February 2008

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As Sexy As Drinking Paint Thinner: I Watch the Gene Simmons Sex Tape

Filed under: Sex

I -- this is not a joke -- gagged even reading the words "Gene Simmons Sex Tape."

"I couldn't bring myself to watch it," my buddy Casey was saying over Instant Messenger, shipping me the URL. "You need to do this. I need to know."

I'm curious, I admitted. I was also revolted. The power of procrastination combined with the power of suggestion, though, and I decided I had to do this. For Casey. For you. For America.

For SCIENCE!

Here's my running diary:

4:03 p.m.:I click the link to Fleshbot, where the sample is hosted. Even the still photo is revolting. I don't know if I can do this. Casey urges me to be strong. I reach for the Dramamine.

4:04 p.m.: I click "play." GenesSecret.com is displayed on the screen. He is, thank the maker, wearing a shirt. The man is almost 60, for crying out loud. Soft, cheesy music plays. It takes me 15 seconds before it hits me.

Holy God. That is Foreigner's "I Want To Know What Love Is."

(Later, I will be a little disappointed it's not "Lick It Up" or even "Love Gun." But for now, I'm bedazzled by this revelation. The 1970s big-hair anthem is disturbingly appropriate.)

4:06 p.m.: Simmons' partner -- who is a much younger blond, in pigtails and a corset -- starts to stroke the Genie Weenie. My stomach starts to rebel against lunch. Casey informs me that the woman in the video is his longtime partner, former Playboy Playmate Shannon Tweed. This is not, in fact, true, but it impacts my viewing experience considerably, so I'll note it now. There is halfhearted mouth behavior that used to get you arrested during the time of ubiquitous sodomy laws. It is as sexy as drinking paint thinner.

4:07 p.m.: After putting on a condom (stay safe, kids!), Gene clumsily and unceremoniously rolls the woman onto her back and mounts her. He looks for all the world like an arthritic gibbon. Gene's pants remain around his ankles, as we can see from the edge of the bed. Gene commences The Act of Love as Lou Gramm croons:

I WANNNNNAAAA KNOW WHAT LOVE EEEEEEEES ...

I WANT YUUUU TUUU SHOWWW MEEEEE ...

Her bosoms are not heaving. My stomach, however, is.

4:08 p.m.: The girl is wearing flip flops. Her breasts are disturbingly large, obviously augmented. This is as lustful as watching my neutered dog hump the air, as he sometimes does when disturbed.

Note: I would not blame the dog if he began humping air now. Fortunately, for everyone, he's asleep on the couch.

Gene leans in for the kiss ...

4:09 p.m.: ... SHE TURNS HER HEAD AWAY. The following exchange occurs between me and Casey:

Me: "Holy shit, rejected for the smooch while paying for sex. I have just added Gene Simmons definitively to the list of people I hope to never be."

Casey: "Paying? That's not a prostitute -- she's his WIFE!"

Again, this turns out not to be the case. And Gene Simmons is not married to Shannon Tweed anyway. But keep in mind that during the following sequence I believed it utterly.

4:10 p.m.: Gene goes again to kiss his "wife". Again denied.

She is the Dikembe Motumbo of kiss rejection. It is a marquee performance. Gene zigs, she zags -- it's like watching a bloated Wile E Coyote trying to catch an aging, world-weary road runner. You can't help but think of Julia Roberts' character in Pretty Woman, who refused to kiss her sex partners because the gesture is too intimate.

4:11 p.m.: The woman compromises by putting her left arm around Gene, the only act of feigned affection he's getting during this mechanical act. She's still visibly ducking the kiss, but is apparently hoping the cursory half-embrace will make him stop.

This is his wife? I think. Really? How bad must Gene's breath be at this point?

4: 13 p.m.: She's still wearing the corset, but her giant breasts are hanging out of it. Perfunctorily, Gene moves off her and lies on his back. She gets on top and Gene honks her breasts like they are twin, silicone bicycle horns.

Finally -- after three sexual positions -- she kicks off her flip-flops.

4:14 p.m.: Now she's squatting on top of him, moving up and down gingerly as if peeing on a toilet seat that is too cold! now just right! too cold! now just right! Finally, she loses her balance and nearly falls off Gene (or is she trying to get off of him and run away?).

Gene reclines, hands behind his head. He has either had an orgasm or is losing interest, and it is honestly difficult to tell.

This site says the woman is an "Austrian energy drink spokesmodel," and as it turns out, her name is "Elsa."

You may draw whatever conclusions from this you like. I choose these lessons:

1. The difference between a loveless marriage and purchased sex is really not much, visually.

2. Never, ever watch a sex tape involving Gene Simmons

Posted by Jeff Shaw at February 29, 2008 10:18 PM | Comments (8)

 

First the Norwegian consulate ... now Norwegianity

Filed under: Politics

The popular, link-laden liberal politics blog Norwegianity is shuttering its virtual doors soon. Prolific lefty firebrand Mark Gisleson is burned out, and he's announced that "at soon as Obama conclusively wraps up the nomination," he's done. But he's left a few sparkling prose examples.

Gisleson's noted for his fervent assaults on the current regime, and hopes the next administration will help us move beyond certain phenomena:

America needs to grow up and put the regressive and childish Bush administration behind us. And toward that end, my aggressive and insulting partisan rhetoric isn't helpful.

Not that even this sort-of-goodbye post is bereft of the aggro and pointed bon mot, however. Here just one example of something to remember the blog by:

As I've already said, the Baby Boomers have fucked things up beyond recognition. Hell, we fucked up beyond FUBAR. If someone used Bush's face to clean my toilet, I wouldn't sit my ass on it ever again, having a much higher opinion of my ass than I do any surface touched by his cancerously hateful face.

Posted by Jeff Shaw at February 29, 2008 12:53 PM | Comments (0)

 

Breakfast of Champions: 2/29

Filed under: Breakfast of Champions

DAILY DISH: WHAT'S NEW AROUND THE SITE

Sarah Askari's latest notes column asks if Prince is getting hip replacement surgery. Maybe we should ask Steven Terrie-Gates:

Rachel Hutton reports that the Pinkberry frozen yogurt franchise is not available to Minnesota residents. Reviews of the frozen fake ice cream are mixed, but my favorite commenter's review goes like this: "It takes like baking soda mixed with crushed ice."

Kevin Hoffman writes about Abby and Brittany Hensel, conjoined twins.

