The Wisdom of F. James Lileks

Categories: Winter

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Well, another piece of mind-boggling news came to me from my very own fishwrap: the sun is to blame for the ill-fated collapse of I-35W. Sure is good to know those government dollars spent on the investigation was worth it. The Sun! Of Course! Beelzebub of outer space! Screwtape of toxic heat! Fire Ant of Armageddon! But you really want to know what bugs me? Winter. That’s what.

The whole thing seems a bit undemocratic. I sure didn’t vote to have my economic stimulus package go into filling up the holes in my down vest. Come to think of it, I didn’t get the chance to vote, and maybe crisp Benjamin’s are warmer than feathers. And what can be better than putting plastic wrap around windows to stave off old man winter? But will it clash with this year’s holiday light show? Better ask Blitzen.

Perhaps winter should just learn to act more like an adult. Instead of blowing cold winds, just blow some noise. Minnesotans can deal with that. We put up with electronic dance pop on the West Bank. WINTER, run to the Swiss mountaintops, blow a big Ricola horn and bellow out, "Hey! Third cowboy from the right! I got jock itch. Can you help an elemental force of nature out?"

That would surely hit the Planters Peanut Man in the nuts. Ha! And we all know every good man loves a monocle. And Ethiopian Coke. And the hardtack bubblegum that used to come with baseball cards. And extra strong envelopes, the kind with licky-glue that tastes like the deck of the USS Chickenhawk. Watch out, Foghorn Leghorn! This Obama Guy hates Poultry!

Which reminds me, how can a real black guy hate fried…

This has been another moment of deep insight from F. James Lileks. We now return you to our regularly scheduled program.

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