September 2003

« August 2003 | Main | October 2003 »

Greil Monaco's No-Life Top 10

Filed under: Imported

Again, with grovelling apologies to Mr. Marcus for stealing his gimmick, here are some things I've noticed lately.

1 & 2) America the Lard-Assed. Hey, I'm a fat guy from way back, and even I'm appalled by the never-ending expansion of my peers. It's really getting ridiculous when you have to take a detour in the supermarket because one person has effectively closed off an entire aisle just by standing in it. The other night I saw a pair of oversized lovebirds sitting side-by-side in a restaurant booth amply built for two, and the woman still hung out by an entire buttock. Speaking of restaurants, Red Lobster nearly went broke recently due to the mulitple servings their customers helped themselves to at an all-you-can-eat crab buffet. And speaking of big butts, the company that makes nearly all the movie theater seats in the country has been cleaning up lately because theaters across the land are having to replace their old seats with ones big enough to accomodate their extra-large customers. Where does it all end? Exactly where you'd think: we've gotten so fat that we can no longer fit into regular-sized coffins.

(The last item reminds me of a news story from many years ago about a 450-pound dead man whose corpse started a grease-fire in a crematorium oven and burned down an entire city block. Now that's what I call revenge!)

3) Liquor stores in Minneapolis. As I slowly but surely change my residence permanently to Minnesota, I'm less and less impressed with my new-found home, and the restrictions on booze-buying in the state are at the top of my list. If I want a bottle of wine at 1:55 a.m. in Des Moines, I can get it seven days a week, including holidays. In Minneapolis, the state-run liquor stores-- all twelve of them-- close at 8 p.m. (a few seconds longer on weekends), and if you didn't stock up by Saturday night, you're going to be cold sober on Sunday. Yet the names so many of the town's hooch-houses sport would indicate that it's a community of hollow-legged lushes: The Liquor Barrel, The Liquor Warehouse, Mainline Liquor, Drunks R Us. (Okay, two of the four are real.)

4 & 5) The Transporter (France - 2002), directed by Cory Yuen. As both a hopeless Grand Theft Auto addict and unabashed fan of Jackass (the latter being the best tool ever for thinning out the ranks of impressionable young male dolts), I've thought that a good way to combine the two would be a movie based on the game that starred Johnny Knoxville. Catching up on my video store browsing last week, however, I found that it's already been made, or close enough (and leading man Jason Statham is nothing like Knoxville). Judging by the reviews at imdb.com, apparently this James Bond and martial arts hybrid is a big disappointment to Matrix fans, but since I'm not one, I thought it was figuratively and literally kick-ass. Director Yuen has been making action films in Hong Kong for over 20 years and he knows what he's doing when it comes to fight and chase scenes. For the most part, this is nothing but fight and chase scenes, but done in a more lighthearted and imaginative way than American movies. Plus, at 90-odd minutes, a run-time virtually foresaken in the U.S., it's a perfect no-think entertainment that never bores or overstays its welcome. Recommended.

P.S. Just as MTV and Jackass now have a slew of lawsuits on their hands due to a few idiots' self-induced injuries and deaths, now the makers of GTA III are facing the same thing.

6) Phil Hendrie's second annual 9-11 show. As I've written before, I'm a former fan who still admires Phil's great work from the past but thinks he sucks today. My dislike for his current work is almost exclusively because he just isn't funny anymore, but I admit that his bigmouthed, uninformed "bomb-'em-all" pro-war bullshit was what got me to stop listening altogether. In fact, the last show I heard was his 9-11 "special" in 2002, where he broadcast live from a studio near Ground Zero. (He lives and works in L.A.) For the first hour it was mainly Hendrie patting himself on the back for his own patriotism, as he blew on and on about how moving just being there was, and if you aren't there, you can't know (like he does) what it's like, and how we-- he-- must never forget what happened. Well, this year I decided to bury the hatchet and tune in for old time's sake, just to see what he had planned for the second anniversary. It was a rerun of last year's show. Hope you enjoyed the day off, asshole.

