Ten Reasons to Elect Tim Pawlenty President of the United States of America

Categories: T-Paw

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In Tim We Trust.
For Tim Pawlenty, the hour of reckoning is near.

He's signed innumerable copies of a book that hardly anyone's actually read. He's ground through countless speeches and hobnobbing sessions in New Hampshire, Iowa, and anywhere else teabaggers will have him. He's worked overtime to please every right-wing radio and cable news host in the nation.

Soon, Pawlenty will tell Americans whether or not he's going to run for the presidency. Herewith, we offer 10 reasons why he should be the next occupant of the White House.

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Pawlenty Family Values
Strong Family Values

Pawlenty has the conservative social mores angle locked down. How family-values is this guy? Well, in 2008 he voted to pardon convicted sex offender Jeremy Giefer because, he explained, Giefer had done the right thing and married the 14-year-old he was convicted of statutorily raping. True, the wisdom of the gesture was called into question last year when Giefer was charged with serially raping the underage daughter he had with his first victim, but the important thing is that Pawlenty recognizes the sacred relationship between a predator and his child-bride.

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The Courage to Barf.
The Courage to Barf

In a Facebook era when over-sharing is the rule, not the exception, Tim Pawlenty will make an excellent Commander in Chief. Here's a guy who has the courage to emote about blowing chow as he cleans rotten-meat hooks out of some trailers behind a warehouse for part-time scrip. And he's not afraid to hire a real writer to churn out some purple prose to jazz up this and other assorted family tales in order to try to move product. He's truly a TMI stud for our times.

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T-Paw: Action Hero
Americans Love Movie Stars

The man understands what in political circles is called "optics." Al Gore may have invented the internet, but Tim Pawlenty has perfected it with his use of YouTube-enabled propaganda reels. T-Paw's ongoing series of wide-screen Hollywood self-promotional videos make Leni Riefenstahl look like an amateur. Loving shots of eugenically apple-cheeked heartland kids, the indomitable power of the American Luftwaffe, the searing Two Minutes of Hate for union workers and other enemies within--Pawlenty's message machine is pitch-perfect on every count. Americans love movie stars. If we can't have Reagan back, at least we can elect a viral-video celebrity.

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Dreaming of Convictions.
Not Afraid to Man Up

Pawlenty has the courage of his convictions, and he's not afraid to man up and admit when he's changed those convictions for political expediency either, especially if it means putting a smile on the collective faces of his party's new climate change-denying base. Cast your mind back to 2005: He drove an E85-friendly SUV. In 2007, he was as close to being a tree-hugger as Republicans would tolerate. He signed a bill to cut Minnesota greenhouse gas emissions mid-century by 75 percent. He supported cap-and-trade legislation. But it turns out he was full of hot air then. Or maybe it's now. We're not sure. His convictions keep changing. These days, he calls his diligent work on climate change issues "a mistake," with a hand out looking for tea party votes.

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Smart Enough For Jon Stewart.
Won't Be Stopped by the Constitution

Pawlenty has the necessary confidence in his own judgement to be a strong leader. When the Legislature didn't balance the budget by its deadline two years ago, he didn't do something rash like call a special session. Instead, T-Paw just went through the whole thing himself and crossed out a bunch of stuff he didn't like. Okay, so maybe this did turn out to be unconstitutional, but you've got to give the guy credit for knowing he's smarter than every state legislator combined.

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21 comments
Dr. J
Dr. J

Wow, mean spirited rhetoric like this coming from a graduate of Vermont and Boulder,Co. What a surprise.

thebiggfrogg
thebiggfrogg

Hard to blame Mary. Quite understandable that she's frigid in MN for Timmy. Makes perfect sense. That faux Mr. Rogers schtick is hardly a turn-on. At least Mr. R was the real deal. T-Paw truly lives in the "Land of Make Believe" if he think his bland as pablum, teabagger swilling wafflepalooza will take him to 1600 PA.

SamuelDela86
SamuelDela86

Guess I didn't realize how far left City Pages is. Silly Libs.

Minnesota Voter
Minnesota Voter

1. He will cancel the $2,000,000,000 O'bama loan to PetroBas (Brasil) to drill oil2. He will reduce spending to the $200,000,000,000 per month that comes in - obama can't3. He will follow the constitution and ask congress for permission to go to war - unlike obama4. He will be 50 times better than O'bama because he was born in the USA5. He will restore hope in America unlike the lying O'bama6. He will repair America from the destruction of O'bama, Reid, Pelosi (9% unemployment)7. He will respect America and stop give an apoligy when he goes overseas (unlike obama)8. He will restore trust in America which O'bama has squandered9. He will take the boot off the neck of the golden goose that O'bama has placed there10. He will have a much better looking 1st lady.

MN Student
MN Student

For someone who seems to be plenty educated on the President one would think you would know how to spell his name. Obama. There is no '.

If Obama is acting unconstitutionally by his actions overseas then he should be impeached. Last I checked the House of Representatives was under Republican rule. Maybe they could start something?

If Obama wasn't born in the USA he would not have become President. If, and this is a big hypothetical, he is a native Kenyan then he should be impeached. Again the H.o.R. is under Republican control. This should be possible.

I see improving foreign relations and an improving economic situation in America. My faith is slowly being restored. I think many others would agree with me.

How does MN's unemployment look now compared to when Pawlenty took office? You want him to fix the nation's? Ok...

