A 2003 Index (Not a List)

2003 in TV

Funniest show on pay TV: Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO)

Funniest show on cable TV: Most Extreme Elimination Challenge (Spike)

Funniest show on network TV: 7th Heaven (WB)

Best commercial (US): Southwest Airlines "Wanna Get Away" series

Best commercial (UK): Honda Accord "Cog"

Most-improved cable channel: Bravo - "Queer Eye," James Lipton, "West Wing" reruns, celebrity poker tournaments - the high-brow network arches the other brow.

Numbers of seasons before "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" loses its luster: 1.5

Number of seasons before its network overhypes it, thereby burning it out too soon: 1

Number of commercials for the Charlie Sheen vehicle "Two and a Half Men" that featured co-star Jon Cryer (the other "Man") saying absolutely anything: 0

Number of minutes of "The Sharon Osbourne Show" I can watch before placing a firearm to my temple: 4.5

Success rate percentage of the CBS-developed "fat guy/hot wife" sitcom formula: 72

Precentage of viewers not interested in "feeling this" from Kid Rock's NFL/Coors Light ads: 88

2003 in MOVIES

Percentage of people who saw "Identity" that also wished Jake Busey was a figment of their imagination: 87

Percentage "Mona Lisa Smile" could have been improved by including a sleep-over pillow fight: 38

Percentage of "Seabiscuit" viewers that pretended to like it, even though they could give a shit about horse racing: 72

Percentage of "In the Cut" viewers saddened to discover America's Sweetheart Meg Ryan has fried-egg tits: 94

How much the United States paid to see Angelina Jolie in wet scuba gear: $65.7 million

Odds that William Safire would refer to the "Matrix" movies as "Matrices": 50-50

Odds that William Safire would ever mention the "Matrix" trilogy: 240,000-1

The Lord of the Rings trilogy in order of greatness: Fellowship: 2, Towers: 1, King: 3

While most critics have crowned "The Return of the King" the best of the series (no horrific pun intended), I had some issues with the final installment of Peter Jackson's otherwise amazing series. Most trilogies falter in the middle, between a vigorous opening and a rousing finale. The problem with LOTR was that "The Two Towers" was an engaging, powerful movie, not just the glue that held the ends together. The third installment was left with "let's have one more big human/orc battle and Frodo tossing the ring in Mount Doom," something even people who hadn't read the books knew was going to happen. Majors issues included the menacing flaming eye of Sauron from "The Two Towers" turning into a Middle Earth lighthouse, flashing back and forth, culminating in a "What the hey!" double-take when Frodo hits the convenient side entrance to Mount Doom and pops the ring on one last time, Orlando Bloom's Legolas being given about four lines of dialogue, and Viggo Mortensen singing! Not that he's a bad singer, it's just that he's singing! Those issues and the fact that the ending dragged on longer than any human bladder could handle, keep "The Return of the King" from being the best of the three. Oh, and the part where Gandalf crowns Aragorn looks alot like the end of "Star Wars." I was waiting for Chewbacca to get his little necklace too. And then eat Sam.