Someone is stealing Minnesota's pigs

Wikipedia

Pigs are either valuable loot, or crafty prisoners.

​If you see 750 short, fat, bald men with one tall friend trying to board a train, alert the police. Those aren't men: They're pigs!

Investigators are trying to track down 150 pigs that went missing from a southeast Minnesota farm on Friday, and are also curious if the pork theft is related to an even larger heist that took place in mid-August.

The most recent complaint of vanished pigs came from a farmer named Ryan Bode, whose operation is near the town of Lafayette, KARE 11 reports, while the original snatch-and-grab took place around Kandiyohi.

Investigators and farmers are insisting that these are "break-ins," while no one dares acknowledge the horrifying reality that they're actually "break-outs," and that an army of angry, super-smart pigs is about to storm the refrigerator section of a local grocery store, mauling everyone in their path.

There's actually a lot of money on the line for these farmers: The 150 stolen from Bode are valued at $30,000 -- or $200 per hog -- while the 590 taken from Kandiyohi could've sold for $100,000, according to KARE 11.

It seems that pig rustling would be quite lucrative, until you factor in the overhead of a bunch of semi trucks to actually move the things... and, you know, the smell.

Auction houses are being warned to look out for undocumented pigs that are up for sale -- also, shifty-eyed pigs who look like they've been up to something.

Anyone with information on these pig hostages should call the Nicollet County Sheriff's Department or the Kandiyohi County Sheriff's Department.

Bede-bede-bede, that's all, folks.