January 2004

Internal Government Memo on Kitty Spank Pictures and Their Prevalence on the Internet

Filed under: American Idle

Office of the Attorney General, John Ashcroft
Memo 284,599 from J. Ashcroft
TO: K. Rove
CC: D. Cheney, A. Card, J. Falwell, P. Robertson, R. Novak
BCC: A. Coulter, P. Hilton
Re: Documents R4-M8392 to R4-M8395

The document laid before me by my houseboy, Pepe, last week is one that will haunt my dreams for years to come. Three nights of warm milk cut with a little Old Grand Dad cannot quell the inner turmoil of what I must show you. Our children, your children, America's children, God's children can view these sordid images on the information superhighway with a mere click of the clicker thing. If you haven't viewed Document R4-M8392 yet, I ask that you take a moment, stir up your courage, say a prayer to sweet Jesus and open your eyes slowly, possibly one at a time, and then maybe kind of squinty, so it's still a little blurry. The image before you is of two of God's creatures, pure and innocent (still going to hell because they are not baptized, of course) small kitties (long dead and currently in hell, judging by the age and the content of the photograph) posed in a compromising position.

If you're through vomiting in your waste basket, as I most surely did upon viewing these pornographic visuals, I can vividly describe their contents. The young kitten on the left, most likely what's called a "butch" lesbian, we'll call her Butch for simplicity's sake, is, to most eyes, beating the rug with a wooden stick; a stick similar to the stick my own father, "Wichita Chuck" Ashcroft would use on me as a child, whenever I appeared to be thinking an impure thought, or attempting to look down the blouse of Mrs. Baumgartner, my third grade Sunday School teacher. The kitten on the right, possessing what "Wichita Chuck" would call "whorin' eyes," or a "come-hither" look, appears to be either an effeminate male kitten, or what I've heard called a "lipstick lesbian" in an information superhighway chat room I visit to uncover deviant sexual behavior in our nation's high schools. While he or she, we can call he/she Leslie, for its ease and for its bi-gender properties as a name, appears to be coaxing Butch to pound and pound and pound away at the rug. Those of you who took physics in technical college know that when Butch hits the rug with "Wichita Chuck's" healin' stick, the vibrations begin a wave-after-wave ripple effect that massages Leslie's posterior area (whichever gender) over and over, causing the nether regions to shake rhythmically and dramatically. Whether Leslie can or does achieve a climactic sexual experience from Butch's deviant machinations, I can only shudder in wonder. I have enlisted four deputies and thirteen interns to investigate the specific climactic properties of feline copulation and expect their report by mid-June.

Until then, I look to you all for strength and guidance on this harrowing subject. It is my intention to speak to congressional representatives in hopes of stripping the information superhighway of animal husbandry fetishism documentation of all stripes. I await your response.

Yours in Christ,
John Ashcroft

Posted by Corey Anderson at January 27, 2004 10:01 PM

The Dems Go Hollywood (Part II)

Filed under: American Idle

Salon.com recently investigated the internet rumor that presidential candidate Howard Dean had a bit part in the 1984 movie "Ninja III: The Domination," about "a beautiful '80s aerobics practitioner possessed by the spirit of a ninja slain on a golf course." Democratic field offices quickly fired off press releases about their own candidate's brushes with Hollywood fame. The first three releases were shown yesterday, the rest are posted below.

Joseph Lieberman for President 2004, Press Release 01/16/04 -- We all knew, way back when, Li'l Joey Lieberman was destined for great things! He's too modest to admit it, but when he was just a lad he was quite a thespian. His most notable performance (including singing!) was as a representative for the Lollipop Guild in "The Wizard of Oz." Even then he was acting on his constituents' behalf! Of course, giving a big sucker to Miss Judy, as he calls his "Oz" costar, Judy Garland, around the campaign office, was his enormous honor and pleasure!

Al Sharpton for America, Press Release 1/20/04 -- "Elizabeth, I'm comin' to join ya!" Boy, how many times did Demond Wilson have to hear that over the course of the five years "Sanford and Son" enjoyed success on television and in American's hearts? Well, Demond has the next president of the United States, Al Sharpton, to thank for quitting the role of Lamont, Fred Sanford's beleaguered son, after shooting the pilot episode. Sitting through rehearsal after rehearsal with Redd Foxx and that woman who played Aunt Esther is what drove Al to the Lord.

Richard Gephardt 2004, Press Release 1/18/04 -- Only one [former] candidate in this race has [had] what it takes [took] to lead our nation during these troubled times. It's experience that came from starring as Los Angeles police officer Pete Malloy from 1968 to 1975 on "Adam 12," that one cop show everyone thinks they remember, but are really thinking of Emergency!

Last, and least, from Dennis Kucinich's mom -- Dear American Idle, Little Denny has always been a very nice boy, but back in the late 1960s he became a big soap opera star on "Dark Shadows," playing the satanic vampire Barnabas Collins, a not-so-very nice gentleman indeed. I usually missed it because it was on during "One Life to Live," but I hear my young man was quite a scary fellow!

Still is, Mrs. Kucinich, still is!

