Randy Moss interviews Randy Moss (sort of)
|Image courtesy of Keith Allison|
|The only person Moss answers to is Moss.|
He then heaped praise on the Patriots and their coach. Now, he's looking for a job.
In this City Pages, "exclusive" we were able to obtain the following "transcript" of the two-time former Viking's first interview with himself. (Well, OK, we made that part up. But stay with us here.)
Randy: What's up?
Moss: Hey. Make this quick, aight. I gotta find a third team for this season.
Randy: Sounds good. When you returned to Minnesota a month ago, you gave the impression that you were really excited to be back there and were going to evidence some maturation from your prior time as a Viking.
Moss: Straight trash, homey.
Randy: Sure. Now, even though you pretty much roasted your now former head coach after Sunday's game and toasted Bill Belichick, you still must be pretty surprised that the Vikings cut you loose after just four games. Any ill will there?
Moss: I'll miss every last helmet in that locker room . . .'cept that bald dude with the glasses who kept telling me stuff to do. What was his name again?
Randy: Right. Brad Childress. So, in what served as your last game in Purple, you had only one catch for eight yards in your return to New England. What was up there?
Moss: Naw. I had more than that. Check again. 'Cause that would be the fourth time I've had two or fewer catches in my last 13 regular season games. Don't play that.
Randy: No, I checked twice, man. And while we're talking about streaks: You're now unemployed and have gone 15 straight games -- regular season and playoffs -- without six catches or getting 100-yards.
Moss: Is there a question in there?
Randy: What's up with that? I mean, you had just 13 catches in your return to the Vikings. In October, some guys around the league named Danny Amendola, Davone Bess and Mike Williams have least twice that many. Did you and Favre struggle to develop a rapport?
Moss: I just want to let people know that there's nothing between us but love. Brett and me should have been like a Cinderella story.
Randy: Wait. Didn't you kinda already say that same thing about Daunte Culpepper once?
Moss: Oh yeah. I get my quotes mixed up sometimes. Naw, Brett's cool. He's still my boy. It's just that he's no Cinderella anymore, you know? He's kinda like an ole' bloody pumpkin all carved up with the candle blowing out soon.
Randy: I'm not sure if you noticed: But had you actually made some earnest effort to catch that deep ball in the fourth quarter where you got a pass interference call, there's a chance Favre may not have suffered the blow that knocked him from the game.
Moss: Wait? What's that 'bout blow?
Randy: It seems like the Vikings lined you up on the left pretty often. Do you think your numbers would have been better on the other side of the field?
Moss: When you're rich you don't right checks.
Randy: I've noticed you have played just one game on a natural surface this year. Maybe your next team will recognize that. Do you think too much play on turf is hurting your impact?
Moss: I have used, you know, grass... since I've been in the league. But as far as me abusing it and, you know, letting it take control over me, I don't do that, no.
Randy: I noticed in your post-game comments on Sunday that you seemed really homesick for New England and that you were wearing a Red Sox cap. Was that to express something more than what you said? Is there anything beneath the gesture that you want to talk about?
Moss: I'll tell you what's under it, playa. The best receiver in the game.
Randy: Um, yeah. I think I've heard you say something to that effect before. Anyway, it seems like -- despite your own measured numbers during the brief return to Minnesota -- your presence really opened up the field for other players on the offense. Adrian Peterson keeps running like a horse and, boy, is Percy Harvin coming into his own as a star.
Moss: Ain't nothing but 10 other man. What's 10 other man to me?
Randy: What about the Vikings coaching staff? You kinda threw Childress under the bus after the loss to the Pats while deifying your former coach, Bill Belichick. Do you think that you and the Minnesota staff just never became comfortable with each other?
Moss: They really don't know me, and I really don't know them. But one thing for sure that I tried to leave them with is I am serious about my J-O-B-B.
Randy: Um, just one "B" there. That sounds familiar to what you've said in the past too. But we hope you'll get another one of those. Just a few more questions, OK?
Moss: Y'all can turn those cameras off.
Randy: Right. No, but this is a recorder. You're not under contract for next year, you've got 13 NFL seasons under your belt and you're heading into you mid-30's. If there's a lockout next year: Would you ever come back? What would you do with yourself in the interim of there's no games?
Moss: Go back to West Virginia and sit on the porch all day in an ole wooden rockin' chair. Who wouldn't want to do that even with a sliver in back?
Randy: Yeah. Oakland. I remember those wasted days, too. That didn't work out so hot, either. But thanks for the reference. And I appreciate your speaking with me. It will probably become important to start talking with reporters again if you need to put on a good face for a new team. But you know: if we keep having these chats for the rest of the season and dodge questions from other people, it's going to cost, like, a quarter of a million dollars. Any idea how you'll pay for that?
Moss: I think y'all know that answer. I'm out.