October 2003

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The Outbursts of Everett True by Condo & Raper (1907)

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Posted by Steve Monaco at October 31, 2003 10:21 PM

 

GHOSTWATCH-- The BBC's "War of the Worlds"

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In 1992, BBC television played a Halloween joke on the general public of a magnitude not seen since Orson Welles's Martian invasion. A 90-minute special called Ghostwatch, hosted by one of Britain's most likeable personalities, Michael Parkinson, pretended to be a live broadcast from a known haunted house. They had an ongoing remote broadcast from the residence (complete with Craig Charles from Red Dwarf) interspersed with studio business that involved phone calls from viewers and in-studio interviews with an expert in psychic phenomenon, and all of it looked real. Plus, there's an "Al Capone's vault" (e.g., nothing's there) feeling to the first half-hour or so that adds to the progam's credibility, so when the supernatural scares do begin, they work.

(In fact, they worked too well-- after a full night and day's worth of complaining phone calls, mostly to do with frightened children who couldn't sleep, the BBC declared that it would never show Ghostwatch again.)

The scares of the house, past and to-the-minute, are convincingly shown in varied ways: well-made mock surveillance footage, effective "live" handheld explorations of the house's scariest places, and even through "heat cam" footage that actually shows the ghosts. For all of the technology, however, the basic plot is that of a tradiional ghost story, and the more graphic scenes are a little bit Exorcist, a little bit Blair Witch (although done years before that inferior ripoff), with even some of Lucio Fulci's House by the Cemetary thrown in.

Some of the acting is weak enough to give the game away to someone really paying attention-- one cast member, doing an American accent, is so bad that almost anyone should spot him as a phony-- but the rest of the fake-out is so well done, it's still more believable than not. When, finally, all hell literally breaks loose in the studio (according to the guest expert, the program inadvertently became a mass seance) it doesn't matter if you bought it or not, the ending gets to you in a way almost no "fiction" ghost story does.

Much as I love "The War of the Worlds," it really is time to retire it as the annual Halloween media event, especially with a macabre gem like this show available to take its place. Maybe the BBC did go over the line a bit in its original hoax, but eleven years later, Ghostwatch really should be resurrected for the holiday. It's perfect trick-or-treat entertainment and needs to be much better known.

Posted by Steve Monaco at October 30, 2003 4:10 PM

 

The Monday Movie Quiz #25

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This week's quiz is so damned easy it isn't funny-- unlike the movie in question-- so no hints whatsoever. If you know the title, send me an email by late Sunday night and next week you can see your name listed in our mind-numbing winners circle. (Note: File size is 300K.)

Posted by Steve Monaco at October 27, 2003 4:23 PM

 

Last week's Movie Quiz winners

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I was a bit disappointed in the meager response to last week's quiz, especially since it's one of my all-time favorite movies. Touch of Evil is, to me, one of Orson Welles' most enjoyable works, and I'm including the things he did on radio and TV as well as film. (The pilot episode he made in 1958 for a proposed Desilu anthology series, an adaptation of John Collier's "The Fountain of Youth", was fantastic, and really needs to be much better known-- once again, Welles took a relatively new storytelling medium and made it his own.) Now that we finally have a version of it that's as close to his original vision as is possible-- the newly restored and re-edited one, built from Welles' original memo on how he wanted it finished after it had been taken out of his hands-- it's even more compulsively watchable than before, and this is coming from someone who's seen it so many times he's lost count.

Besides being a bit of a leftie in the fifties (hard as that may be for anyone who's seen Bowling for Columbine to believe), Charlton Heston was actually responsible for Welles getting to direct the film, his first Hollywood project in a decade and also his last. Originally, Universal wanted Welles only as an actor, and when he held out for his old roles as writer and director the studio took a pass. Heston was then approached to star in the movie, and he asked who else was on board; when he was told (falsely) that Welles was involved, he replied that he'd be delighted to be in any film directed by Orson Welles. Eager to sign up Moses, Universal again called Welles and agreed to his terms. So while no one would argue that Chuck made a convincing Hispanic, we do owe him thanks for having one last great major studio Welles movie to savor.

