December 2003

The Year the FTC Stole Christmas

Filed under: American Idle

(CNN) -- Embattled domestic diva Martha Stewart predicted this Christmas would be "the saddest holiday ever," and ruminated on her legal woes, whether she will remarry and her wealth, during an interview to be aired Monday night on CNN's "Larry King Live."

Posted by Corey Anderson at December 24, 2003 12:08 PM

Martha Stewart Christmas Special

Filed under: American Idle

Posted by Corey Anderson at December 23, 2003 5:01 PM

Keiko on Ice

Filed under: American Idle

It was reported recently that famed Disney actor Keiko, star of the successful "Free Willy" trilogy, died off the coast of Norway after 27 years of hard livin' and hard swimmin'. In the grand circle of life here on earth, under normal circumstances, Keiko would have immediately become an underwater Old Country Buffet for his North Atlantic pals. But, no, Keiko was buried near the fjord that was his home for the last year of his life. He was buried. A whale. A WHALE WAS BURIED. And given a modest funeral. But let's get back to the concept of burying a whale. Largest mammal in the world. Caretakers and locals dug a 30-foot long, 15-foot-deep grave. FOR A DEAD WHALE!

"Hey, Lars!"

"Ja."

"What're ya doin' this afternoon?"

"Not much - why d'ya ask?"

"Was wonderin' if you'd like to help me dig a grave ... for a whale."

"You mean a grave, for like a real fat person, like Rosie O'Donnell, or Marlon Brando? Did Marlon Brando die in Norway?"

"No, I mean a real whale."

"You're digging a grave for a real whale."

"Yeah, Keiko, that movie star whale."

"You mean, like Flipper?"

"Well, in the sense that they were both celebrities of the oceanic persuasion, yes, like Flipper. I'll admit, I find the subtleties of the performances by Keiko trump the slap-sticky, ham-bone performances of Flipper. I mean that was Chuck Connors' movie from the first reel and he never really let go."

"Agreed. But you want me to bury a whale?"

"It's December in Norway - what else do you have to do?"

"You got me there. Let's stop by my place so I can get a shovel. And provisions for a week."

It was reported Keiko was buried in an undisclosed location, most likely so greed-hounds couldn't find him, hack him up, and sell him off bit by bit on eBay. "Son, what's that on your living room wall? It looks like a smelly rotting tail fin." "Mom, may I introduce to you the rudder of screen legend Keiko. Watch your step, I've put down some newspapers."

The funeral FOR A 6-TON WHALE, was apparently attended by three caretakers and four locals. Michael Eisner was notable in his absence.

Posted by Corey Anderson at December 23, 2003 1:17 PM

Grandma, is that you?

Filed under: American Idle

Posted by Corey Anderson at December 23, 2003 1:16 PM

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