh of relief and said, "I don't even know where that move came from!", to which a co-worker replied, "It came from the circus is where it came from." The crowd applauded and somebody yelled, "Only in Gastown!"
4) Canadian TV and radio. I liked it because I have a tendency not to seize the day, even when I'm on an expensive vacation, and the programming on both was so boring that it drove me out of the hotel and into the street.
5) Liquor stores. For a city as big as Vancouver (close to two million, plus lots o' tourists), booze shops are few and far between, so when you find one, you feel like you've really accomplished something. And here's my biggest tip to fellow vacationing winos: there's a reason why Canadian reds and whites are the cheapest in the store: they're repulsive!
6) Everybody is in love. At least it seems that way-- everyone from preteen to pre-skeleton walks along in hand-holding pairs.
7) No cops. I think I saw all of three police cars all week, and only a handful of oinkers on foot. Not one minute of one night was disturbed by any kind of siren. Of course, on my first evening back (spent in downtown Minneapolis), it was nothing but sirens.
Once again, I can't come up with a full 10-- this may have been a vacation, but not from being a nitpicky grouch.
Posted by Steve Monaco at July 16, 2003 5:16 PM
Soul Man
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Good lovin'? I got a truckload!
Posted by Steve Monaco at July 15, 2003 2:10 AM
The Monday Movie Quiz #10
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Back in the trivia saddle again after a nice vacation, here's this week's one (and only) clue clip-- unlike last time, this one should be pretty easy, even for people who aren't movie buffs. Even if you don't get it, the story is interesting all by itself. And if you do get it, or think you do, send me an email by late Sunday night and you'll see your name in next week's winners' circle.
Posted by Steve Monaco at July 14, 2003 2:36 AM
The Outbursts of Everett True by Condo & Raper (1907)
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Posted by Steve Monaco at July 12, 2003 12:17 AM
Bad Dialogue of the Week-- Criswell predicts!
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Our sound clip today is from the classic album Criswell Predicts, where the star of Plan 9 from Outer Space looks deep into the future, all the way to the end of the twentieth century. (Note: Sound file is 300K.)
P.S. For a much more comprehensive list of Criswell's fantastic predictions, here's an excellent piece from The Onion A.V. Club.
Posted by Steve Monaco at July 11, 2003 12:10 AM
A WWII shortage they didn't talk much about
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Most people who know anything about life in the U.S. during WWII know that it was a time of rationing and shortages-- gas, rubber, meat and cooking oil, just to name a few. And when the war was over and people came home, the supply of many common items remained hard to come by for a few years after.
Here's a radio commercial from 1948 that addresses a shortage that most people wouldn't have expected. Imagine the blood that would flow in the streets if it happened today! (Hint: It's from an Orson Welles series called The Mercury Summer Theater and its sponsor was blended, splendid Pabst Blue Ribbon.)
Posted by Steve Monaco at July 10, 2003 12:04 AM
The vision thing
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Added bonus: I found an old soundfile from the always splendid Mike Malloy radio show-- listen to Bush Jr. do a damned good Porky Pig impersonation.
Posted by Steve Monaco at July 9, 2003 12:03 AM
Ralph Nader, TV critic
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During the 2000 election, at one of Nader's many super-rallies that drew up to 20,000 people each, at ticket prices that averaged $20 (as Dick Gephardt told him afterward, "Nobody's paying to see us"), Ralph covered so much ground that he even managed to spend a couple minutes on how dismal local newscasts have become. (Note: File size is 325K.) Anyone who thinks the guy has no sense of humor needs to listen to this clip-- he's genuinely amused at the pathetic nonsense that passes for TV reporting and it shows, especially when he talks about the average weather segment (listen to the disdain in his voice when he says "weather tease").Posted by Steve Monaco at July 8, 2003 12:05 AM
Why Bukowski wrote BARFLY
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An extra treat found on the DVD release of the 1987 classic with Mickey Roarke and Faye Dunaway is the inclusion of the featurette, "I Drink, I Gamble and I Write: The Making of Barfly". The best moment comes when Charles Bukowski, the movie's author, recounts the pure, artistic reasons that motivated him to write it. As always with Buk, it's laugh-out-loud funny-- you can listen to it here.
Posted by Steve Monaco at July 7, 2003 2:41 AM
Jesco's double super-buzz
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Here's yet another sound clip from the amazing documentary Dancing Outlaw, featuring the one and only Jesco White. (Note: File size is 200K.) This time, Jesse discusses the interesting mental state he was in when he used to huff lighter fluid and gasoline, with a little airplane glue thrown in for good measure. Kids, don't try this at home!
Posted by Steve Monaco at July 6, 2003 12:12 AM
The Outbursts of Everett True by Condo & Raper (1907)
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Introducing Mrs. True!

Posted by Steve Monaco at July 5, 2003 12:28 AM
Bad Dialogue of the Week
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Here are a couple (1, 2) actual phonecalls made to a computer company's tech support line. (Note: File size on both is 650K.) After you listen to both of these idiots, send these files to the snootiest anti-Windows Mac lover you know-- the calls were made to Apple HQ.Posted by Steve Monaco at July 4, 2003 12:12 AM
Raymond Huffman was born in Nebraskerr . . .
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Here's another excerpt from the New Zealand radio interview with Pete and Tony. (The station sent a reporter to the States when the daily soap opera they made from the Shut Up, Little Man tapes became a hit with listeners.) They talk tenderly about their deceased roommate-- his many jobs, his kindness to animals and his endearing personal traits. (Note: File size is 500K.)
Posted by Steve Monaco at July 3, 2003 2:44 AM
Il Douche
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"Fascism should more properly be called corporatism, since it is the merger of state and corporate power." � Benito Mussolini
Posted by Steve Monaco at July 2, 2003 12:05 AM
REID FLEMING, WORLD'S TOUGHEST MILKMAN-- Now online!
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"78 cents or I piss on your flowers!"-- Reid Fleming
I was so happy to learn that one of the funniest comics of all time, David Boswell's 1980 classic, is now stored in its entirety at the online Library of Canada. Now everyone can read the adventures of the surliest bastard who ever drove a milk truck, as well as his Pinocchio-nosed girlfriend Lena, his Frankenstein-headed boss Mr. Crabbe and his favorite soap-opera, The Horrors of Ivan (the title character is a talking skeleton). While Boswell went on to become an even better cartoonist (his 1984 masterpiece, Heartbreak Comics, is a technical tour de force), this "origin issue" of his greatest character is a once-in-a-lifetime piece of work and brings on the same case of the gasping laffs that it did when it was new.
And by all means, check out the webpage of the man who brought this monster to life, the multi-faceted Mr. Boswell.

Posted by Steve Monaco at July 1, 2003 2:10 AM