The VP Pawlenty Meter isn't quite at the red line, but it takes a dip.

The secret service allegedly stopped screening for weapons at an Obama rally. That's ... unsettling. Also, they're not Free Speech Zones, they're just zones.

The Not Invited Tournament beckons for the Gophers.

BRAIN CANDY

Here are the most popular posts, slideshows and articles from Feb. 20-26:

TOP FIVE STORIES
Skinheads at 40
Nick and Eddie
Running With Diablo
Maplewood Follies
Nothin' But Trouble

TOP FIVE SLIDESHOWS
Skinheads at 40
Art Sleds
Tapes 'n Tapes surprise show
Fetish Ball
Crittercam

TOP FIVE BLOG POSTS
Bill O'Reilly lynching
McCain mistress
Obama dressed in turban
Where and how to watch the eclipse
Hillary: McCain's classier than you

Posted by Jeff Shaw at February 29, 2008 7:26 AM | Comments (0)

 

VP Pawlenty Meter: Trouble on the homefront

Filed under: VP Pawlenty Watch

Will Governor Tim Pawlenty become our nation's next vice president? It's hard to keep track of all the many factors at play. Each week, the VP Pawlenty Meter (TM) provides an odds sheet to ensure you make your best bet. We use a 20 point scoring range, with +10 being T-Paw sworn in, and -10 being T-Paw found with a dead girl or a live boy.

Last week, T-Paw was large and in charge, having been crowned a potential VP by the politically influential site, "The Fix," while McCain managed to weather the New York Times' poorly-sourced mistress allegations to emerge stronger (and more virile!) than ever. Carrying a +3 into this week, the Gov couldn't help but be confident ... but will that be his undoing?

-- Dissed in Wall Street Journal as "too liberal" to be McCain's VP (-3)
-- Pawlenty appears on "Fox News Sunday" and "Late Edition" to give McCain props (+1)
-- T-Paw denies he's interested in being VP ... while grinning like a schoolboy. (0)
-- Vetoes $6.6 billion transportation bill, burnishing image as a fiscal conservative (+2)
-- But House and Senate vote to override veto, handing him a stinging defeat (-2)
-- Molnau ousted (-2)

Current score: -1

Posted by Kevin Hoffman at February 29, 2008 7:00 AM | Comments (3)

 

Minnesota's Abby and Brittany Hensel, conjoined twins, make Newsweek

Filed under: Science

I still remember the day I walked in on my wife staring raptly at the TV screen. I followed her gaze and was stunned to see a girl who appeared to have two heads. In fact, it was conjoined twins Abby and Brittany Hensel, two of the most remarkable people in Minnesota.

I was reminded of this today as I flipped through the new issue of Newsweek and saw a picture of the Hensel twins in a swimming pool. They were mentioned at the tail end of an article called Reality's Believe It or Not. Here's the part of the article concerning the Hensel twins:

You hear a lot of mixed emotions from the stars of these shows—none of whom, by the way, is paid to appear. Abby and Brittany Hensel allowed the world to watch them take their driving test, even while the conjoined twins—they have two heads but one set of arms and legs—decided who would control the gas (Abby) or the blinker (Brittany). "Abby and Brittany Turn 16" is handled with great care, the girls are given plenty of time to talk about their anatomy in nonsensational ways. They explain that they made the film "so people wouldn't have to always stare and take pictures. Cause we don't like it when they take pictures … so they just know who we are and stuff." But as the film progresses, you see that any time the twins leave their Minnesota town, people blatantly photograph them, leaving the girls feeling "violated," according to their mother, Patty. She gets teary in the documentary when she explains how she doesn't want her girls to grow up like circus performers, and she hasn't let the girls speak to the media since the movie debuted two years ago. Watch the movie now—it's still in heavy rotation on the Discovery Health network—and you can see why they'd shun the spotlight. It's hard to shake the creepy, voyeuristic feeling you get when you watch the girls make pottery or brush each other's hair. The narrator explains that they are, "in nearly every sense, perfectly normal teenagers." But we know we're watching precisely because they're not.

YouTube embed of "Joined for Life: Abby and Brittany Hensel turn 16" after the jump ...

According to this Wikipedia entry, the Hensel twins first came to the world's attention in 1996. Two years later, the Carver County, Minnesota, twins were featured on the cover of Life under the caption "One Body, Two Souls."

The Hensel twins appeared in a followup documentary on the Learning Channel in December 2006, when they were 16. This was the documentary that my wife and I saw. The most amazing part of the story was when the twins passed their drivers license exam, which is described in the Wikipedia article:

They had to take the tests twice, once for each twin. Both control the steering wheel, Abby controls the pedals, transmission, radio, heat, defogger etc. , and Brittany controls the turn signal and lights.

These two young women have remarkable spirit and their story should serve as an inspiration to anyone tempted to think his or her life is too challenging.

Posted by Kevin Hoffman at February 28, 2008 8:01 AM | Comments (4)

 

Breakfast of Champions: 2/28

Filed under: Breakfast of Champions

DAILY DISH: WHAT'S NEW AROUND THE SITE

To go along with the Sia review from Tuesday, we have some excellent photos by Tony Nelson, including one nearly-naked shot. Of course, the nearly naked shot is of Sean Tillman. We give the people what they want.

The Sia shots aren't included in February 2008: The Month in Photos, just because those slideshows are right next to each other on the home page and that would be silly. Kind of defeats the purpose of leap-month, sad to say. Revisit 22 of our favorite stories and images from the past several weeks, with links to accompanying content.

Donations by military families are trending more Democratic, and on the Republican side, the faraway frontrunner among servicemember donations is Ron Paul. When last I checked, those two men were in basic agreement on roughly one issue. Okay, two. They both want to legalize online poker.

Winter is coming. Or is at least not going without a fight. The best way to speed the onset of spring is to eat more ice cream, which you can do with confidence now that Pinkberry's not coming.

Jonathan Kaminsky notes the passing of William F. Buckley Jr., a towering figure of American conservatism. Swamped yesterday, I didn't get to chance to weigh in. I hope to carve out the time later today.

Posted by Jeff Shaw at February 28, 2008 6:49 AM | Comments (0)

 

Snowfall expected

Filed under: Weather

Just received this press release:

Blustery Cold Ahead of Clipper

State College, Pa. -- February 27, 2008 -- AccuWeather.com reports an Alberta Clipper diving out of western Canada tonight will spread moderate snow across the northern Plains and the Midwest before reaching the East late on Friday.