America invaded Iraq without just cause. I think that deserves an apology. We need the help of other countries.

America's trust was gone long before Obama took office. Just sayin'

When did First Lady become a reason to elect someone? This article is a farce. Don't use it to back your case.

Minnesota Voter
Minnesota Voter

Obama needs to be investigated for Close Friend and Presidential Advisor Immelt of GE who Obama gave enough tax credits to that GE made 14 Billion and paid no tax? What corruption in the obama administration.

We need to strip 50 Billion out of foreign Aid. We don't need anyone else.

America invaded Iraq under the blessing of congress which included Obama and biden. The kurds lost 100,000 to Hussein's slaughter. That was also a humanitarian effort. Get real - obama is nothing special. He is not that smart.

If the article is a farce when it draws attention to the corrupt criminal obama administration and as an American I will use whatever I want to back my case.

Alec Timmerman
Alec Timmerman

Corporate profits are up record levels. I wish Obama would put his boot on my neck just like he has the corporate world.

Minnesota Voter
Minnesota Voter

Alec: GE has 13 Billion profit and hardly pays any tax. Nice to have friends in the WH like O'bama. Just to think off all the wall street connections that O'bama was going to change. What change? The boots are on the small business owners that create the jobs - Try watching CNBC for a change instead of the daily huffington post.

Wi Voter: Ancient history, O'bama has been in office for overr 2 years and O'bama Policy has given us 9% unemployment. Where are the jobs? Time to sober up you drunken fool.

Jon: you obviously are a moron with a very limited IQ. Take your meds and go to sleep.

Malachat13
Malachat13

While it's true about GE, it's also true about numerous businesses linked to the right. Did you have this same issue when GWB was in office? Or Reagan? Or is it only when "O'bama" is in office that you suddenly become concerned about the tax burden of corporations?

Also, "O'bama Policy" didn't give us 9% unemployment; Bush doctrine ushered that in. As for where are the jobs, maybe you should ask John Boehner?

Minnesota Voter
Minnesota Voter

Wi Voter: First I was educated by the public school teachers in Wisconsin. Second, you stated I was "fooled by Crap" and "Read an unbiased news source (nothing "fair and balanced"), and "learn your history". All of which I take offense. You attacked me without knowing anything about me. O'bama spent 1 trillion dollars to keep unemployment from going over 8%. O'bama is a failed president. O'bama started a war in Libya without congressional approval. If he were still Senator O'bama he would have voted against himself and Biden would have called for his impeachment. His energy speech was the lamest I've ever heard. He is the weakest President ever and I mean I prefer that Jimmy Carter were back in office. As far as the economy, He has attacked Bush for the economy but will not take any responsibility for his failed policies. O'bama doesn't have an ouch of leadership. O'bama and his Pal at GE are corrupt and make the teapot tempest look like fixing a parking ticket.

WI Voter
WI Voter

Two years is in no way ancient history. The global economy is a very complex system that isn't transformed the very moment one politician steps into the presidential seat. Our economy is influenced by policies put forth fifty years ago as well as ten years ago as well as two years ago. Learn your history (ancient and otherwise.)Another thing, next time you accuse liberals of personally attacking people with different opinions and then call one who is attempting to have a dialogue with you a drunken fool, please use your spell checker and second-grade grammar manual so that you do not write like a drunken fool yourself. Just sayin'.

MnJoe
MnJoe

At least own what you think instead of lying and saying you are an independent. Not that it's hard to see through that lie, but still.

Minnesota Voter
Minnesota Voter

MnJoe: My uncle went to DC with HHH, my brother was the elected democrat sheriff of a very large county. I might be conservative but I never lie. That is the problem with you liberal's you don't like someone else's opinion you attack them personally. If you truly had a brain you would want the war mongering O'bama impeached.

Malachat13
Malachat13

...why are you so very confused about the proper uses of an apostrophe? I keep trying to see what it gains your political viewpoint to mis-use them, but at this point I don't understand why making "liberals" plural instead of possessive might matter, or whether I'm supposed to think "O'bama" wasn't born here because he's Irish?

WI Voter
WI Voter

Hey MN Voter - you're not going to get anywhere by spouting out that imprecise, ridiculous right-wing rhetoric. Politicians don't want you to think for yourself, they want you to regurgitate their buzzword bullshit. What the hell does "take the boot off the neck of the golden goose" even mean? Don't be fooled by that crap! Read an unbiased news source (nothing "fair and balanced"), learn your history (like how when Obama took office the economy was already bad), and use your brain when figuring out which candidate's actions (not just words) reflect your views.

jon
jon

This guy is likely an employee of a rightwing ad agency to make comments like this. We see right through you buddy! No American is that stupid.

Man.
Man.

This why you don't homeschool your kids.

Brutus
Brutus

And folks like you are the problem :)

Minnesota Voter
Minnesota Voter

Et U Brutus: No I voted for O'bama and am one of those independents everyone wants around election time. O'bama has surely let this nation down. Hopefully not for the count.

Brutus
Brutus

Based on your reply, I stand by my original statement. Thanks for playing.

vitajex
vitajex

#11:

Because then he wouldn't just be the president, he'd also be a client!

EDIT: Oops, I thought this was 10 reasons to elect Tim Pawlenty as president of the Hair Club for Men. I realize now you meant 10 reasons to elect Tim Pawlenty as president of the United States. So now, my question is:

How the hell did you come up with 10 reasons?

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