Posted by Corey Anderson at January 20, 2004 10:06 PM

The Dems Go Hollywood (Part I)

Filed under: American Idle

Salon.com recently investigated the internet rumor that presidential candidate Howard Dean had a bit part in the 1984 movie "Ninja III: The Domination," about "a beautiful '80s aerobics practitioner possessed by the spirit of a ninja slain on a golf course." Dean denies he played the bit part of a policeman thrown from a helicopter in the scene directly following the one shown above, but that hasn't stopped the desperate calvalcade of Democratic presidential contenders from trying to score some points of their own. Field offices quickly fired off press releases about their candidates own brushes with Hollywood fame. The first three releases are shown below, the rest will be posted tomorrow.

John Kerry for President Campaign, Press Release 01/14/04 -- John Kerry as president will capture your imagination and your heart, just as he did playing that wise old tree herder Treebeard in "Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers." He would have gathered a coalition, just like the ents, before deciding to go to war with the Sauron of our time, Saddam Hussein!

Wesley Clark in '04, Press Release 01/17/04 -- Not only did Wesley Clark fight valiantly in Vietnam during the turbulent 60s, he threw himself into a little international espionage - an espionage of laughs! Yes, he had to shave his head twice a week, but I think we all recall our future Commander in Chief as "Chief" on "Get Smart!"

John Edwards for President, Campaign HQ Press Release 01/18/04 -- Anyone who knows this good ol' boy knows he's about good old-fashioned small-town, hillbilly values. What you may not know is that John and his twin brother, Skeeter, used to perform heart-rending hymns and boot-stompin' country music back in the 1970s as the Hager Brothers! Those two country cutie-pies from Hee Haw in their matching overalls could touch your heart with a beloved mountain spiritual, that is, when they weren't eating Lulu's cherry pie off the window sill! On a sad note, John and Skeeter were replaced on "Hee Haw" in 1975 with another set of twins when Skeeter had one too many gulps of Grandpa Jones' 'shine and got caught in the cornfield with a Hee Haw honey. It was rumored the Gospel Quartet took him "hunting" one day and no one heard from Skeeter again. Let's win this one fer Skeeter!

More Democratic candidate press releases tomorrow!

Posted by Corey Anderson at January 19, 2004 11:31 PM

Fashion Trend for 2004

Filed under: American Idle

If it were up to those fashionistas in Hollywood, friends, Mr. Richard Gephardt better get his good suit back from the cleaners, cuz he's going all the way, baby! With Charlize Theron's striking turn as crazy serial-killin' hooker Aileen Wournos in "Monster," and art-house cupie Scarlett Johansson's coquettish Griet in "Girl With a Pearl Earring," 2004 is officially "The Year of No Eyebrows!" Whoopi Goldberg's efforts have paid off and the congressman from Missouri is in position to take advantage of the trend. Congratulations, Dick!

Posted by Corey Anderson at January 16, 2004 9:12 AM

Not-So-Iron-Mike

Filed under: American Idle

Don't want to know, don't want to know, don't want to know about Mike Ditka and his problems with boners. If you were watching the playoffs last weekend you would have been bombarded with new-and-improved Don Cheadle NFL commercials, pro-hemi propaganda, and Mike Ditka hawking Levitra, the new pill designed to assist 64-year-old former head coaches with their sleepy trouser snakes. I would prefer to know nothing about Mike Ditka's genitals. I'd prefer to not even know he had genitals, much less their rope-like fortitude when faced with the likes of Mrs. Mike.

Okay, so I give the man credit - he's got some wee-wee issues and he's made the decision to go to his doctor and discuss it. Not an easy thing to do. What I want to know is how a late evening in the Ditka household, a not-so-iron Mike sitting on the edge of the bed, staring blankly at his paint-by-number of George Halas, with Mrs. Mike gently caressing his shoulder, becomes a nationwide televised boner pill campaign? Was he sitting around the athletic club with his agent having a casual conversation about his boudoir issues, when his agent suddenly hops on the phone with Bayer Pharmaceuticals? Maybe the NFL Alumni association has a careers/endorsements office? "If you've got corns or foot calluses, arthritis in your throwing arm, or erectile dysfunction, please see Enid in the Careers Office. Thank you."

No one can dispute Ditka's bravery for starring in the campaign, given the fact that sensitivity training at the NFL isn't slated to start until 2046. Lots of jabs and jibes heading Mike's way, I'll bet, followed by clandestine encounters in the supply closet, behind the toner cartridges and reams of 11x17, with the likes of Dick Stockton and Pat Summerall, looking to "get back in the game." Mike could be busier than Rush Limbaugh's housekeeper in a room full of Rush!

Now wait just a goddamn minute, you could be saying to yourself - just because Mike's pitching Levitra, doesn't necessarily mean he's got wiener worries! Agreed - celebrities pitch products they don't use all the time. Products they don't even like or believe in. I find it hard to believe that these personal products aren't being pitched by true believers. That doesn't mean I still can't get the willies when ancient Yankees bench coach Don Zimmer is crying on my screen about his throbbing anus! Also, with these sensitive male issues, drug companies know they need some serious Type A macho guys pitching this stuff - Nathan Lane belting out an erectile aria won't send the average NFL patron racing into the doctor's office to share their bedtime woes.