Cold air and gusty winds will spread across the Plains and Midwest today before the clipper dives out of western Canada tonight. The AccuWeather.com Winter Weather Center reports that the winds today will spark an outbreak of lake effect snow to the lee of the Great Lakes.

Some areas on the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and to the lee of Lake Michigan could receive up to 6 inches of snow today. Consult the Severe Weather Center for storm-related watches and warnings in effect today.

The clipper is expected to spread moderate amounts of snow from the western Plains to the lower Great Lakes. With little moisture available to the system, most areas will receive 1 to 3 inches as the Clipper reaches the Great Lakes by late Thursday and early Friday.

Posted by Kevin Hoffman at February 27, 2008 1:55 PM | Comments (1)

 

William F. Buckley is Dead

Filed under: Politics

When I die, this is pretty much how I want the AP to break the news:

His assistant Linda Bridges says Buckley died Wednesday morning at his home in Stamford, Conn. She says he had been ill with emphysema and was found dead by his cook.

My assistant explaining that I was discovered by my cook. That sounds ducky. In case you're wondering, here's a bit more about the legendary friend to the rich.

Posted by Jonathan Kaminsky at February 27, 2008 10:43 AM | Comments (5)

 

Breakfast of Champions: 2/27

Filed under: Breakfast of Champions

DAILY DISH: WHAT'S NEW AROUND THE SITE

Timberwolves fans, Jonathan Kaminsky has the definitive profile on Al Jefferson, the man traded for Kevin Garnett. If you don't normally view the accompanying photo galleries, I strongly suggest you check this one out, since it has notes, quotes and details not found in the story. We've selected three videos as well, and while Al might find the third one embarrassing, we think it's charming.

Jessica Armbruster's interview with Graffiti Research Labs co-founder James Powderly will teach you everything you ever wanted to know about the LED throwy, and show you some examples in photo.

I have spent all of the past three days watching every single video produced by Steve Barone (aka Steve O. Gratin, potato wrestling champion of the universe). I strongly recommend the Hawaii Show Part 2, every wrestling video and the interview with Prince.

Diablo Cody won an Oscar. Can the Strib win a Pulitzer? Kevin Hoffman handicaps the race and offers context.

A new program might stop the bleeding in the local foreclosure housing market. By itself the $10,000 credit to purchase a home won't be enough, but I explain why it's a good start.

Politics! John McCain: classy, says Kevin Hoffman. Tim Pawlenty: not so much, says Paul Demko. Mitt Romney: 4 Life, says I.

Penumbra's production of The Piano Lesson, says Quinton Skinner, is the way the show is meant to be done.

We have a full report from the Sia show last night at the Fine Line, also featuring the return of Har Mar Superstar. Photos to came later this morning.

Posted by Jeff Shaw at February 27, 2008 6:44 AM | Comments (0)

 

Franchise 2.0: The More You Know

Filed under: City Pages

We present to you Al Jefferson, You Tube Star. First, here's a primer on Al Jefferson's variety of offensive moves, from the ball fake to the head fake to the quick step toward the hoop to the soft jumper to the, well, you get the picture. The second half of the video, which deals with Randy Foye, is strictly extra credit.

Here's the Cliff's Notes for Jefferson's breakout game in December 2006 against the Nets. Jefferson scored 29 points and hauled in 14 boards in the come-from-behind victory.

And here's proof of the pratfalls that come with skipping college to go straight to the pros.

Posted by Jonathan Kaminsky at February 26, 2008 2:36 PM | Comments (0)

 

Handicapping the Strib's Pulitzer odds

Filed under: Media

Editor & Publisher magazine has an article identifying likely Pulitzer contenders and, no surprise, it mentions the Strib's bridge collapse coverage as a possibility in the "breaking news" category:

Another breaking news contender is the August bridge collapse in Minnesota's Twin Cities. Both The Star Tribune of Minneapolis and the St. Paul Pioneer Press drew accolades for going all out on the story, with Web coverage and follow-ups in print and online. Both papers, as well as numerous national outlets, also focused on the lengthy list of bridges and structures nationwide later found to have been deemed unsafe or deficient.

According to E&P, the Strib's competition is likely to include:
-- the Roanoke (Va.) Times, Washington Post and Richmond (Va.) Times-Dispatch for coverage of the Virginia Tech massacre.
-- The Post & Courier in Charleston, S.C. is a "dark horse" contender for its coverage of a June sofa fire that killed nine.
-- The Omaha (Neb.) World-Herald could win for its coverage of the December mall shooting that killed eight.

I've always thought the breaking news category isn't really a measure of a paper's greatness so much as which city got hit with the worst tragedy in the last year, and this list is no exception.

Posted by Kevin Hoffman at February 26, 2008 12:26 PM | Comments (6)

 

Mortgage crisis: is help on the way?

Filed under: Economy

A Minneapolis program would offer homebuyers a $10,000 bonus toward buying houses in 18 foreclosure-heavy neighborhoods. With additional neighborhood assistance, this news could be worth $14,000 to 50 potential purchasers.

It's not exactly free money, but if you stay in the house for five years, that's the ultimate effect.

The money could be used to cover down payments, closing costs and repair costs that exceed the home's appraisal. Although structured as a zero-percent loan, the aid would be fully forgiven after five years.

This is a step toward rebuilding the crushed housing market. When neighborhoods are full of vacant houses, property values continue to spiral downward. Getting people back into those houses, many of which are in North Minneapolis, would lessen the more than 800 boarded up community properties.

If the plan, which has the backing of Mayor R.T. Rybak, is implemented, these are the neighborhoods eligible:

All but four neighborhoods on the North Side are included, along with the Phillips, Whittier, Central and Powderhorn Park neighborhoods on the South Side and the Beltrami and Holland neighborhoods of northeast Minneapolis.

Nationally, chilling statistics continue to roll in. U.S. home prices fell almost 9 percent in the last quarter of 2007, which is a record downswing. Foreclosures were up 57 percent in January compared to the same month last year. The presidential candidates are talking about it, too, with Barack Obama proposing a $10 million fund to keep people in their homes:

Much work is needed. Nobody thinks the 10K credit is going to get at the root of the mortgage crisis, here or nationwide. It's also not going to solve the foreclosure problem, given that 2,900 homes were foreclosed upon here over the last year. It could stop the bleeding, though, and ameliorate a vicious equity hemorrhage cycle around Minneapolis.