Once again, that's enough-- I'm off to drink and eat like a pig and play some Vice City.

Posted by Steve Monaco at September 30, 2003 6:12 PM

 

The Monday Movie Quiz #21

Filed under: Imported

Since it doesn't seem to matter whether hints are added or not, or multiple sound clues are given or not, we've decided that this week's quiz will be hard as hell-- one sound clip, no hints whatsoever. Okay, one or two minor hints: 1) Don't take "movie" to mean a full-length feature, and 2) the star has already been described by yours truly as "the twentieth century's funniest fellow", and one of his films has been a past mystery movie. Other than that, though, you're on your own. If you know (or can guess) the title, send me an email by late Sunday night, and next Monday you'll see your name in the elite list of alcoholic winners. Good luck.

Posted by Steve Monaco at September 29, 2003 3:37 AM

 

Last week's Movie Quiz winners

Filed under: Imported

(Rhonda Britton, aka The Rabbit Lady, Michael Moore and Deputy Fred Ross)

Well, last week's quiz turned out to be much harder than I would have thought-- it even tricked one of our constant, unstumpable regulars (hey, Hank, better luck next time). Who would have guessed that Roger & Me, Michael Moore's first film from 1989, would have been so hard to recognize? I was afraid that the first clip alone, featuring the dulcet tones of Flint, Michigan escapee Bob Eubanks, would be a dead giveaway. The middle clip with eviction deputy Fred Ross philosophizing on poverty was (to me) also memorable, and the final cut-- General Motors president Roger Smith reading from "A Christmas Carol"-- is from perhaps the film's most moving moment, where Smith's hollow reading of Dickens at the GM holiday party is juxtaposed with footage of a family being kicked out of their home on Christmas eve.

As the years pass, time is increasingly kind to Moore's debut documentary. His supposedly intrusive ego is nowhere to be seen, and his "Joe Nobody" onscreen persona is especially enjoyable considering the instantly recognizable corporate giant-killer he became. The form of the film, with its reliance on campy film clips and ironic juxtapositions, still seems fresh, thanks in part to one of the cinematographers, Kevin Rafferty, who was co-creator of the great anti-nuke doc The Atomic Cafe; Moore has long acknowledged how much his friend contributed to the construction of his own first movie. (Ironically, Rafferty is a cousin of King George Jr.'s, and sat with the rest of the Bush family at Dubya's inauguration.) And unfortunately, the social and economic problems it spotlighted at the end of the Reagan era almost seem tolerable compared to what faces this country today. Great work, Mike.

So let's hear it for the handful of quiz experts who got it right once again: Wayne A. Palmer, E. Yarber, Kika Warner and Christopher Bahn. Congratulations, and may your 401Ks remain solvent (unlike yours truly's).

P.S. Finally, Michael Moore is fighting back against the assholes who have been attacking him on so-called journalistic lapses regarding Bowling for Columbine. Also, his new book, Dude, Where's My Country, is already bouncing around the top 12 amazon sales chart, and it won't be out for another 10 days or so. And this time, he has a publisher that will actually advertise the goddamned thing. (Stupid White Men, the book that refused to die, never had a single ad placed anywhere.)

Posted by Steve Monaco at September 29, 2003 2:54 AM

 

Bad Dialogue of the Week-- Buddy Rich, clam-hater

Filed under: Imported

For this week's rancid monologue, we turn to a proven classic: drummer and big-bandleader Buddy Rich's well-known chew-out session with his musicians, which concludes with him kicking them all off the tour bus in the middle of nowhere. (The tape exists because one of the band members recorded the scene surreptitiously as it happened.) For those not familiar with the term "clam," it's musician slang for a bad note or clunker. Otherwise, for better or worse, every word Buddy says should be crystal-fuckin'-clear. (Note: File size is 600K.)

Posted by Steve Monaco at September 28, 2003 12:53 AM

 

The Frederic Wertham Memorial Cover Gallery

Filed under: Imported

Weird Mysteries #5, 1953, drawn by Bernard Bailey.

