Star Tribune NewsBreak is worse than cable access

By Fake James Lileks Tue., Mar. 3 2009 at 2:10 PM

Categories: Media is dead

Well, the good gods of humor continue their long siesta. We don't blame them. It's cold here and Cabo sure sounds great about now. White sand beaches, bottomless margarita glasses and Sally Struthers oiling her arms. Ahh, paradise. But without the humor gods around, mischief has infiltrated the Star Tribune. All of sudden, reporters are playing make-believe on the Internet. They've started their own newscast! Eek-Gad! Someone, anyone, please make it stop.

Yesterday, Fake James Lileks was on the beat. In fact, his crack reporting and deft metaphors made Real James Lileks run away from the silly show. (Hey, James! Rachael Ray is wearing her solidarity scarf again! Hop on it! Column. Fast.)

But even with our friendly leprechaun back blogging and balding faster than Joe Biden (Hoo-Waa!) the Strib didn't quit. This time, they sent out Michael Rand, a chubby version of Michael Cera to host the show. And no amount of awkward pauses could save him. His delivery style was worse than anything heard on Channel One. This guy stared at a sheet of paper and read the news. Ever hear of a teleprompter? Hello? Anybody? He couldn't even sign-off without reading his script.

But it gets worse.

At the very end of the show... wait for it... wait for it... Rand stands up and walks off the set in his underpants! Huzzah! Hey Lady! He was wearing his underpants during the entire show!!! Underpants. Professional news journalism. Underpants! Dress socks, even. Somebody lift us up, we just fell off our stool.

And let's not forget the very special guest: the Star Tribune consumer columnist. He came on to show how we could save money by spending money at CVS. It felt like someone reading the glossy inserts to us aloud.

That painful...

Yet Fake James Lileks must admit this guy sure knows how to save money. Why, he hasn't updated his hair style since 1994! Bam! Somebody stop me. I'm on a roll.

And while I'm at it: What's the difference between a Giant Squid and a Matter Baby?

With luck, NewsBreak will tell us the answer.