Not-So-Iron-Mike

Don't want to know, don't want to know, don't want to know about Mike Ditka and his problems with boners. If you were watching the playoffs last weekend you would have been bombarded with new-and-improved Don Cheadle NFL commercials, pro-hemi propaganda, and Mike Ditka hawking Levitra, the new pill designed to assist 64-year-old former head coaches with their sleepy trouser snakes. I would prefer to know nothing about Mike Ditka's genitals. I'd prefer to not even know he had genitals, much less their rope-like fortitude when faced with the likes of Mrs. Mike.

Okay, so I give the man credit - he's got some wee-wee issues and he's made the decision to go to his doctor and discuss it. Not an easy thing to do. What I want to know is how a late evening in the Ditka household, a not-so-iron Mike sitting on the edge of the bed, staring blankly at his paint-by-number of George Halas, with Mrs. Mike gently caressing his shoulder, becomes a nationwide televised boner pill campaign? Was he sitting around the athletic club with his agent having a casual conversation about his boudoir issues, when his agent suddenly hops on the phone with Bayer Pharmaceuticals? Maybe the NFL Alumni association has a careers/endorsements office? "If you've got corns or foot calluses, arthritis in your throwing arm, or erectile dysfunction, please see Enid in the Careers Office. Thank you."

No one can dispute Ditka's bravery for starring in the campaign, given the fact that sensitivity training at the NFL isn't slated to start until 2046. Lots of jabs and jibes heading Mike's way, I'll bet, followed by clandestine encounters in the supply closet, behind the toner cartridges and reams of 11x17, with the likes of Dick Stockton and Pat Summerall, looking to "get back in the game." Mike could be busier than Rush Limbaugh's housekeeper in a room full of Rush!

Now wait just a goddamn minute, you could be saying to yourself - just because Mike's pitching Levitra, doesn't necessarily mean he's got wiener worries! Agreed - celebrities pitch products they don't use all the time. Products they don't even like or believe in. I find it hard to believe that these personal products aren't being pitched by true believers. That doesn't mean I still can't get the willies when ancient Yankees bench coach Don Zimmer is crying on my screen about his throbbing anus! Also, with these sensitive male issues, drug companies know they need some serious Type A macho guys pitching this stuff - Nathan Lane belting out an erectile aria won't send the average NFL patron racing into the doctor's office to share their bedtime woes.

Of course, none of these commercials are as enjoyable as the tampon commercial where this couple is on a date, rowing a little boat in a stream. The boat springs a leak and the girlfriend jams a tampon into the hole to seal it. Ackward conversation ensues as the growing tampon slowly envelopes the boat, drowning the couple. Or something like that.