2004 New Year's Resolutions

by Corey L. Anderson

Stop ending sentences with "motherfucker"

Stop drying my hands on the cat

Get through a whole episode of "Charmed" without succumbing

Same with "Oz"

Just try orange juice without the champagne, just once for God's sake

Stop recording phone conversations with my grandmother in hopes of getting something I can use

Quit mumbling "God Almighty, we're not gonna make it" over and over every time I'm in an elevator

Get that thing checked - it's not getting any smaller

Just give up on Uma and move on

Accept my hairy ass as another example of God's fingerprints

Nod more, so people think I'm listening to them

Drink bourbon at work only when it's absolutely necessary

Understand restraining orders are for my protection as well

Stop trying to weld wood

Never ask Jack White if that's all he's got... again

Use puppets sparingly during weekly meetings

Throw away socks before they get furry

Cry in my car, but not while driving on the interstate

Stop using peanut butter to glue things together

No more Klingon jokes around Mom, she just doesn't get them

Stop telling dumb people they're dumb, it's one of the few things they actually know

Realizing that kissing someone's picture doesn't mean we're engaged

Barking should only be used when there's simply no other way to get my point across

Stop yelling "Boring!" during the opening credits of every movie I go to

Stop showing people my queen-sized crib, it just raises more questions than it answers