Posted by Jeff Shaw at February 26, 2008 11:04 AM | Comments (1)

 

Breakfast of Champions: 2/26

Filed under: Breakfast of Champions

The big news in local media from yesterday: The Rake's print operation will cease, leaving rakemag.com to carry on online. It's always a shame to lose another media outlet and see the lives of talented people disrupted.

This says a lot about the (nasty) state of the economy and the growing pains journalism is experiencing. The CEO of the Pi Press' parent company said as much. I've been meaning to do a longer post about web traffic trends among local news sites and what it means for the future, so look for that in a few days.

One of the coolest elements in the print paper is the art we commission, and we just haven't found a spot for it online. Until we get a permanent home for this work, we're going to start occasionally collecting them into Art of the A List slideshows. Some of these artists (like Miss Amy Jo) you are likely familiar with; others you may not. All are worthy of your support.

A few of my favorites: a Grand old time, the disgruntled octopus, Crypticon, Happy Kahloween and the Ice Queen has a chainsaw.

If you watch one YouTube video today, make it this one involving Steve Barone -- formerly of Lifter Puller, current potato wrestling champion of the universe. If you watch more than one video today, watch the rest of Barone's videos.

Wingnut Cap'n Ed takes down his shingle, joining wingnut Michelle Malkin. Hopefully they'll work in the same office so that the cross-pollination of crazy can create unpredictable effects -- you know, like crossing the streams in Ghostbusters.

The year's most anticipated restaurant (Porter & Frye) is now open, Rachel Hutton blogs.

Jason Lewis disses T-Paw on the WSJ editorial page.

Someone with the Clinton campaign started showing off images of Barack Obama dressed in traditional Somali garb. This is disgraceful race-baiting, writes Kevin Hoffman.

Come back Mitt! If you re-enter the race I'll sing "Holding Out For a Hero" for you at karaoke.

A local art student offers a multimedia arts take on the I-35 bridge collapse.

Posted by Jeff Shaw at February 26, 2008 6:44 AM | Comments (0)

 

Glory days

Filed under: Media

William Dean Singleton, CEO of MediaNews Group, parent company of the Pioneer Press, spoke to a conference sponsored by the Newspaper Association of America over the weekend. Lean Dean had some typically blunt words about the future of the newspaper industry. Howard Owens reported some of his comments:

“If you read Romenesko every day and you hear our people in newsrooms whine — they whine and whine and whine wishing for the old days to come back. Damn it, I wish the old days would come back, too, but wishing for it isn’t going to make it happen. You must be focused on the future.”

And: “When we had to make cuts at one of our larger papers somebody in one of our unions put out a letter that said, ‘Well, we won’t be able to put out the same newspaper we have over the past 30 years.’ I said, ‘Precisely. Our readers don’t wnat the same newspaper we’ve been putting out over the past 30 years.’”

(Cribbed, naturally, from Romenesko.)

Posted by Paul Demko at February 25, 2008 3:57 PM | Comments (0)

 

Captain's Quarters R.I.P.

Filed under: Blogs/Web

Captain's Quarters, the influential right-wing blog run by Eagan resident Ed Morrissey, will soon cease to exist. Morrissey announced today that he'll be joining Michelle Malkin's Hot Air site as a writer at the end of this month. In five years of operating the site, Captain Ed became a darling of blog evangelist Hugh Hewitt and other conservative pundits. Lately Morrissey's been spreading hokum about the "coming Obama theocracy." Shudder! No word on whether Captain Ed will be required to keep that adorable moniker, or whether he will continue referring to his wife as the "first mate."

Posted by Paul Demko at February 25, 2008 3:22 PM | Comments (2)

 

The Rake shuts down print publication

Filed under: Media

The Rake magazine is no more. The March issue of the monthly--founded by Tom Bartel and and his wife, Kris Henning, in 2002--will be the last. The announcement was made on the Rake's web site this morning. Bartel was not immediately reachable by phone, but had this to say in a statement.

“There is nothing wrong with The Rake other than the bottom line. We’ve been really honored with wonderful writers and contributors, a hard working talented staff, faithful readers, and loyal advertisers."

The Rake's web operation will continue.

**UPDATE**
I just spoke with Bartel. Not surprisingly, he attributes the magazine's woes to a difficult economic climate, particularly for print publications. "It wasn’t that anything changed dramatically," he says. "We just didn't see anything in the future that was going to be any different. We're in a declining industry. You throw a recession on top of that and ..."

He didn't finish that last thought, but I think we can all figure out what he means. Bartel also blamed the magazine's difficulties on increased competition, noting that publications such as The Onion, Metro, VitaMn, Spaces, and Marc all began publishing after The Rake.

All employees are immediately laid off, with the exception of online editor Cristina Cordova. "It's our current intent to continue to run that part of the business," says Bartel.

Posted by Paul Demko at February 25, 2008 11:37 AM | Comments (2)

 

Wall Street Journal disses Tim Pawlenty

Filed under: VP Pawlenty Watch

The Wall Street Journal's editorial page is among the most influential media outlets on the right. So it can't help Governor Tim Pawlenty's VP chances that the paper just printed this column by 100.3 KTLK-FM yakker Jason Lewis. Lewis comes not to praise Pawlenty as a conservative, but to bury him as a liberal, which should be obvious from the quote that leads the piece:

"The era of small government is over . . . government has to be more proactive, more aggressive."
-- Tim Pawlenty, 2006.

Lewis goes on to point out the many ways in which Pawlenty is to conservatives as Joe Lieberman is to Democrats. Among T-Paw's sins:
-- Supported a 75 cents per pack cigarette tax
-- Expanded Minnesota Care to provide healthcare to more children
-- Advocated a temporary ban on pharmaceutical ads
-- Back-to-back biennial budget increases of 12.4% and 9.8%
-- Cozied up to the teachers' union
-- And perhaps worst of all ...

In April, Mr. Pawlenty delivered the remarks that probably best reveal his views on the environment. "It looks like we should have listened to President Carter," he told the Minnesota Climate Change Advisory Group.

Posted by Kevin Hoffman at February 25, 2008 9:55 AM | Comments (1)

 

Breakfast of Champions: 2/25

Filed under: Breakfast of Champions

DAILY DISH: WHAT'S NEW AROUND THE SITE

Watch the Oscars last night? I heard some people won, and other people didn't win, and there was crying. Does that about cover it?