Posted by Steve Monaco at September 28, 2003 12:53 AM

 

The Outbursts of Everett True by Condo & Raper (1907)

Filed under: Imported

Posted by Steve Monaco at September 27, 2003 1:59 PM

 

Bad Dialogue of Last Week

Filed under: Imported

Since my computer problems kept me from doing sound clips last week, I thought I'd make up for it now with audio from the trailer of one of the craziest cult movies ever made, Herschell Gordon Lewis's 1968 ode to mindless violence, Just for the Hell of It (aka Destruction, Inc.). The movie begins with a gang of goons completely trashing a room full of furniture, turning the stuff into literal splinters, and the scene goes on for minutes. Then it really goes nuts, and there isn't a baby or blind man in town that's safe from their attacks. (They steal the latter's cane and put the former in a trash can.) These clowns are bad actors in more ways than one, and it's a thoroughly enjoyable piece of socially irredeemable trash. 

Posted by Steve Monaco at September 25, 2003 8:39 PM

 

Bonzo Goes to the U.N.

Filed under: Imported

 

Posted by Steve Monaco at September 24, 2003 11:17 PM

 

Arthur Carlson, R.I.P.

Filed under: Imported

 

(Radio's worst general manager confers with its worst newsman-- Gordon Jump as Arthur Carlson and Richard Sanders as Les Nessman.)

Sad news for fans of WKRP in Cincinnati: Gordon Jump, who played the station's kindly but inept boss, Arthur Carlson, has died at the age of 71.

WKRP was the last great ensemble comedy show from MTM (Mary Tyler Moore and Grant Tinker's company, which produced Moore's classic series as well as Bob Newhart's), and in some ways it was their best. It was certainly their wildest, with characters like Johnny Fever and Venus Flytrap having acid flashbacks and taking on-the-air drunk tests. Jump, as poor Mr. Carlson, was the anchor for a cast of crazies, and he did a perfect job.

A WKRP marathon from TV Land or Nick at Night would be nice to see-- let's hope they do it.

P.S. On a scarier note, here's what Loni Anderson, the station's beautiful receptionist, looks like today. Apparently, being married to Burt Reynolds can drive a woman to facework from Hell.

 

Posted by Steve Monaco at September 23, 2003 10:03 PM

 

The Monday Movie Quiz #20

Filed under: Imported

Hallelujah, we have sound! But even though it was tempting, this week's mystery film does not star Al Jolson. It's so well-known, though, that I'm hopeful we'll have a few new winners this week, even if the clues don't feature the "star" of the movie (which was also his debut as writer, producer and director as well). If you know the answer, send me an email by late Sunday night and you'll get to see your name in next week's proletarian winners circle.  (Note: File size is 325K.)

Posted by Steve Monaco at September 22, 2003 8:26 PM

 

Last week's Movie Quiz winners

Filed under: Imported

It's another first at the ol' movie quiz, in that last week's mystery movie was universally disliked by every one of those who I.D.'ed it (at least those who saw it-- a couple used the clues to figure it out, but added that they were glad they hadn't seen it). This apparently makes yours truly the only one here who enjoyed it. In fact, I thought it was a nice piece of work, but then I've never seen anything by Larry David that I haven't admired, and I thought his 1998 film Sour Grapes-- his first feature-- was a typical no-loose-ends-allowed treat from the master of the genre he created, the comedy of ethics. (Two cousins, close as brothers, fall out when one wins a Vegas jackpot with quarters that the other gives him, and they then proceed to destroy each others' world.) But judging from the reviews for it that are available online, I'm practically alone in this judgment-- Roger Ebert even gave it a no-star rating, which translates into what, thumbs off?

So simultaneous apologies and congratualations to the usual gang of five who still took the time to send in a correct answer: Wayne A. Palmer, Kika Warner, E. Yarber, Colleen Frankhart and Hank Parmer. Anybody can get movies they like, but it takes real buffs to identify ones they don't, so hats off, folks. Hope you like the next movie better!

 

(Larry David on the set: "Ladies, I'm thinking of changing the title to The Horn Blows in Vegas.")

