Garrison Keillor comments on Metrodome sex, horny Midwesterners


Leave it to our folksy 66-year-old Minnesotan, Garrison Keillor, to tell it like it is. Of course people in the Midwest would go have stranger sex in a bathroom. But a handicap stall? Real Midwestern folks would never do that. Blame Iowans for bad choices. 

Last week, two Iowans were caught having sex in a Metrodome bathroom with a crowd cheering them on. When the police busted them, they returned the woman to her husband and the man to his girlfriend. The woman now says the drunken mistake ruined her life.

Garrison Keillor in Salon:

That is mostly all we know, except that the woman has told reporters, "It's ruined my life," which is pretty much what a nice Midwestern lady should say after she's gotten drunk and had sex in public with a complete stranger. It shows good manners. You can't have drunken public sex with a stranger and say, "I don't know what got into me!" You are supposed to sit in the ashes and rock back and forth for a while. 
Midwesterners have always needed to go elsewhere to misbehave and so when people head south to Florida or Arizona in January, purportedly for the warm weather, we know better. "Warm weather for what?" we ask. Public sex, most likely. 
Midwesterners I know would not, even if three sheets to the wind and overwhelmed by hormones, use a handicapped stall to have sex in, just as we would never have sex in a car parked in a handicapped spot. It's a basic taboo. The adultery we cannot approve of, the drunkenness is immature, sex with a stranger is definitely sketchy, but the handicapped stall is beyond the pale. As your mother would say, "How could you do it? What were you thinking?"
Keillor envisions a classier romp at the Minnesota Orchestra, a much more classic and relatable place for stranger sex. Yes, if only they were wearing evening outfits instead of completely decked out in Iowa gear. Then we can understand their lust for one another.

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