Chris Kluwe coins "turdsloth" while defending Crossfit on Gawker
|Kluwe's interests include kicking the hell out of footballs, World of Warcraft... and trolling.|
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We know he loves World of Warcraft, but who could've guessed Vikings punter Chris Kluwe is such a Crossfit proponent?
Last Thursday, Gawker's Hamilton Nolan wrote a column critical of the Crossfit workout program for a variety of reasons -- for instance, "It is group exercise," "It is generalist," "It is too expensive," "Their pullups suck," "You will get injured," "The whole 'cult' thing," and "You can't trademark working out, you fuckers." Kluwe, apparently sitting around bored in a Mankato dorm room during Vikings training camp, spent a few minutes that evening putting together a colorful and linguistically original reply.
Posting under the name of "Loate," here's what Kluwe had to say:
|Kluwe was replying to Gawker's Hamilton Nolan, who wrote: "Crossfit is a very, very good workout thing. That said, fuck Crossfit."|
Non troll portion of post - As a currently active NFL player (albeit "just" a punter), I can honestly say what you get out of any workout is what you're willing to put into it. Crossfit is an excellent full body workout. It gets you in pretty good aerobic shape (although it could use more running, but that's a personal preference) and it's more strenuous than most of our in-season weightlifts.It didn't take long for Gawker readers to infer that the "currently active NFL player" in their midst is Chris Kluwe -- an inference later confirmed by Kluwe himself, who wrote to Deadspin: "Yeah that was me, gave me something to do during my spare time in the dorms last night :p"
Troll portion of post.
1. Holy fuck, get over yourself. If you're that narcissistic that everything has to be "you you you" then get a fucking 2 pound pink dumbbell and go do bicep curls in front of a mirror for three hours. You can get just as much work done in a group as you can individually IF YOU'RE WILLING TO NOT DICK AROUND JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE ISN'T WATCHING YOU. Fucking slacker.
2. So being in shape doesn't count as a goal? Fuck off and die in a car fire. Not everyone wants to be an Olympic body-builder, a professional athlete, or a yodeling ass flexer. Some people just want to look good when they go out for a night on the town, or perhaps they don't want to be part of the largest obesity trend in America. You know what saves on health insurance? Not being a lazy fuck that never works out and eats Twinkies all day and then complains about Crossfit.
3. Try not ordering the jumbo colon-blow size soda four times a week or hammering down $10 beers and watch the money roll in. Or fuck, I don't know, consider it an investment against NOT developing diabetes and raging bedsores because you can't lift your grotesquely overweight carcass from your bedside at 45 years old. Or just do the fucking workouts in a junglegym, half of them don't require any equipment you turdsloth.
4. THEIR PULLUPS ARE TOTAL HORSESHIT. Those are not pullups. Strict pullups are pullups, fish flopping kipping garbage is some sort of midair sexual gyrating that should be banned in all 50 states. (quick note, 95% of NFL players can, in fact, do 21 pullups, we use multiple sets of 12 as part of our normal lifts)
5. You will get injured IF YOU'RE A MOUTHBREATHING FUCKWIT THAT IGNORES SAFETY WHEN YOU LIFT. Do the reps right and you won't have a problem. Oh that's right, paying attention to the weight is fucking hard when you're worried about slipping on the rapidly expanding drool pile at your feet.
6. Yeah, there's some creepy people. Go lift at a different time, most of them workout at 5 a.m. anyways because they're creepy.
7. Sure you can, ask the advertising assholes at Gatorade and Nike. Just do it.
Responses to Kluwe's comment span the gamut, from "My new favorite word [is] 'Turdsloth" to "This is what the internet was created for" to "your brocabulary and writing style make it clear you are not Zoltán Meskó."
Brocabulary? Turdsloth? Forget Kluwe's enthusiasm for Crossfit -- who knew the cutting edge of the English language can be found at Gawker?