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Steve Monaco to Minneapolis: Adios, Shitville!

Filed under: Imported

Long, sad story omitted, but I'm moving back to my hometown of Des Moines for good within the next few weeks. While it's an unhappy departure-- I'll be leaving some people I care for dearly-- the silver lining is that I also get to ditch the twin cities. (St. Paul is better than Minneapolis, but not nearly good enough to stay.)

I've hated this place since I got here. Where should I start with what's wrong about it? How about food-- the only reason Mini-apolitans think this is a great place for chow is because they've been eating this shit for so long, they don't know what really good food tastes like. Traffic? It's not a big enough city to have such congestion, but I guess it happens when every single person behind the wheel is a roaring fuckhead. And speaking of congestion, how about that last pollution alert? A city of less than a million and the air is so fucking dirty it's unsafe to walk!

(While we're on the subject of cars, I continue to have mine worked on by my longtime mechanic in Des Moines. He calls Minneapolis "the big city" and asked how the repair places take care of so many people. I told him, They don't-- the two main qualities you find in most repair businesses are dishonesty and incompetency.)

And "Minnesota Nice?" You know who has perpetuated this ridiculous notion? People from Minnesota! Nice is the exact opposite of what you find in Minneapolis. If I had a dollar for every surly asshole who cut me off in traffic, ignored me while he was on the job, didn't hold a door open, or fucked up my food order . . . well, I'd have a lot more money to apply to my move back to Iowa.

Now, if you're a City Pages reader who loves this dump, you're saying, Hold on, Steve, what about the wonderful things here, like all the culture? It's true, there are certainly more films, concerts, etc. going on here than in a sleepy little burg like Des Moines. But what Thomas Disch said about New York applies to Minneapolis in spades: you don't live in the city because of the culture, it's the culture that makes living in the city bearable.

I could go on and on, and maybe in another day or two I will. For now, though, it just feels great to say good riddance to this place of morons and shitheels.

Posted by Steve Monaco at May 6, 2005 5:11 AM

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