Of course, none of these commercials are as enjoyable as the tampon commercial where this couple is on a date, rowing a little boat in a stream. The boat springs a leak and the girlfriend jams a tampon into the hole to seal it. Ackward conversation ensues as the growing tampon slowly envelopes the boat, drowning the couple. Or something like that.

Posted by Corey Anderson at January 13, 2004 5:53 PM

A 2003 Index (Not a List)

Filed under: American Idle

2003 in TV

Funniest show on pay TV: Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO)

Funniest show on cable TV: Most Extreme Elimination Challenge (Spike)

Funniest show on network TV: 7th Heaven (WB)

Best commercial (US): Southwest Airlines "Wanna Get Away" series

Best commercial (UK): Honda Accord "Cog"

Most-improved cable channel: Bravo - "Queer Eye," James Lipton, "West Wing" reruns, celebrity poker tournaments - the high-brow network arches the other brow.

Numbers of seasons before "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" loses its luster: 1.5

Number of seasons before its network overhypes it, thereby burning it out too soon: 1

Number of commercials for the Charlie Sheen vehicle "Two and a Half Men" that featured co-star Jon Cryer (the other "Man") saying absolutely anything: 0

Number of minutes of "The Sharon Osbourne Show" I can watch before placing a firearm to my temple: 4.5

Success rate percentage of the CBS-developed "fat guy/hot wife" sitcom formula: 72

Precentage of viewers not interested in "feeling this" from Kid Rock's NFL/Coors Light ads: 88

2003 in MOVIES

Percentage of people who saw "Identity" that also wished Jake Busey was a figment of their imagination: 87

Percentage "Mona Lisa Smile" could have been improved by including a sleep-over pillow fight: 38

Percentage of "Seabiscuit" viewers that pretended to like it, even though they could give a shit about horse racing: 72

Percentage of "In the Cut" viewers saddened to discover America's Sweetheart Meg Ryan has fried-egg tits: 94

How much the United States paid to see Angelina Jolie in wet scuba gear: $65.7 million

Odds that William Safire would refer to the "Matrix" movies as "Matrices": 50-50

Odds that William Safire would ever mention the "Matrix" trilogy: 240,000-1

The Lord of the Rings trilogy in order of greatness: Fellowship: 2, Towers: 1, King: 3

While most critics have crowned "The Return of the King" the best of the series (no horrific pun intended), I had some issues with the final installment of Peter Jackson's otherwise amazing series. Most trilogies falter in the middle, between a vigorous opening and a rousing finale. The problem with LOTR was that "The Two Towers" was an engaging, powerful movie, not just the glue that held the ends together. The third installment was left with "let's have one more big human/orc battle and Frodo tossing the ring in Mount Doom," something even people who hadn't read the books knew was going to happen. Majors issues included the menacing flaming eye of Sauron from "The Two Towers" turning into a Middle Earth lighthouse, flashing back and forth, culminating in a "What the hey!" double-take when Frodo hits the convenient side entrance to Mount Doom and pops the ring on one last time, Orlando Bloom's Legolas being given about four lines of dialogue, and Viggo Mortensen singing! Not that he's a bad singer, it's just that he's singing! Those issues and the fact that the ending dragged on longer than any human bladder could handle, keep "The Return of the King" from being the best of the three. Oh, and the part where Gandalf crowns Aragorn looks alot like the end of "Star Wars." I was waiting for Chewbacca to get his little necklace too. And then eat Sam.

Posted by Corey Anderson at January 6, 2004 3:33 PM

Aragorn: All My Best

Filed under: American Idle

Posted by Corey Anderson at January 5, 2004 9:12 AM

2004 New Year's Resolutions

Filed under: American Idle

by Corey L. Anderson

Stop ending sentences with "motherfucker"

Stop drying my hands on the cat

Get through a whole episode of "Charmed" without succumbing

Same with "Oz"

Just try orange juice without the champagne, just once for God's sake

Stop recording phone conversations with my grandmother in hopes of getting something I can use

Quit mumbling "God Almighty, we're not gonna make it" over and over every time I'm in an elevator

Get that thing checked - it's not getting any smaller

Just give up on Uma and move on

Accept my hairy ass as another example of God's fingerprints

Nod more, so people think I'm listening to them

Drink bourbon at work only when it's absolutely necessary

Understand restraining orders are for my protection as well

Stop trying to weld wood

Never ask Jack White if that's all he's got... again

Use puppets sparingly during weekly meetings

Throw away socks before they get furry

Cry in my car, but not while driving on the interstate

Stop using peanut butter to glue things together

No more Klingon jokes around Mom, she just doesn't get them

Stop telling dumb people they're dumb, it's one of the few things they actually know

Realizing that kissing someone's picture doesn't mean we're engaged

Barking should only be used when there's simply no other way to get my point across

Stop yelling "Boring!" during the opening credits of every movie I go to

Stop showing people my queen-sized crib, it just raises more questions than it answers

Posted by Corey Anderson at January 4, 2004 1:38 PM

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