Posted by Steve Monaco at September 22, 2003 8:09 PM

 

Times are hard for everybody

Filed under: Imported

 

" . . . and for an extra fifty bucks, I'll put on a flight suit."

Posted by Steve Monaco at September 21, 2003 8:04 PM

 

The Frederic Wertham Memorial Cover Gallery

Filed under: Imported

 

Another dandy injury-to-eye cover (one of Dr. Wertham's favorite bugaboos) from Weird Chills #2, 1954.

Posted by Steve Monaco at September 21, 2003 7:25 PM

 

The Outbursts of Everett True by Condo & Raper (1907)

Filed under: Imported

Posted by Steve Monaco at September 20, 2003 10:17 AM

 

I Ain't Marching Anymore

Filed under: Imported

(Note the soldier near the center on the far right side.)

It's always the old to lead us to the war
Always the young to fall
Now look at all we've won with the saber and the gun
Tell me, is it worth it all?
Call it "Peace" or call it "Treason"
Call it "Love" or call it "Reason"
But I ain't a-marchin' any more.

(Phil Ochs-Bob Gibson)

Posted by Steve Monaco at September 18, 2003 1:28 AM

 

The Outbursts of Everett True by Condo & Raper (1907)

Filed under: Imported

(Everett will return to his usual Saturday slot this weekend, I swear.)

Posted by Steve Monaco at September 17, 2003 10:32 PM

 

The Monday Movie Quiz #19

Filed under: Imported

Let's hope we have our sound clips back soon. Until then, let's do another text quiz. This week's mystery movie features the following characters: -- An obnoxious sitcom star who, due to a surgical foul-up, loses both his testicles. -- A lawyer who believes that his doctor's receptionist won't go out with him because she saw him in his underwear. -- A main character who is able to fellate himself. One hint: It was written and directed by one of the richest men in comedy, who made nearly a quarter-billion dollars on a single syndication deal. If you know the answer, or the clue gives you the info you need to figure it out, send me an email by late Sunday night and you too can join the fruity bunch in next week's quiz's winners' circle.

Posted by Steve Monaco at September 15, 2003 5:15 PM

 

Last week's Movie Quiz winners

Filed under: Imported

The answer to last week's quiz is the legendary horror film Equinox, a grade-Z movie that (in the words on one quiz winner) was a cult classic the day it came out. It's a wonderful conglomeration of stop-motion animation (it began as a short student film by Jim Danforth), Lovecraftian nonsense and endlessly inventive horror. Its cast of nobodies included a couple odd members: science-fiction author Fritz Lieber, who plays his role of the mysterious college professor as an honage to his actor father-- that is, silently-- and Frank Boers, Jr. who changed his name a few years later to Bonner and became Herb Tarlick, Jr. from WKRP in Cincinnati. So a hearty Cthulhu handclasp to the following winners: Wayne A. Palmer, E. Yarber, Joe Rosenberg, Kika Warner, Hank Parmer and Colleen Frankhart. I thought this was a tough one, so good work, one and all.

Posted by Steve Monaco at September 15, 2003 4:58 PM

 

Technical difficulties-- please stand by

Filed under: Imported

I'm still waiting for Best Buy to fix my computer, and while I have a backup, I'm having a problem getting the DSL connection to work. I hope I'll be back online by late Monday afternoon, with this weekend's overdue postings and the usual Monday Movie Quiz entries. I also want to write about the American Splendor movie, too. But it all depends on whether I can even get reconnected. Stay tuned.

Posted by Steve Monaco at September 14, 2003 11:58 AM

 

Bad dialogue of the week-- starring Jack Webb!

Filed under: Imported

 

This week we have good dialogue masquerading as bad from one of old radio's under-appreciated gems, a satirical hard-boiled crime program called Pat Novak, For Hire. It ran in the late '40s and starred the future Joe Friday, the one and (fortunately) only Jack Webb. Actually, Webb was really a pretty hip and funny guy (hard to believe for those who only know him from the sixties version of Dragnet), and this show was far ahead of its time. The first-person narration, de rigeur for private eye dramas, was intentionally over the top, and the story setups were parodies of every "straight" detective series on the air. The regular supporting characters were also funny: Lt. Hellman (played by Raymond Burr), who traded insults and punches with Novak in equal frenzy, and Jocko Madigan, a good-natured lush whose weekly signoff "Good night, lover" always left the listener wondering how close he and Pat really were.