Actually, Heston and fellow Hollywood flavor of the year Janet Leigh are the least interesting people in the movie, which is otherwise brimming with great, weird performance turns: Akim Tamiroff as the badly-toupeed Uncle Joe Grandi (he gets Welles's character Quinlan to fall off the wagon by ordering doubles-- "Make 'em nice and big"), Dennis Weaver as the motel night manager who freaks out when he realizes he's smelling marijuana, Mercedes McCambridge as the leather-jacketed biker dyke who "wants to watch" and Marlene Dietrich as the chili-cooking old flame of Quinlan's who has the picture's classic last line. Russell Metty's cinematography makes them all look like wonderful black-and-white grotesques, another deep-focus pleasure of the film. Roger Ebert is right: set aside the plot and simply admire what's on the screen. 

So noirish congrats to the following quiz winners: Wayne A. Palmer, Hank Parmer, E. Yarber, Kika Warner and Peter & Janice. Go mainline a candybar-- you earned it!

Posted by Steve Monaco at October 27, 2003 3:09 AM

 

The Frederic Wertham Memorial Cover Gallery

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Strange Stories from Another World #5, February 1953

Posted by Steve Monaco at October 26, 2003 7:37 PM

 

Hey, MPAA-- up yours!

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(Jack Valenti, president of The Motion Picture Association of America-- the hardest sucking man in show biz)

On this weekend's installment of their movie review show, Richard Roeper announced that he and Roger Ebert were actually wand-searched at a Chicago critics' screening of the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre as part of New Line Cinema's beefed-up anti-piracy security tactics. To think that either reviewer might be sneaking in a video camera to copy any movie (let alone this one) is ridiculous, and-- as Ebert pointed out-- the very next day the studio released the film to thousands of commercial theaters all over the country, so what the fuck is the point? (Those last words are mine, not Roger's, but I doubt that he'd disagree.)

Earlier this month, the MPAA tried to ban distribution of screener copies of films eligible for this year's Oscar nominations (screeners are video copies sent to all potential voters, and in recent years they've been on DVD, which make damn nice bootlegs). It was a typical iron-fisted approach to security that was protested throughout the industry, including every top director in Hollywood. (Robert Altman, who organized the petition that basically stopped the effort in its tracks, called it "a real Karl Rove move.") While the MPAA has backed down a little, its compromise-- specially-encoded VHS tapes-- still has most in the biz upset, especially over the McCarthy-esque anti-piracy pledge each Academy member must sign to get their copies.

And now comes news of the MPAA's latest brainstorm: anti-piracy classes aimed at public school students. A class called "What's the Diff?-- A Guide to Digital Citizenship" aimed at grades 5 through 9 will attempt to spell out the evils of file-sharing, complete with songs featuring catchy lyrics like "If you haven't paid for it, you've stolen it." The course will also offer free DVDs and players to students who write the best anti-piracy essays. (No word as to whether they'll also give out DVD burners or blank CDs.) Fortunately, the youth of America is having none of it, with kids heckling the guest "instructors" with internet-savvy slogans such as "Host it in Uzbekistan".  Maybe it's true after all: kids are the future.

P.S. While many of us thought Jack Valenti would never step down from his post short of having his mouth filled with garlic, just this weekend it was announced that he would be giving up the cushy gig he's held since 1966. Unfortunately, his replacement is very likely to be ultra-rightwing Louisiana congressman Billy Tauzin. So much for the myth of liberal Hollywood.

 

Posted by Steve Monaco at October 25, 2003 11:00 PM

 

Bad Dialogue of the Week

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(Steve Coogan as the world's worst chat show host, Alan Partridge)

This week's dialogue is deliberately bad and it's from one of the best radio comedy series ever, Knowing Me, Knowing You, starring one of the greatest unlikable characters of all time, the insufferable Alan Partridge. Alan is the creation of comedian and actor Steve Coogan, and while neither Coogan or his dim-witted alter ego are known at all in the U.S., both are considered national treasures in Great Britain. From a bit character on a couple of satirical news series, Coogan developed Alan into a multi-faceted one-of-a-kind protagonist, first as the star of his own faux talk show and then as the title character of one of the finest comedic portraits television has ever seen, I'm Alan Partridge, which chronicles what happens after Alan loses his BBC show and returns home to Norwich (apparently the Des Moines of England).

Knowing Me, Knowing You had two incarnations, one on BBC radio in 1992 and then a television version in 1995. Alan was already fully formed in the first radio episode, where he proceded to insult every guest on the program in every way imaginable. Here's a clip from his interview with a serious British novelist named Lawrence Camley, where he attempts to correct the writer on the authorship of a famous British detective. (Note: File size is 600K.)

