Zombies don't follow rules!
Apparently the organizers of the Zombie Pub Crawl want their zombie friends to behave themselves Saturday. It's not just about screaming "BRAINS" to get a beer either. So read these rules sent to Facebook zombies carefully before crawling out of your basement. They are incredibly hilarious and very informative. Don't forget your Segway!
Here is the note:
Two days to go! Want to maximize your fun at the ZPC, all while staying undead, unhurt and un-arrested? Here's how:
1. Be safe!
We've never had any safety issues at previous Zombie Pub Crawls, and we don't want any this year, either. So stick with your friends when going from bar to bar and when you're partying inside the bars, especially at the end of the night. And if you don't have any friends, you can make some by buying drinks for other people (especially those dressed as Uncle Sam) and spitting blood all over them. If you want to make friends before the ZPC, use Craigslist, like these lonely dudes.
2. Bring ca$h
Some people think that the Zombie Pub Crawl is about zombies. And those people are right. But it's also about drinking until you fall over. We're going to have wicked cheap drink specials at the bars, and the best and quickest way for you to get those drinks is to bring cash and pay cash right away for everything. Want to get a fishbowl at Prestons? Pay cash. Beers for your buddies at Acadia? Pay cash. Want to buy two rounds of shots for the zombie Druncle Sams? Awesome, pay cash. And tip like you've never tipped before, because those people have to clean up all the blood you leave behind.
3. Just yell "BRAINS!!!" to get a drink special
The bars will give you the drink special and that will probably be the fastest way to get drinks. Sometimes we like to go up to the bar and say, "BRAAAAAAIIIINNNSSS... and four kamikazes", which is also fast. Then we just pay cash.
3. Don't wear anything that you won't throw away.
Things gets messy at the ZPC--REALLY messy. There's a good chance that you're going to get make up and blood all over you, and beer all over you, and other people's sweat all over you, and probably some turkey leg juicy all over you, too. If you show up in a really nice gorilla costume, that would be hilarious, but you'd be all worried about getting messy and you wouldn't have as much fun. So plan on throwing your clothes away, maybe even at the Cabooze.
4. Just go on to the next bar
We don't know how many people are coming to this year's Zombie Pub Crawl. It's probably a shitload. If you're at a bar and it's too full, go to the bar across the street or the bar up the block. WE WANT YOU TO GET DRINKS! All the bars have stuff going on, so it's not going to hurt to just go to the next bar, they'll be happy to see you.
4. Stay out of traffic!
If you get hit by a car--or punched in the face by a police cop-- because you're walking down the middle of the street or throwing yourself on cars like a jackass, that's your problem.
5. Pace yourself and make it to the end of the night.
Last year I saw some guy walk out of a bar and throw up in the middle of the street. It was pretty awesome, but it was also at like 6 p.m., two hours into the pub crawl. You shouldn't be throwing up until at least 8 p.m. So pace yourself. Also...
6. Make sure you eat
One of the biggest rookie mistakes at the Zombie Pub Crawl is that people forget to eat. Don't forget to eat! And eat a lot! If you're walking around and drinking for like six straight hours, and you don't eat anything, you're going to be totally shit-faced and won't make it to the giant dance party at the end of night. Some of the bars offer food, there's a Chipotle on the route, we're going to have fucking turkey legs at the Acadia Cafe, and we just found out that Whiskey Junction sells slices of homemade pizza out of a window at their bar, which is awesome. Eat something!
7. Buy t-shirts at the end of Pub Crawl
This year we've got some space at the Cabooze, so we can sell t-shirts at the end of the night. They're going to have the poster design on them and they're looking pretty sweet.
8. Please, please, please bring your Segway
Segways are so fucking awesome. We want one so bad that it hurts worse than when Andrew WK sent us a MySpace message that said he couldn't play at the Zombie Pub Crawl because he's getting married. If you're one of the chosen few who own a Segway, bring it to the ZPC and share the amazing blessing that you've received. I'm fully prepared to get a DUI on it, too.
9. Speaking of which, make sure you have safe transportation lined up. There's a special place in hell for zombies who drive drunk. Lucky for you, there are THREE LRT STOPS on the crawl. And if mass transit isn't your thing, book a room at the Holiday Inn--it's right in the middle of this mess too.
10. Have tons of fun.
If you have other questions, visit our website or send us an email.
God bless you, and God bless America,
Zombie Druncle Sam
Photo courtesy of gynecrologist part 2