Here's the opening of a typical episode from 1949, where Novak learns that he has more money than he thought. Count the denigrating gay jokes (a real rarity for old radio) in this short excerpt -- I tallied three, four if you count the closing music. (Note: File size is 630K.)

Posted by Steve Monaco at September 12, 2003 3:33 AM

 

The Monday Movie Quiz #18

Filed under: Imported

Alas, once again the quiz is soundclip-free, this time thanks to a recently-deceased motherboard in the CP PC. So here's another plot synopsis that, like last time, will probably prove to be surprisingly easy:

Two young couples set off on a combined picnic and search for a missing college professor. They discover the prof in the woods, dead, clutching a weird book in his hands. When they open the book and read from it, all Hell literally breaks loose, and they find themselves attacked by a giant purple caveman, a flying devil-bat and even a Satanic park ranger.

Hints: The professor is played by the son of a silent movie actor, who was better known as an author of horror, fantasy and science fiction. One of the young men added a couple letters to the middle of his last name and dropped a few at the end, and eight years later became much better known as a loudly-dressed obnoxious lout in a well-known sitcom from the MTM folks.

If you know the answer, or the hints help you figure it out, please send me an email before late Sunday night, and you can find your name in next week's scary winners' circle.

Posted by Steve Monaco at September 8, 2003 6:11 PM

 

Last week's Movie Quiz winners

Filed under: Imported

 

I have to admit, I was proud of myself for finally coming up with a quiz that actually fooled a couple of people (quiz regulars, in fact). Even though it sounded like the clues were from the Ray Harryhausen classic Jason and the Argonauts, the story of the Golden Fleece was also the plotline of one of yours truly's all-time favorite movies from his childhood, the 1958 sword-and-sandal spectacular Hercules, featuring the mighty Steve Reeves in his first starring role. (His previous screen work had been in a Jane Powell and Debbie Reynolds musical, Athena, and as Lyle Talbot's sidekick in Jail Bait, directed by the one and only Ed Wood, Jr.) I still think it's a wonderful film, full of great music by Enzo Masetti and beautiful camerawork by Mario Bava. (In fact, it's rumored that Bava actually did the lion's share of directing, too.) And while some find the dubbing irritating or laughable, I have a soft spot for it, since besides being the only picture to supposedly feature Reeves's own voice (according to the actor himself), it features familiar voices from the days of old radio drama, like Bret "Shadow" Morrison and Robert Dryden of I Love a Mystery.

So Herculean kudos to the following quiz winners: Wayne A. Palmer (of course), E. Yarber (ditto), Hank Parmer (as always), Colleen Frankhart (two wins in a row) and Kika Warner (another unstumpable regular). Maybe some day I'll actually fool one of them, but I wouldn't bet on it. As always, congratulations to all. And as a special reward, here's a semi-rare treat: a photograph of Mr. Reeves taken a few years before his death in 2000 at the age of 74. I'd say that I'd like to look this good at his age, but the truth is, I don't look nearly this good now.

Posted by Steve Monaco at September 8, 2003 5:50 PM

 

The Frederic Wertham Memorial Cover Gallery-- Dubya's Favorite Comic Book!

Filed under: Imported

(Note the word balloon.)

 

Posted by Steve Monaco at September 7, 2003 10:57 PM

 

The Outbursts of Everett True by Condo & Raper (1907)

Filed under: Imported

 

Posted by Steve Monaco at September 6, 2003 2:18 PM

 

Bad Dialogue of the Week

Filed under: Imported

Return with us now to the terrible days of '50s and '60s educational films, specifically a warning about child molestation called The Riddle of the Friendly Stranger. It's hosted by a ventriloquist's dummy named Gabby who asks a never-ending series of tedious questions about who is and is not a stranger, the criteria for the former being about as thorough as a house loan. (My youngest daughter said that, according to the list of things on the "need to know" list, at least half her friends are strangers.)