P.S. If any of this whets your appetite for more, while there's still no American source for Alan on either TV or video, the BBC has some great pages devoted to his different series. Here's the one for the radio version of KMKY, with links to sound clips for every installment. Also you might want to check out the video on the linked pages for both series of I'm Alan Partridge for some extra laughs.

Posted by Steve Monaco at October 24, 2003 10:11 PM

 

Has-Beens Are Calling (dot com)

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I was intrigued by two things about the recent obituary of Fred "Rerun" Berry: one, that it ran in well over 100 papers, considering that his one and only claim to fame was playing third banana (at best) on a forgettable and perfectly lousy sitcom 25 years ago called What's Happening (for an example of his more recent work, go here), and two, he was the most popular attraction of a newly-lauched service, Hollywood is Calling. "I'll bet I've made more calls than anyone," he told The Washington Post earlier this year, and they actually printed it as news.

Hollywood is Calling is the next logical step in our culture of the never-ending 15 minute celebrity. (Who knew that the 21st century would be Orwellian and Warholian simultaneously?) For $19.95, you can treat yourself or a friend (or, better yet, a foe) to a 30-second live phone greeting from a bona fide once almost-famous person. They now have 37 on their roster, and it's anyone's guess which one will replace Rerun as their number one fave-- Kato Kaelin, perhaps ("Good luck on your upcoming murder trial, dude!"), or maybe Todd Diff'rent Strokes Bridges (same sentiments, diff'rent perspective). Other contenders might be rockers Mitch Ryder and lead Knack-man Doug Fieger, or first Survivor winner, Richard Hatch, although personally I'd prefer sending a message from his competitor Sue Hawk ("Just called to say that if you were dying of thirst, I wouldn't give you a drink of water.")

I hope this service flourishes and that their roster of "stars" grows. The possibilities for great practical jokery are endless: you could give your favorite dieter a motivational call from Anna Nicole Smith, or a friend in rehab some get-well-soon wishes from Rush Limbaugh. But really, don't wait-- be kind and order up a call right now with the celebs they already have. They really look like they could use the money.

Posted by Steve Monaco at October 23, 2003 4:47 PM

 

The Monday Movie Quiz #24

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This week's three-clip sound quiz is so full of recognizble voices I really don't think any clues are necessary. I'll just add that our mystery movie came out originally in the '50s, only to die a quick, studio-aided demise, but that its reputation grew so much during the following decades that it was finally given the release it deserved not all that long ago. If you know the title, drop me an email before late Sunday night and you can revel in seeing your name in next week's restored winners circle. (Note: File size is 600K.)

Posted by Steve Monaco at October 20, 2003 7:47 PM

 

Last week's Movie Quiz winners

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I was happy to see so many correct answers to last week's quiz, especially since it's such an unseen, if not unknown film. Superstar: The Karen Carpenter Story (1987) was director Todd Haynes's second film, and there's more creativity and genuine emotion in its 43 minutes than most Oscar nominees from any year you choose.

The rise and fall of '70s America's singing sweetheart is dramatized using Barbie dolls (and excellent voice acting) interspersed with mock educational-film segments on anorexia nervosa. As Karen succumbs to the disease, her Barbie is horribly whittled down to size, and the filmmaking becomes increasingly distorted and frightening, with scenes made even more harrowing by inventive manipulation of The Carpenter's best-known themes (the opening of "We've Only Just Begun" slowed down to a haunting minor key drip-drip-drip is a standout, as is a noisy collage near the very end that simulates too well her agonized mental state). It's a miniature tour de force, if such a thing can exist, and raises many uncomfortable questions about American values and notions about beauty.

(It's no wonder, then, that the film has been supressed almost since its debut by legal action from both Mattel and Carpenter's brother Richard. The latter's injunction against the film was, for the record, because Haynes used numerous recordings by the duo without permission, but one can't help wondering if the real reason was the way he was portrayed-- callous, bullying-- as well as to a not-too-subtle inference about his "private life".)

So congratulations and a big sha-la-la-la-la to the following: Wayne A. Palmer, TCB, Chuck Tomlinson, Peter at Mudville Magazine, E. "Electro" Yarber, Michael Oleksyn, Kika Warner, Hank Parmer, and Keith Bailey at Unknown Films.