To mark the occasion of our former colleague's victory in the original screenplay category, we offer Diablo Cody's Greatest Hits from our paper. Maybe she'll write a movie someday that will go on this poster list.

When I win an Oscar, I expect my greatest hits to include statues of sports figures pooping.

Over the Weekend contains a review from St. Vincent's amazing show at the Cedar on Friday (pictures) as well as a few other anecdotes from around town. Paul Demko reports on the funeral for Homegrown, the local music program that has been around for a decade. Also, First Avenue couldn't pass on celebrating Dre Day (slideshow).

Think Ralph Nader's ego-laden presidential runs are an aberration that must be weighed against all the good he's done for the country? Think again, writes Jonathan Kaminsky.

Pawlenty-o-Meter: looking up! The Washington Post calls him the front-runner for the VP slot.

Comparing scandals: this whole Obama "plagiarism" nonsense is pretty silly. And I could not possibly care less if John McCain had an affair, although this whole "cozying up to lobbyists and lying about it" angle is worth serious investigation.

Hey, all you RNC attendees! Worried about liquidity problems prior to your evenings on the town? Don't be embarrassed at Deja Vu -- get this card!

I'd like to have a day like the one Lawrence McKenzie had for the Gophers.

Philadelphia + Major League Soccer = Booing Santa Claus again. Somehow. I'm sure.

Posted by Jeff Shaw at February 25, 2008 7:17 AM | Comments (0)

 

The Best of Diablo From These Pages

Filed under: City Pages

It's not every day when a former staffer wins an Academy Award. In honor of Diablo Cody's Oscar for best original screenplay, we've collected the top five stories she wrote during her time at City Pages.

For more from Diablo, you can also always check out her author archive for stories or the blog archive. Also, don't miss our feature interview with the Juno author and companion slideshow from late December.

5. "The Dirty Parts"
"His engorged maleness pressed urgently against her throbbing delta." No, Diablo didn't write that. But it's Diablo Cody writing about bodice-ripper romance novels, so you know there's something of interest inside. The story, not the bodice. Well, probably the bodice, too.

4. "Crossing Bridges of Hope and Taking Leaps of Faith With the Painter of Light"
Diablo Cody, meet Thomas Kinkade. Mr. Kinkade, you may not know what hit you. From June 2005.

3. "Finding My Religion"
What's a lapsed-Catholic former sex worker who doesn't like religious dogma to do when she finds out she still believes? I can think of at least one person to ask.

2. "Anarchy and Apron Strings"
This feature about crafty girls muses on multiple waves of feminism, the knitting needle and the New Domesticity involving hipsters.

1. "Are You There, Hollywood? It's Me, Diablo"
A cover story from August 2005, the inimitable Ms. Cody recounts her adventures up to that point in the trade. This bit seems prescient:

I don't need to be Charlie Kauffman, or Nora Ephron, or "the next Zach Helm," as one agent is fond of saying. All I ask is that they let me play for a few more rounds. I love writing screenplays and knowing they could plausibly evolve into a real, visual microcosm. I love talking to people who've been involved with movies that I loved as a fan, not a participant.

Posted by Jeff Shaw at February 25, 2008 5:54 AM | Comments (1)

 

Watching the Oscars? See the Best Picture Posters

Filed under: Pop Culture

For your Academy Award-watching preparations: this site has all 79 posters for the movies that won Best Picture. You'll never get that artichoke dip made now. Might as well just crack open the beverage of your choice and scroll through, counting the films you've missed.

[Via Neatorama]

Posted by Jeff Shaw at February 23, 2008 1:10 PM | Comments (1)

 

VP Pawlenty Meter: T-Paw is large and in charge

Filed under: VP Pawlenty Watch

Will Governor Tim Pawlenty become our nation's next vice president? It's hard to keep track of all the many factors at play. Each week, the VP Pawlenty Meter (TM) provides an odds sheet to ensure you make your best bet.

When last we left our hero, he was carrying a +2 rating into the vice presidential sweepstakes, having correctly chosen the right horse to ride--and stayed on even when it looked like a broken-down nag.

This Week:
-- McCain hit with allegations involving a mistress, a lobbyist, and the New York Times. (-3)
-- T-Paw named "frontrunner" by influential political site, "The Fix" (+4)

Current odds T-Paw will become our vice president: +3

Posted by Kevin Hoffman at February 22, 2008 12:13 PM | Comments (6)

 

Breakfast of Champions: 2/22

Filed under: Breakfast of Champions

It's casual Friday at BoC, so we're wearing our beloved Stroh's Beer shirt. Check this classic piece of retro fashion:

I wonder what our new fashion columnist (debuting soon!) would have to say about this?

Fresh this morning is an interview with Daniel Ellsberg. One of the great whistleblowers of our time, Ellsberg comes to the Northrop Auditorium on Tuesday.

Elsewhere in the social conscience corner, we point out that George W. Bush has not learned the correct lesson from Rwanda, but we have reason to hope Barack Obama has.

Rachel Hutton longs for the re-emergence of Chef Shack.

Some incredible photos from the Maxwell's fire.

You may have heard this: the New York Times reported that John McCain may have had an affair with a lobbyist. But you will learn valuable lessons about the City Pages staff in the comments. Evidently, one commenter holds, we have no right to get all high and mighty since he bets not a damn one of us has less than 25 sexual partners each year. Well, duh. That's just the print staff, though. We Web editors are straight monastic.

BRAIN CANDY

These are are most-read stories and most-viewed photo galleries from Feb. 13-Feb.19. If missed anything, here's a good place to start. If you read these already, why not read them again? No extra charge.

TOP FIVE STORIES
Nothin' But Trouble
Jay's Place
Letters to the Editor
Iraqi Professor
Condom Nation

TOP FIVE SLIDESHOWS
Fetish Ball
Dean & Britta
Art Sled Rally
Cat Power
Super Furry Animals

TOP FIVE BLOG POSTS
Bang Your Spouse For Jesus
Dog Days at Westminster
20 Songs for Valentine's Day
Reporter's Notebook: Nothin' But Trouble
Hillary Clinton

Posted by Jeff Shaw at February 22, 2008 6:12 AM | Comments (0)

 

Maxwell's Fire Causes New Ice Castle

Filed under: Business

Maxwell's American Pub burned yesterday. With the temperature near zero, though, water from firehoses was freezing almost on contact.

The results were these startling photos by Tony Webster.