Things take a turn for the grim when it's final exam time: two men are shown, one of whom is okay and the other is a "sick or dangerous" stranger. At first glance, it's obvious who's naughty and who's nice: one man is a well-groomed, smiling fellow while the other is a sullen, scar-faced nightmare. It turns out, though, that scar-face is actually a cop while the "nice" man tries to lure a little girl into his car. Here's the ending to the story, where Officer Slice-Mark congratulates himself and the dummy on a job well done. As usual with these classroom films of the era, it begs the question: How stupid did the school system think we were? (Note: File size is 475K.)

Posted by Steve Monaco at September 5, 2003 10:29 PM

 

Ernest goes to war

Filed under: Imported

 

"Hey, Vern-- bring 'em on!"

Posted by Steve Monaco at September 3, 2003 1:29 AM

 

Charles Bronson laughs!

Filed under: Imported

(Roger Corman mainstay Susan Cabot makes movie history as one of the few women to ever get the upper hand on the majestyk Mr. Bronson.)

You didn't have to be an action movie fan to be saddened by the death of Charles Bronson. Stephen Hunter at The Washington Post had the best summation of his career and attraction. (Read it here.) But anyone who went to the movies in the 1970s knew all about him-- his only competitor was Clint Eastwood, and while neither were really great actors (or, for the most part, made great films), they were at the very top of that era's movie hierarchy, and in some ways, Bronson was the better of the two.

So to pay last respects to one of the movies' last genuine tough guys, here's a one-of-a-kind moment: the sound of Charles Bronson actually laughing, from the 1958 Roger Corman potboiler Machine-Gun Kelly. (Note: File size is 145K.) It sounds about as natural as Clint singing Lerner and Loewe, which may be why neither ever tried it again.

Posted by Steve Monaco at September 2, 2003 3:27 AM

 

The Monday Movie Quiz #17

Filed under: Imported

It's back to normal, sound-wise, at the ol' quiz with another three-clip clue. (Note: File size is 325K.) No hints except for one: the star made his cinematic debut (or second film, according to the IMDB) in a picture by a director so inept he's now more famous than most good ones. (This particular auteur even had a movie made about him.) If you know the answer, or even think you do, send me an email by late Sunday night and join next week's mighty winners circle.

Posted by Steve Monaco at September 1, 2003 8:27 PM

 

Last week's Movie Quiz winners

Filed under: Imported

 

(Fred Allen editorializing on his friend Jack Benny's violin playing.)

I was duly impressed by how many correct responses there were to last week's quiz, since I thought it was harder than usual. I was also heartened to read the replies from the winners, since most not only knew the movie but had warm feelings both for it and its star, the great radio comedian Fred Allen. The film It's in the Bag (1945, co-written by Alma Reville, aka Mrs. Alfred Hitchcock) was the only picture he ever made as a star (he was a supporting actor in a handful of others), and it's a delight from beginning to end. It was also packed with top guest stars of the era: Jack Benny, William Bendix, Don Ameche, Rudy Vallee, Robert Benchley, Victor Moore and quite a few others. But watching the sour-faced Allen is still the main treat, and it's a real pity that he never made another film. (As one of the quiz winners reminded me, Groucho Marx once stated, "Fred was a very funny man, one of the funniest, but he didn't have the face for television. He was good talking but he didn't look good.")

So a free pass to Allen's Alley to the following: the unstumpable Wayne A. Palmer, the equally unbeatable E. Yarber, fellow old-radio buff Kika Warner, long-time winner Hank Parmer, recent regular Steven Jay Gellert and first-time champ Colleen Frankhart. Nice work on a tough quiz, gang-- congratulations!

P.S. It's in the Bag has one of the funniest credit sequences of all time-- click here to listen to it. (Note: File size is 275K.)

Posted by Steve Monaco at September 1, 2003 3:14 AM

 

« August 2003 | Main | October 2003 »