Usually, here at the Monday Movie Quiz, we're unable to give our winners anything other than the grand glory of seeing their names in blog-print, but not this time. With only a couple of exceptions, every winner expressed a yearning to actually see this film, as well as sadness that they feared they never would. Well, as we all know, the Internet is a wonderful place, and the entire 43-minute movie can be viewed or downloaded (recommended) at a website called Illegal Art. Scroll down, click, and enjoy one of the most inventive motion pictures ever made.

Posted by Steve Monaco at October 20, 2003 6:43 PM

 

The Frederic Wertham Memorial Cover Gallery

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The Vault of Horror #30, 1954-- Cover by the great Johnny Craig

(Note the ad behind the woman on the far right.)

Posted by Steve Monaco at October 19, 2003 2:35 AM

 

Bad dialogue of the week

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Bill O'Reilly's phony outrage over his interview on Terry Gross's Fresh Air a couple weeks ago has once again put NPR in the right-wing spotlight. Imagine-- tax-supported broadcasting that doesn't kiss Bill's shrivelled conservative ass! Why, it's almost as bad as C-Span!

The truth is, NPR is about as liberal as Joe Lieberman, and while once upon a time (a long time ago) it may have been an alternative to mainstream news, for the past many years it's been every bit as conservative as its deadly dull counterparts on PBS, Bill Moyers excepted. They may allow Howard Zinn or even Noam Chomsky a brief bit of air time every seventh blue moon, but by and large their guest deck is as stacked with the usual Republicrat spokes-jerks as any cable news show.

So in light of O'Reilly's supposedly unfair and imbalanced treatment by the network, I thought it would be interesting to revisit an NPR interview from April 4, 1992 with yours truly's literary hero, Gore Vidal. It's from the first couple months of Talk of the Nation, with its original host, John Hockenberry. When a caller brought up the first Gulf War, Vidal pointed out that the rest of the world was not exactly on what John Wayne would call "th' American side." Listen to the way Hockenberry sneeringly dismisses him, ultimately cutting Vidal off before he can even respond. O'Reilly himself couldn't have done a better job. You can hear it here. (Note: File size is 700K.)

Posted by Steve Monaco at October 18, 2003 2:57 AM

 

Raymond Huffman will tell you if he's dead

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(Peter Haskett and Raymond Huffman as rendered by the dean of Shut Up, Little Man arteests, M. Flinn.)

It's time again to visit the noisiest residents of The Pepto-Bismol Palace, everyone's favorite drunkards, Pete and Ray. Our clip this time (again, from the master tapes) is a monologue by Ray where he mulls over the safety of his tool collection-- apparently, he lost a few the last time he was gone (note how the estimated value increases as he speaks), and now that he has another hospital stay in his future, he makes it clear that he won't be his usual sunny self if anything happens to what's left. The standard warning about not playing the clip around impressionable children and co-workers stands; if anything, this one is even more profane that usual. (Note: File size is 680K.)

Posted by Steve Monaco at October 16, 2003 8:08 PM

 

A little movie memorabilia for the casual collector

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From the real estate classified section of The Hollywood Reporter, Aug. 1-3, 2003:

--5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms, 6,407 + square feet per owners, 2/3 acre lot, per assessor.

--Each family bedroom with own fireplace.

--New kitchen/family room, new lavish master suite; restored solarium, billiard room/office, pool, lanai, pergola and more

--3 car garage plus large motor court

--Other rooms include a music room, library, balcony, editing rooms with special wiring and a climate-controlled wine cellar

Asking price: $5,599,000

(A tip of the Fieldsian fedora to Melvin Mole.)

Posted by Steve Monaco at October 14, 2003 10:39 PM

 

The Monday Movie Quiz #23

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How tough is this quiz? It's so tough, the film in question has never had an official release! Still, it's well known in cult movie circles as a classic, and its creator has gone on to bigger, if not better things. (He has a recent Oscar nomination to his credit.) One final clue: as in "The Fatal Glass of Beer" from two weeks ago, don't assume that the word "movie" means "feature".

If you believe you know the title of our mystery flicker, send me an email by late Sunday, and if you're correct, you too can feel the warmth of seeing your name in next week's saccharine winners circle.

