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Greil Monaco's No-Life Top 10

Filed under: Imported

This is usually where I give a grovelling apology to Mr. Marcus for again stealing his idea; however, I've pulled this lame stunt several times now and haven't heard from him once, so I think it's safe to say that he doesn't know about it. So screw the mea culpa-- let's get right to the ripoff.

1) The "Bowel Ride" kiddie exhibit in the center area of Des Moines' Methodist Medical Plaza. I'm never in a good mood when I have to visit the doctor, but even my outlook was momentarily brightened by the sight of several small children giggling and scampering around in the main hub of the hospital, enjoying one of those maze things, in this case an extended tube big enough for little kids to crawl or even run through. It was only when I was right beside it that I saw what it was supposed to be: the kids were capering inside a blown-up simulation of the large intestine, and it was complete with graphically-labelled trouble areas. I don't think I'll ever forget seeing one mother talking to her toddler through a bloody-looking hole in the tubing labelled "Severe carcinoma."

2) Norah Jones, Feels Like Home (Blue Note). Paul Simon's explanation of the singer/songwriter's sophomore jinx problem is still the best: "You have your whole life to write your first album, you have six months to write your second." Thanks to a debut CD that refused to stop selling, Norah got more than half-a-year, and she still came up a cropper with this tryptophan-rich turkey. She's too young to be this dead-- she makes Chet Baker sound like Little Richard. Other than a couple nice songs at the beginning, the tunes are moribund, too, with some lyrics so lame that they'd even make Mike Love laugh. The absolute worst: a duet with Dolly Parton, who now sounds like a wobbly-voiced old hellhag, which, of course, she is.

3) William Bennett, obedient servant. Great piece by Michelangelo Signorile about Matt Drudge's pathetic attempt to matter in politics again. Signorile points out that while Drudge fanned the flames of the unconfirmed rumors about an affair between John Kerry and an intern, he never mentioned another, even more salacious story being currently checked out by reporters about a "relationship" between former drug czar William Bennett and "a leather-bound dominatrix bodybuilder in Las Vegas."

4) All-Star Survivor (ASS). Okay, I know the title is actually the reverse, and it's certainly not a commentary on the show. In fact, this "Greatest Hits" version of the only good reality show is the best since its magic first season. This is the ultimate reunion show, where the audience favorites from all the past seasons have a battle of the masterminds. For my money, there is still only one, and his name is Richard Hatch. Richard's understanding of group psychology is even better than the casting geniuses behind the show, and it's great fun watching him run mental rings around the others. So far, though, the best moment involved his "final four" partner, old Rudy. This time, Rudy didn't fare as well-- he's now 75, and playing a physically gruelling game. When the others voted him off, mainly for his own good, they were in tears and so were you, watching the noble old soldier finally limp away. So it was a jolt to then hear him say, during his taped farewell speech, "Dem people that voted for me, dey'd better steer clear of me. I got a lotta friends!"

5) The ending of The Mike Malloy Show on the IEAmerica Radio Network. Actually, it's the end of the whole network: its owners, the UAW, pull the plug on all their programming on February 27. Malloy's show is the only loss, though, and it's huge-- for three years, he and his wife, Kathryn Bay, have put out the best fire-breathing liberal radio show imaginable. I'll have to work much harder now to stay informed about "the Bush crime family" without his daily summary of the news that doesn't make the mainstream. Malloy's outrage at what he sees as the fascist takeover of the country is unfeigned and unbridled, and some nights you wonder if he'll live through the show. The program provides a lot of laughs, too, and he actually has funny callers, a real rarity. (My favorite is Friday night regular Brother Sky Blue.) I hope he doesn't get a lot of time off and that he lands somewhere soon.

P.S. Malloy was on a Fox News show last weekend, and it's pretty fun to watch, at least until his mike was cut.

6 & 7) Steely Dan and Brian Wilson bootlegs from Bit Torrent. If right now you're asking, "What's Bit Torrent?", all I'll say in explanation is that it is a file-sharing program that could make Napster look like nothing. With this program, entire uncompressed CDs get circulated-- and what CDs! Now that they don't have to worry about their precious tapes being degraded by being turned into mp3s, bootleg fans are sharing their best stuff on-line. Thanks to a friend (I swear!), I've recently heard some Steely Dan live shows and outtake recordings that have given me as much pleasure as their "legit" albums. Hearing multiple versions of the songs on Katy Lied is an education in how Fagen and Becker molded each track-- they usually erred on the side of caution (for example, if there was some kind of joke in an earlier take, they'd always remove it), which is undoubtedly why the albums all sound as timeless as they do. The two hour live show from last year is a thing of beauty, with a fan's approach to the songlist; my favorite is a silky version of "Dirty Work" with the lead vocals performed by the backup singers.

Good as those discs are, the Brian Wilson stuff out there is even better. A two-CD set features a complete show from his Pet Sounds tour, where that entire album was recreated in concert for the very first time. Performed with a full orchestra as well as an inspired band that includes the fantastic Wondermints, it's the live version everybody always dreamed of. But the voice, which was one of the greatest beauties of the original, has changed as much as the man himself, so the effect is similar to hearing McCartney do Beatles songs: much depends on the love and forgiveness of the listener. No concessions need to be made for the cobbled-together Smile collection from the Unsurpassed Masters series of boots. The most famous album that never was, the one that supposedly set off Brian's mental and musical decline, this version (which replicates the original track list) is good enough just as it stands to be counted as a masterpiece. As the late Jack Paar said off the air, I shit you not.

Is anyone still awake? No? Didn't think so. Let's just say 8 through 10 weren't even worth a look and call it a list.

Posted by Steve Monaco at February 19, 2004 3:49 AM

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