Chief Justice Lori Gildea: The Twin Cities is not "real Minnesota" [MAP]
|Lori Gildea is a powerful woman who just insulted you.|
Borrowing a page from Sarah "real Americans" Palin, Chief Justice Lori Gildea took the opportunity to insult the Twin Cities, flatter Brainerd, and embarrass herself.
Fortunately -- or, in Gildea's case, unfortunately -- a reporter for the Brainerd Dispatch was there and caught Gildea's odd assertion.
"I'm so happy to be in real Minnesota," Gildea said.
Okay, well, maybe Gildea was just coming down from an acid trip, and couldn't tell if she'd actually been in the state of her birth. Let's give her a chance to explain.
"Outside of the Twin Cities," Gildea clarified.
Objection, your honor!
Gildea, you see, is originally from a tiny town called Plummer in northwest Minnesota, which, because it is not in Minneapolis or St. Paul, is also part of "real Minnesota."
In fact, every part of Minnesota is real. Except the part with, like, the State Capitol, the professional sports teams, the enormous public university, the cool music scene, the nice restaurants and bars... none of that is real. Well, it's real, but it's not "Minnesota," you know?
|Pictured: A typical downtown scene in Minneapolis, Not Minnesota.|
Gildea's heart, you see, spends a lot of time in the Twin Cities. It is unclear what state the Twin Cities are actually in -- Gildea did not specify. As this story went to press, geographers were scrambling to remake maps of Minnesota, and the United States, to reflect the true location of Minneapolis and St. Paul.
Early speculation is that the Twin Cities lie in some sort of netherworld, a den of gay friend-having, bike-loving, Democrat-voting hipsters.
Did we mention that this woman is the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of the State of Minnesota? And that, as part of her job, she, like, lives, works, and rules on cases of serious importance to the cities of Minneapolis and St. Paul.
No, you're out of order! This whole court is out of order! Hoo-ahh, Chief Justice Gildea!
City Pages declares there are only two options for the Twin Cities: Recall Gildea... or secede from the state!
In the meantime, City Pages' Mike Kooiman has helpfully updated the map of this area, which can be found below.