Posted by Steve Monaco at October 13, 2003 3:38 AM

 

Last week's Movie Quiz winners

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Once again, last week's mystery movie proved too tough for everyone except the same unstumpable handful of movie quiz experts, but for them it was an especially enjoyable walk down memory lane. I Saw What You Did (and I Know Who You Are) was one of Castle's most enjoyable later scare-the-kiddies flicks, and like most of his best films, this one had an in-theater gimmick that only he could come up with: in this case, seat-belts for the frightened. The poster also touts the picture as being about "uxoricide"-- I looked it up so you don't have to, it's "murder of a wife by her husband".

Castle's gimmicks were as good as the movies themselves, as anyone of a certain age who experienced them will confirm. I saw 13 Ghosts at a Saturday matinee when it came out, and wish mightily that I still had my original ghost-viewer. (If you wanted to see the haunts when they appeared, you looked through the red section, and if you were a chicken and didn't, you looked through the blue.) As soon as the title characters started appearing, there was absolute pandemonium in that neighborhood movie house, with countless kids screaming and running to the lobby. It's one of my all-time favorite movie memories, and may account, in part, for me doing this weblog today.

(The gimmicks were mentioned by almost every one of this week's quiz winners, either with their own fond recollections of enjoying them firsthand, or wistfulness over being just a tad too young to have been there at the time. I especially liked one comment, and agree 100 percent: "As for William Castle, I wish there was someone today who had the heart to make movies that scared the tar out of kids without leaving permanent damage.")

I Saw What You Did was custom-made for the junior-high crowd of the era, with its prank-call plot and home-alone setup. I've been told by those who didn't see it when it was new that it was possibly more effective on late-night TV, and I can see how it might have been-- sitting by oneself in a darkened living room watching murderer John Ireland creep around outside the house might very well have been scarier than seeing it in a theater surrounded by a crowd of people. And then, of course, there was the movie's star, Joan Crawford, at the stage in her life where all she had to do to frighten children was smile. She's in particularly fine form here, with an elaborate necklace adorning her back and bosom that looks like clusters of glistening tumors. (She also appears to be genuinely drunk in at least one scene-- go back and listen to the end of the quiz clip and see what you think.)

So congratulations once again to our quiz experts: Hank Parmer, Wayne A. Palmer, Steven Jay Gellert (welcome back!), Kika Warner and E. Yarber. Tingler-ingly well done, gang!

Posted by Steve Monaco at October 13, 2003 2:10 AM

 

The Outbursts of Everett True by Condo & Raper (1907)

Filed under: Imported

Posted by Steve Monaco at October 12, 2003 9:17 PM

 

The Frederic Wertham Memorial Cover Gallery

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Mister Mystery #11, 1953

Posted by Steve Monaco at October 12, 2003 9:06 PM

 

Bad Dialogue of the Week

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(Poster from the 1947 movie based on the radio series)

This week's ridiculous conversation comes from one of the funniest of the "so-bad-it's-great" old radio dramas, Big Town, the story of newspaper editor (aka "racket-bustin' newsie") Steve Wilson, whose opening speech sets the campy tone for what followed: "The freedom of the press is like a flaming sword-- use it justly, hold it high, guard it well!" Its first incarnation, which debuted in 1937, starred Edward G. Robinson and Claire Trevor, and it was a quality program, with scripts comparable to at least grade-B Warner Bros. pictures of the time. Eleven years later, however, it returned to the airwaves in a much sillier version, and this is the one most old radio buffs revere. Its star, Edward Pawley, had a long and undistinguished career in movies of the era, but on radio his weird, trembling voice stuck out like an over-emotional thumb. The scripts were full of the most convoluted tough talk imaginable, and it was often all Pawley and the supporting cast could do to make it through each purple-noir sentence. (Often Pawley didn't make it, and his frequent flubs are another delight of the series.)

This clip is from a truly terrible episode called "The Angel of the Street", and it involves a hophead asssassin named Cokie who's doing his best to hold Wilson at bay. Count how many times he makes reference to his gun, and if that's not a challenge, try to count how many times he says "Come on, Wilson." (Note: File size is 600K.)

Posted by Steve Monaco at October 10, 2003 4:30 AM

 

. . . and First Lady Maria Shrivel, er, Shriver

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"By the time that I am recalled, every woman in the state will look like this!"

Posted by Steve Monaco at October 8, 2003 4:02 PM

 

The Beach Boys meet The Supremes

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(Friends for life: Fellow fashion tragedies Al Jardine and Mike Love meditating up a storm in the late '70s.)