Posted by Jeff Shaw at February 21, 2008 7:11 PM | Comments (1)

 

Breakfast of Champions: 2/21

Filed under: Breakfast of Champions

DAILY DISH: WHAT'S NEW AROUND THE SITE

Welcome to everyone who has found the site looking for our feature about the Baldies, anti-racist skinheads who populated a famed local scene. We have a few more elements of expanded web content up, including an audio slideshow with interesting images that lets you hear the music that inspired the crew two decades ago. Also, our web archive unfortunately doesn't run as far back as 1990 -- but another site is hosting scans of the original article.

Culture to Go is going to be packed for the next few weeks until we get the new food blog up and running. Yesterday saw our hale and hearty duo of food critics critics debut; Rachel Hutton offered up the Dish on Dish and James Norton laid out the prospectus for his A La Carte column.

Don't miss Ben Palosaari's interview with the inventor of National Geographic's Crittercam. The accompanying slideshow has images of penguins, seals and lions affixed with the device, making for Cute Overload-levels of kawaii.

What would election season be without a big ol' sex scandal? I think most of us would have predicted that said inevitability would involve a Republican candidate. I'm not sure most of us would have predicted that it would involve John McCain.

Has Tiger Woods taught us nothing? Well, actually probably not, except some lessons involving Nike products. Let's try that again: has that announcer who joked about opponents lynching Tiger Woods taught us nothing? Given that the party invoking lynching this time (Bill O'Reilly) seems incapable of learning, I would guess not.

Posted by Jeff Shaw at February 21, 2008 7:31 AM | Comments (0)

 

Baldies soundslide (UPDATE: Read the original 1990 article)

Filed under: City Pages

To go along with Matt Snyders' feature and our photo gallery about the Baldies, watch our audio slideshow set to Symarip's classic "Skinhead Moonstomp."

Also, some folks on the Insurgence Records message board scanned images from the original 1990 article on the Baldies, transcribed the piece and put the whole works online. Contrast and compare.

Posted by Jeff Shaw at February 20, 2008 12:12 PM | Comments (0)

 

Breakfast of Champions: 2/20

Filed under: Breakfast of Champions

DAILY DISH: WHAT'S NEW AROUND THE SITE

Our quick guide shows you a few places to watch tonight's total lunar eclipse. As of this 5:45 a.m. writing, it's crisp and clear, though the forecast calls for partly cloudy skies later. Keep warm and keep your fingers crossed. (And watch for falling satellites, as Minnesota Monitor points out. There's a Billy Bragg joke in there somewhere, but it's too early in the morning to make it).

Our print feature is about anti-racist skinheads The Baldies, and we draw on an article from these very pages two decades ago. Matt Snyders updates the story, and our slideshow juxtaposes photographs from 1990 with images from today. I think the re-creation of our Jan. 13, 1990 cover turned out well.

Our new tandem of food critics is here. Rachel Hutton writes about Nick and Eddie, while James Norton offers up the value-for-the-money Indian locale Hyderabad. Expect to see some blog posts from them on Culture to Go while we set up our new dedicated food blog.

On the topic of cooking, cuisine and culture: Jessica Armbruster interviews Greg Laden regarding these catalysts to evolution.

Jeff Severns Guntzel attended the Walker's "Hey Girl" by Romeo Castellucci, and the overwhelming images left him thinking about gender in society.

Did you know that 14 local bars have webcams that stream live video throughout the Internet? Are any of them place you frequent? Find out here.

Keith Olbermann's latest special comment is outstanding.

BRAIN CANDY

Maybe it's because I'm the proud owner of two basset hounds. But I think this is the best thing ever posted on the Internet, and it's not especially close.

If you don't read Swedish, I'll inform you that this Flash tool is an ad for a telecom company. If we had telecoms in the U.S. that developed interactive basset hound-beatbox games, it'd be a lot easier to swallow giving them immunity from lawsuits, I'll tell you that.

Posted by Jeff Shaw at February 19, 2008 4:09 PM | Comments (0)

 

You and Your Friends Drunk: Live on Webcam

Filed under: Spotted

The New York Times tackled the topic of webcams in bars, and the Twin Cities is at the core of the story. Among the central examples is Park Place Sports Bar in St. Paul, who use a local company called Barseenlive to show a live stream of the night's business. 14 bars in the area currently run such webcams.

That sound you heard is hundreds of your neighbors frantically clicking to see if their drunken exploits have been being streamed live from the neighborhood watering hole.

Tracking the lushes isn't the stated intent of the system, though.

"When you go out, you want to know if it's busy or not. The camera's not made to spy on anyone or be incriminating," said Jen Renwick, a bartender at Park Place, a bar in Minnesota that set up two Webcams in recent months in partnership with a new company called Barseenlive. She said a couple of people have complained about privacy, but the majority of the response has been positive.

It's 11:30 a.m. on a Tuesday. Do you know where your husband is?

Some of the pro-webcam sentiment comes from partygoers who want to be sure the scene is starting before they begin departing. Others want the opposite, to find a quiet spot to nurse a drink. Still others -- no, really -- are tourists who want their families back home to be able to see them in the bar.

I cannot possibly imagine a scenario where I would want my Saturday night rendered into ones and zeroes for public consumption. But as long as I'm watching others' weekend experiences, why not get one of the big downtown Minneapolis meat markets online? If we could get a high-quality stream of, say, Sneaky Pete's, watching the pickups take shape could be the most visceral animalistic entertainment since Trials of Life.

You could watch on a big screen from house parties, offering lines on which guy would pursue which gal, setting the odds of successful interplay. Just for example:

2-1: Drink purchased
5-1: Phone numbers exchanged
10-1: Sloppy makeout session ensues
50-1: Drink-in-face
1000-1: Mutual, simultaneous drink-in-face

The possibilities of parlays, trifectas and quiniellas should go without saying. It would be the biggest thing since off-track betting. Some see webcams in bars and say, "why?" I see what might be -- an opportunity to gamble on the outcome of pick-up attempts -- and say, "why not?"

Naturally, this isn't what Barseenlive had in mind when they set up more than a dozen of these enterprises around the Twin Cities. That would be too entertaining.

Barseenlive, a directory of bars in Minneapolis, was conceived by three friends who decided at a happy hour that it would be ideal to be able to look up online what the crowd was like at the next bar they wanted to go to. After two years developing the concept, Barseenlive launched with its first bar in Minneapolis last summer, according to co-founder Jon Elizondeal.

