Chris Kluwe counters Onion jab with satirical Twitter rant

Categories: Chris Kluwe

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We're not sure who Raptor Jesus is, but we'd prefer our mothers' nipple hair remains intact.
The Onion didn't waste any time this week in ribbing Chris Kluwe. Only a day after the Vikings announced they were dropping their punter, the sports sections of the comedic newspaper published an article satirizing Kluwe's writings as an advocate for equality in sports.

In the article, Onion-world Kluwe is now crusading for the rights of cut punters, and has authored an impassioned op/ed on the subject, "noting that such rejected special teams personnel routinely face discrimination from football organizations that won't allow them into the locker room, don't invite them to practices, and refuse to sign them to contract extensions."

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Kluwe being Kluwe, he quickly responded by writing his own version of a satirical article about himself in a series of tweets. In case you missed, here it is from the beginning.

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40 comments
Joe Duggan
Joe Duggan

hahahahahaha his response is fuckin great

Vic Sacramento
Vic Sacramento

Holy Hell you're an ass..go back to downloading Asian teen porn, creepazoid.

Jeff Skinner
Jeff Skinner

Life expectancy is a number.. I.Q. is a number.. when referring to both.. they ARE numberrrrzzzz (plural, which means more than one). Proof positive that your I.Q. just entered the teens. With that said.. I'll take shit for brains.. It's more useful than the single amoeba floating in your cranium.

Cady Eddy
Cady Eddy

Lol. I think this is hilarious!! Chris is know for his colorful phrases, and I am glad he didn't disappoint in his twitter self satire. I wonder if he's thought of writing poetry...or plays??

Michael Ordonez
Michael Ordonez

how many articles is the city pages going to do on Kluwe?

Ross Levine
Ross Levine

Onion article was more amusing...also use of Twitter to produce counter satire, while mildly amusing, was also mildly annoying. Can we just....stop this entire story now? I think the horse has been aptly drained of all sustenance and properly beaten.

Vic Sacramento
Vic Sacramento

Ahh..I have to leave because I disagree that vulgarity by an NFL player is in appropriate? I never knew it was allowed if used as satire. Huh, what do ya know, learn something everyday. I thought this baby Jesus was a bigger and smarter man than to stoop to playground vocalbulary. Hey just out of curiosity, how come a show like Saturday Night Live (Which operates fully on satire)doesn't revert to profanity? It's satire right? Jeff..YOU google, the NFL's Code Of Conduct, and by the way..I.Q. Clarification is "A" number, not numberrrrrrzzzzz, shit for brains. Pull your lips over head and swallow, seriously..it's really cool maaaaaannn.

Jeff Skinner
Jeff Skinner

It's satire, David.. SATIRE. Google the meaning. Kluwe wrote his OWN satire about himself in response to The Onion's satire article written about him.. and it was pretty good. They should post it. Please do everyone online a favor.. LEAVE THE INTERNET! Your life expectancy and I.Q. numbers just passed each other going in opposite directions.

Taylor Johnson
Taylor Johnson

seriously. who cares what chris kluwe's opinion is about ANYTHING. I like that he supports gay rights. but hes a KICKER for the VIKINGS. seriously. I would hold a Toll booth operators opinion in higher regard.

Jay Virzi
Jay Virzi

Replacing yesterdays winner of the internet (yes, the whole damn thing) Charles Ramsey (see Ohio kidnapping hero) is today's winner of the internet (yes, still the whole damn thing), Chris Kluwe!!!

mnanimator
mnanimator

Snot-feltching turkeyshits. Too awesome.

zawmer
zawmer

Awesome! I am truly going to miss being able to call Chris Kluwe a Minnesota Viking, even though I'm not a football fan! (Also, I'm shocked that so many commenters here don't get that he's just playing around. Even though he makes it REALLY CLEAR.)

Vic Sacramento
Vic Sacramento

Uh-huh, do you even understand the NFL's Code Of Conduct?

Heather Jo
Heather Jo

get a sense of humor. do you even understand the Onion is satire?

k2yeb
k2yeb topcommenter

I think one's true colors eventually come out, even if they fight for the rainbow.  Its one thing to do right, its another to stand on a pedistal and shout that you are doing that.

Vic Sacramento
Vic Sacramento

What is the attraction to the self-righteous? If he were an adult he never would have responded to the Onion, of all things,with such vulgarity. He's a little man child who HATES anybody that disagrees with or isn't interested in what he has to say. Awwww, what a nice fella, I'm all fuzzy inside. His hatered is the only one allowed. xoxo

Vic Sacramento
Vic Sacramento

What is the attraction to the self-righteous? If he were an adult he never would have responded to the Onion, of all things,with such vulgarity. He's a little man child who HATES anybody that disagrees with or isn't interested in what he has to say. Awwww, what a nice fella, I'm all fuzzy inside. His hatered is the only one allowed. xoxo

Vic Sacramento
Vic Sacramento

There is always cursing on the playing field of any sport. They don't do it in print or on video without being fined. Get a clue.

Abe Bo Berin
Abe Bo Berin

This is another reason I'm sad to see him go. Man crush complete.

Bob Alberti
Bob Alberti

Hahah, yeah, because the NFL is all about polite language. That's why the TV broadcasters have to pixellate the coaches mouths.

Doug McGraw
Doug McGraw

Kluwe is a douche, what a terrible response

Randi Winter
Randi Winter

Put one down for ChrisWarcraft. Burn! LOL

Dee Finkelson
Dee Finkelson

can we just focus to play football n bring the trophy now? Skol Vikes !!

Vic Sacramento
Vic Sacramento

Class act, hope the NFL fines the hell outta him for the vulgar language that violates their conduct policy. He truly is an untouchable prophet

swmnguy
swmnguy topcommenter

Awesome.  Simply Awesome.  Chris Kluwe has now permanently Won the Internets.  He's better at satirizing himself than even The Onion.

His career in the NFL may be over, or it may just be on the declining slope.  That doesn't matter.  He's such a smart guy, he'll do fine in the remaining 66% of his life.  Best wishes to Chris Kluwe; not that he needs them.  He's already made more of an NFL career than almost anybody else.

k2yeb
k2yeb topcommenter

Ross you are 100% right. The best thing that ever happened to Kluwe was to have someone dare challenge his principles or intelligence. This dude, even when right like gay rights, comes off as a douche that wants to be an "celebrity advocate" rather than try to actually gain support from non supporters.

swmnguy
swmnguy topcommenter

@mnanimator Yeah, I don't even know what that means, but now I'm going to have scary dreams.  Punctuated by giggling.

throck
throck

What does his former employer's code of conduct have to do with this satire bit? Obsessed with rules and hierarchical structures a bit Mr. Shrute?

swmnguy
swmnguy topcommenter

@David Olson Does anybody understand, or comply with, the NFL's Code of Conduct?  On a scale from foot-fetish videos to shooting your pregnant girlfriend, with The Love Boat somewhere in between, where does Chris Kluwe's scatalogical wit rate?

skywalker
skywalker

@David Olson He wrote a funny article. About himself. Nothing self-righteous about that.

DjDrTaylor
DjDrTaylor

@David Olson Well I saw you use a curse word, Do you hold other people to a higher standard then yourself? What is your point and does it matter?  To me you are sounding pretty self-righteous.  The curse words he used are only offensive if you allow them to be.  After all Fornication Under Certification King or Ship High In Transit are only the long forms of those words.  So take an Aerial Intercourse at a Revolving Pastry.  

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