In a case that went all the way to the Supreme Court, original band member Al Jardine was denied the use of the name "Beach Boys" in the title of his shitty little county-fair-oriented cover band, The Beach Boys' Family and Friends (which, during the litigation period, had to be called Al Jardine's Family and Friends, aka Who's Al Jardine?). The Court ruled with Jardine's nemesis, the evil Mike Love, agreeing that the famous Beach Boys moniker should only be used for his shitty little county-fair-oriented band.

Jardine's contribution to the group was even less important than Love's, so it's fitting that they should be the last two cleaning the carcass of this once-great band. Its guiding light, Brian Wilson, while having plenty of problems himself for the past 35 years, always saw clearly how mediocre his two bandmates were. He called Love's nostalgia shows "rinky-dink" and once said of his other associate, "Al's a nice man-- he's not a very good singer, but he's a nice man."

So one down, one to go: Love said he'd retire "soon", but so far, he's still dragging the band's name through the mud. Let's hope next year the Supreme Court makes him stop using it, too.

P.S. Al's grooving these days with the Al Jardine All-Star Beach Band, which consists of former Boys backup musicians from the '70s. You can learn more than you'd ever want to know about him and them at Al's website, and you can even hear his new would-be hit commercial, "PT Cruiser." (In the old days, the original group tried to get free sports cars with their songs.) Or, if you want your laughter straight, go to the funniest Beach Boys mockery site ever, Al Jardine Talks with Teens-- be warned, it's absolutely filthy (there's even a couple of porn banners at the bottom!), but there's just something won-won-wonderful about reading "Al's" ruminations on Mike "I'm a fag" Love and having sex with "hoars".

Posted by Steve Monaco at October 7, 2003 5:37 PM

 

The Monday Movie Quiz #22

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It's another soundclip quiz, with three clues put together in a single sound montage: The opening theme, the premise, and the voice of its (aged) star. Hints probably won't help-- youll either know it or you won't-- but I will say that it was made by someone who probably scared more American kids in the '60s than anybody else. (That's because adults usually couldn't have cared less about his movies.) If you know the name of the film, send me an email by late Sunday night, and you too can join next's week voyeuristic winners circle.

Posted by Steve Monaco at October 6, 2003 9:07 PM

 

Last week's Movie Quiz winners

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It was a week for comedy connoisseurs, with the mystery film being W.C. Fields' classic but not-for-all-tastes short feature The Fatal Glass of Beer, a parody of temperance melodramas of the past. In fact, it begins with a "ballad" that was an actual song of the time (albeit a put-on), and with it, Fields sets the tone for the rest of the two reels-- you either find it funny or you can't stand it. To test yourself, you can listen to it here; even if you don't like it, skip to the end to hear Fields' great closing line. (Note: File size is 600K.)

In his recent biography of Fields, James Curtis claims that it "received glowering reviews from just about everyone. Theater owners loathed it ('This is the worst comedy we have played from any company this season,' said one.)" Producer Mack Sennett hated it, too, and let the great man know it, prompting Fields to tell him, "You are probably 100 percent right. [It] stinks. It's lousy. But I still think it's good."

I do, too, and so, apparently, did the handful of Fields fans who correctly identified it: Wayne A. Palmer, Mary Flynn (a new name-- welcome!), TCB, E. Yarber, Kika Warner and Hank Parmer. A non-toxic beer for all!

P.S. The Curtis biography is a must for all Fields fans, and is the best ever written about him. While I still love the old Robert Lewis Taylor book, we all know by now that much of it was myth, not fact. The less said about the Simon Louvish bio of several years back, the better, although he did perform the impossible: he actually made Fields seem dull.

Posted by Steve Monaco at October 6, 2003 8:29 PM

 

The Outbursts of Everett True by Condo & Raper (1907)

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Posted by Steve Monaco at October 5, 2003 1:04 PM

 

The Frederic Wertham Memorial Cover Gallery

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Lawbreakers Suspense Stories #11, March 1953

(The word balloon reads: "I know you are a mute, Miss Kimberly, but even if you could yell, the people downstairs couldn't call the police. You see . . . I already cut all their tongues out!")

Posted by Steve Monaco at October 5, 2003 4:01 AM

 

What, me worry?

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(Channeling Richard Nixon, circa 1974.)