Barseenlive runs a dedicated server for the cameras, which span 14 bars around the area, said co-founder Damian Jelich. The company's servers can support around 100 people watching the Webcams, but when it gets to the low thousands the stream will cut out, he said.

Barseenlive's website has a map of all the bars around the area you can check out, from Stillwater to Inver Grove Heights. The service costs bars in the neighborhood of $500 a month.

Privacy concerns are pooh-poohed in the story, with people saying that the video's generally low-quality, the content isn't archived, etc. etc. Then you read this:

Newsome said a woman once walked up to the camera bearing a piece of paper with a phone number, then her friend ran over and tackled her. Barmigo also gets e-mails like: "Who was the girl in the red dress last night, what's her e-mail, and can I talk to her?"

This is a foolproof tool for meeting people. "Hi. My name is [X]. We met in the bar last night. Or, actually, we didn't meet, per se. I watched you live from my parent's basement on a webcam, and ..."

Write your own pickup line in the comments. The possibilities are limitless.

Posted by Jeff Shaw at February 19, 2008 11:27 AM | Comments (14)

 

Where and How to Watch the Eclipse (Updated)

Filed under: Environment

I'm a sucker for celestial phenomena, but then, who isn't? Tomorrow night brings us a total eclipse of the moon. Not only is this rare, but the time and manner in which the lunar extravaganza will occur -- reasonably early in the evening, in a spot where most of North America can see it -- makes it all the more special.

During these events, the moon can turn colors ranging from bright orange to blood red to dark brown or dark gray. Assuming the sky's not totally cloudy, you've got to check out. Here are three suggested spots (indoor and outdoor) to do so.

For outdoor enthusiasts, Minneapolis Parks is leading a snowshoe trek at Lake Nokomis and Minnehaha Creek tomorrow night.

If the weather is clear, the Minneapolis Astronomical Society's Onan Observatory will be open. If the weather's not clear, then we're all out of luck.

UPDATE: Closer to the cities, the University of Minnesota Dept. of Astronomy will be hosting an eclipse viewing, too. Visitors can watch from the roof of the Tate Physics building from 8:30-10:00 pm. Telescopes may also be set up on Northrop Plaza.

Plan to get lucky, though, and come prepared. Plot out your spot with NASA's detailed eclipse diagrams. Take these detailed photographic tips with you, and maybe you'll catch some great pictures.

Light a candle for clear skies, and ad astra, baby.

Posted by Jeff Shaw at February 19, 2008 10:09 AM | Comments (7)

 

Breakfast of Champions: 2/19

Filed under: Breakfast of Champions

DAILY DISH: WHAT'S NEW AROUND THE SITE

Everyday life has turned into a health risk. This story reminds me of the old Tom Lehrer tune "Pollution," which is worth checking out if you haven't heard it.

When I dream of costing a newspaper millions of dollars, it generally involves huge checks with my name on them. Par Ridder took a different tack.

To get the President to piss off and stop undermining his campaign, the Republican frontrunner had to take strong steps. We have the exclusive
Dear John letter from John McCain to George Bush.

Three new posts on Balls! Jonathan Kaminsky explains why Gerald Green is the NBA's rightful slam dunk champion. Demko returns to the Champions League. And Benjamin Polk softens just a tad on John Calipari. Coincidentally, "Soft on John Calipari" will be one of the charges levied at the Democratic nominee this fall.

BRAIN CANDY

I pity fans too young to remember the halcyon days of Harry Caray (no, not the drug Halcyon, although sounded like he was on it fairly often). In no other field but baseball broadcasting can a man become a besotted old careless jester and not only keep his job, but charm a goodly portion of the populace.

Harry's been gone 10 years, so this site remembers some of his greatest hits with sound files. I especially recommend Tom Arnold's divorce, Manny "Danny" Alexander, and Booze in the Ice Cream. It's all gold, though, and this might as well be my epitaph.

From 10 years ago to more than two millennia past, we pick up the story of the Antikythera Mechanism. Recovered from a Roman shipwreck a little over 100 years ago, the device has been called the world's earliest computer.

We know it was used to calculate astronomical positions, but until recently didn't know exactly how. Cardiff University researchers, using "modern computer x-ray tomography and high resolution surface scanning," think they've got it figured now.

Turns out the scans show it used a differential gear, something scientists didn't think was invented until the 16th century. Nothing even remotely as complex (historical thought currently holds) was built for another 1,000 years.

Where did the technology go in the meantime? How precisely was this knowledge lost? Why didn't any other civilization that we know if invent it? Given these questions, there are some mysteries to unravel yet.

Posted by Jeff Shaw at February 19, 2008 12:06 AM | Comments (0)

 

$3.8 million dollar man

Filed under: Media

That's how much MediaNews recouped in legal costs from its lawsuit against the Star Tribune and its since deposed turncoat publisher Par Ridder. That revelation is contained in the newspaper chain's quarterly financial report, and was first highlighted by the San Francisco Peninsula Press Club.

That's $3.8 million that the Strib's parent company, Avista Capital Group, might find handy right now, given that its in the midst of cutting three percent of the newspaper's workforce. This follows the voluntary departure of roughly 75 editorial staff-ers last year.

MediaNews, of course, is the parent company of the Pioneer Press. The financial report offers some other interesting nuggets about the newspaper chain's financial shape. Fourth quarter profits rose in 2007 by roughly a third, from $12.9 million to $17.4 million. But this seemingly good news was offset by the revelation that revenues declined significantly. Retail advertising was off by 16 percent, while classified sales plummeted by nearly a third.

All this once again raises the question: How long until we start hearing rumblings of a MediaNews purchase of the ailing Star Tribune?

Posted by Paul Demko at February 18, 2008 12:06 PM | Comments (0)

 

Suppressed Report: Great Lakes States at Great Public Health Risk

Filed under: Environment

An exhaustive federal study about the health of boundary waters between the U.S. and Canada was supposed to come out last July. But the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention suppressed the report, perhaps because of the disturbing information it contains.

The Center for Public Integrity has obtained the study, which warns that more than nine million people who live in the more than two dozen “areas of concern”—including such major metropolitan areas as Chicago, Cleveland, Detroit, and Milwaukee—may face elevated health risks from being exposed to dioxin, PCBs, pesticides, lead, mercury, or six other hazardous pollutants.