Posted by Steve Monaco at October 3, 2003 10:20 PM

 

Bad Dialogue of the Week-- Pete & Ray meet the neighbors

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I have some good news for fans of the Shut Up, Little Man recordings: yours truly has finally found the time to remaster the first CD ever made from the original master tapes, and it should be available very soon from the main keeper of the flame, Pete and Ray's former neighbor Eddie Lee Sausage. For the record, as I've mentioned before, I have no financial interest in this project whatsoever; for me, it was a labor of love, however unnatural, and my one fantasy regarding the tapes has come true: I've actually found a few odd minutes of new, never heard harangues, and they'll be included on the upcoming CDs.

Since we haven't visited the boys for awhile, here's an excerpt where Pete and Ray have a friendly discussion about cleaning the bathroom. The conversation is so friendly, in fact, it provokes a visit from next door (cameo appearance by Eddie Lee himself!)-- note the dungeon-like sound of their front door, and how quickly Peter complies with the request to quiet down. As usual, this clip is nothing but hate-filled profanity, so don't play it when the boss or the kids are around. (Note: File size is large, 1.2 MB.)

Posted by Steve Monaco at October 3, 2003 8:20 PM

 

Rush Limbaugh-- Misty watercolored mem'ries

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(Image swiped from the website of FAIR, long-time Limbaugh watchers.)

So the undying rumors of little Rusty Limbaugh's addiction to Oxycontin, aka Hillbilly Heroin, may actually now be proven as fact. It couldn't happen to a nicer prick. For two decades, this lying, phony piece of shit has done his all to continually lower the bar of political discourse in this country, inflaming a nation of brainless ditto-heads into believing that the loudest mouth wins, no matter how uninformed and wrong they are and no matter how hypocritical their "Clinton-bad, Bush-good" discourse may be. (A butcher actually kicked me out of his shop when I dared challenge his god Rush and his inaccurate nonsense; I told the bloodstained clown it was fine with me, because I was sick of buying chickens with two right wings.)

Whichever direction this story takes, like Tom Joad himself, I'll be there, and I can't wait for the National Enquirer and its report to hit the stands this weekend. I'd also like to see that bastion of journalistic integrity-- I'm serious, more's the pity-- investigate the constant rumors about Limbaugh's closeted homosexuality (next to black quarterbacks, there isn't a group in the land that Rush hasn't picked on more than gays). Plus, I'd also like a little more detail about his mysterious deafness and his subsequent miraculous recovery. Interestingly, sudden deafness has been attributed to . . . drumroll . . . Oxycontin addiction!

But until then, I'm content to bask in the William Bennett-esque warmth of a big, fat liar frying in his own two-faced, triple-chinned lard. And while I do so, I thought I'd share a few things I remember about this worm's early days as a celebrity-in-utero:

--A tobacco fanatic (he supposedly has a walk-in humidor for his illegal Cuban cigars), he has always supported the war on drugs, including marijuana. Yet I recall a comment from the Paul Colford bio of Rush from someone who attended Kansas City Royals' parties, stating that not only did Limbaugh smoke dope, but he did it like someone who wasn't a novice.

--Like all serious political commentators, Rush has always personally read his program's snake-oil advertisers' commercials live during his show. Long ago, he was the daily pitchman for one of those stupid "People judge you by the words you use" ads that appeal to the insecurities of the inarticulate, English-challenged majority of right-wing radio's core audience. It was weeks into the hourly repetition of this annoying message before a listener finally called to tell Limbaugh that the copy contained a basic grammatical mistake. Rush didn't know what the hell the guy was talking about, but blamed it on the ad copy.

--His most infamous television moment-- even worse than his disastrous TV series, where he was known to privately mock the people who attended the tapings-- was when he guest-hosted the ill-fated CBS late-night Pat Sajak Show (1989). He came onstage brandishing an Idaho potato, calling for a boycott of same because of the state's "liberal" abortion laws. A subsequent trip into the audience proved a disaster for the asshole-- one woman after another told him, in essence, what a worthless pig he was, and their disapproval grew so vocal that he had to have the entire crowd banished from the studio! A CBS executive was later quoted by PBS's Frontline as saying, "I have never seen a man sweat so much."

So bye-bye, Rush-- it's been absolute agony knowing you, but it's the purest pleasure watching you go down (no gay joke intended).

 

Posted by Steve Monaco at October 2, 2003 4:48 AM

 

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