That's weighty. Is there any argument for continuing to forestall this information's release? One top scholar who has reviewed it says no.

“It raises very important questions,” Dr. Peter Orris, a professor at the University of Illinois School of Public Health in Chicago and one of three experts who reviewed the study for ATSDR, told the Center. While Orris acknowledged that the study does not determine cause and effect—a point the study itself emphasizes—its release, he said, is crucial to pointing the way for further research. “Communities could demand that those questions be answered in a more systematic way,” he said. “Not to release it is putting your head under the sand.”

The report has been independently reviewed over a period of years by more than 20 EPA scientists, state agency scientists from Minnesota multiple academics and several boards of review. "As such," Orris wrote in a letter calling for the study's release, "this is perhaps the most extensively critiqued report, internally and externally, that I have heard of.”

You can download excerpts from the report here and check out the findings for yourself.

Posted by Jeff Shaw at February 18, 2008 9:20 AM | Comments (0)

 

Breakfast of Champions: 2/18

Filed under: Breakfast of Champions

Happy Monday, good people.

DAILY DISH: WHAT'S NEW AROUND THE SITE

Besides the customary quick notes, Over The Weekend includes a full review of three local bands (The Alarmists, Romantica and Chris Koza) at the 7th St. Entry. Tons of new pictures, too.

The St. Paul police want more Tasers. I really, really tried to not use a variant on "Don't Tase Me Bro" in the headline for this post about that. I honestly did. If you have any better headline suggestions, kindly leave it in the comments. I was going to go with "You can't tase me: I'm a rock n' roll drummer!" but that's an inside joke, and we're trying to get away from those.

Or are we?

Charles Barkley is so great I'd consider moving to Alabama just to vote for him. Well, OK, that's not true. But the question I have after reading this post is simple: is Frank Caliendo's Charles Barkley impression (which is amazing) better or worse than Scott Van Pelt's version of Stephen A. Smith? Both performances key around the word "terrible."

Birds, do it, bees do it -- even educated fleas do it. Yes, we posted a video of animals fucking. I predict this to be the fourth-classiest thing we will do this week, unless I have three cups of Yerba Mate today. Then all bets are off.

Unreleased Replacements tracks are coming! W00t!

I really didn't want to lead with "Toussaint Morrison thinks his band the Blend is the best band in town," but he just kept saying it. Gave him a lot of chances to back off it. He wasn't taking 'em. I'm told the band does put on a good show: anyone happen to see that show at the Nomad?

We have several new slideshows up on the site from the last three days, and I'd like to highlight three of them. The Walker's visual arts section has a new suburban landscapes exhibition, featuring artists from near and far. Our image gallery will give you a taste of what that's like. The art sled rally has some really enjoyable images -- I like the X-Wing and the woolly mammoth the best, but the 18 wheeler crash series is pretty awesome, too. Even if you're not into their music, Super Furry Animals put on a heckuva show, featuring giant Power Ranger heads, written signs, obscure gestures and more.

Posted by Jeff Shaw at February 18, 2008 8:15 AM | Comments (0)

 

Animal bedrooms...

Filed under: Sex

This Valentine's Day, for the fifth year in a row, the Lake Superior Zoo in Duluth lured couples to an "adults only" event with the promise of getting "a little dirty as we discuss intimate details of critter copulation" and "venture behind the scenes to one of our animal bedrooms." Oh, and there was wine and fudge.

The event was a success, with the best attendance yet: 16 couples.

In an inspiring moment of patent Minnesota enthusiasm, one attendee, in a Duluth News Tribune story, branded the event "different."

This is a story crying out for a visual supplement--and I can't believe I'm about to do this...

+ + +

What did this staff writer and his lovely wife do for Valentine's day? I thought you'd never ask.

Posted by Jeff Severns Guntzel at February 15, 2008 10:08 AM | Comments (1)

 

Breakfast of Champions: 2/15

Filed under: Breakfast of Champions

DAILY DISH: WHAT'S NEW AROUND THE SITE

Artist Phil Hansen (who you may remember from Rhena Tantisunthorn's profile) has a new work for Valentine's Day. It may be the most adorable video you watch this month.

A Florida church wants you to have sex with your spouse every day for 30 days. Because there's nothing sexier than scheduling. It's like 9 1/2 Weeks, but with an awkward sense of obligation.

When even Congress is embarrassed of your conduct, you know you've done something really wrong. I mean, this is a place where the likes of Dan Burton and William Lacy Clay, whose sycophantic fanboyism during the Roger Clemens debacle is as vomitorious as hearing tales of the pitcher's ass abscess. So congratulations, Senator Craig, yours is a special kind of shame.

Richard Jefferson is not afraid of you, and will beat your ass. He must be listening to a lot of Yo La Tengo. I knew indie rock caused violence! And not just among emo kids fighting over the black nail polish.

BRAIN CANDY

A few weeks back, one of our sister sites Topless Robot posted a 15 Greatest Spaceships of All Time list. This list includes some things that are cool, some things that suck (Composite Superman Spaceship: WTF?) and a couple of unforgivable omissions.

Dr. Who fans will lobby for the Tardis, and Whedonites the Serenity. I will argue with neither. I will, however, say that the most glaring, notable and indeed unforgivable omission is the Space Battleship Yamato. You might remember it as "the Argo" or "that ship from Star Blazers."

This show was an amazing show for a lot of reasons, but I'm going to restrain myself from writing about the sociopolitical implications of Star Blazers and what the show meant for post-colonial literature. Let's just talk about why this spaceship was incredibly bad-ass and the 35-year-old story ahead of its time.

In the show, a space empire called the Gamilons are bombarding Earth with radiation. We need a spaceship to travel to a distant star, obtaining a device to cleanse the planet. The wreckage of the Yamato (Japan's lead battleship during World War II) is resurrected from its watery grave and converted into a starship for this purpose.

Why is this ship so epic? Five main reasons.

5. The weapons. The Wave Motion Gun is the most impressive sci-fi weapon ever. While Yamato had impressive energy cannons shaped like battleship guns (and side missile launchers to evoke older naval battles involving pirate ships), it's the Wave Motion Gun everyone remembers.

The entire front section of the ship is hollowed out to allow one huge blast from this energy weapon. To use it, they have to divert all power from the rest of the ship, wait for the gun to charge ... and once it's used, the Yamato is more or less defenseless. So the gun can devastate entire targets, but once it's fired, it had better have hit. Besides the suspense involved and the iconic i