February 2004

The Return of the Mystic Monster Translation

Filed under: American Idle

February 29 is that magical day that comes but once every four years (insert old girlfriend joke here). This year it's made even more magical by the Academy Awards! Who's wearing who? Who's banging who? Why does Melissa Rivers look older than Joan Rivers? Who will get the most applause during the Dead Guy Roll Call (Bob Hope, Katherine Hepburn and Gregory Peck should leave everyone else eating their dust to dust).

Allow me to put on my prognosticating hat and tick off the winners.

Best Actor
Sean Penn. Spicoli, I believe that's your Oscar being delivered to homeroom! One of the three or four guys his age called the Best Actor of His Generation (along with Robert Downey Jr., Daniel Day Lewis, and that's about it), the crotchety, cussy, chain-smoking Mr. Penn will likely score the Oscar that he maybe should have gotten for Dead Man Walking, for crying and yelling and sitting next to Tim Robbins in Mystic River. Sad clown Bill Murray is his closest competitor, building up a credible resume with Cradle Will Rock, Rushmore and The Royal Tenenbaums, but, unfortunately, he makes people laugh in Lost in Translation, which the Academy frowns upon. Johnny Depp made people laugh in Pirates of the Caribbean, which eliminates him from contention. I thought making movies from video games was bad enough, but making a movie from a theme park ride? At least it was good, but I'm not holding my breath for that laugh-fest coming to screens this fall, the Rob Schneider-Kevin Nealon knee-slapper Tilt-A-Whirl!: "You'll throw up in your seat ... for the right reason!" Anyway, Jude Law won't win because no one saw Cold Mountain. Ben Kingsley is nominated for the House of Sand and Fog, which is about some sort of real estate dispute, I think a property easement or something. Heard it was a downer, plus he got one for Gandhi.
Possible Upset: Johnny Depp - he scored the SAG Award last weekend, the same voting block that picks the Best Actor Oscar

Best Actress
Charlize Theron. Hollywood rewards actors who play three things: ugly, retarded, or disabled. The list of actors grabbing the gold for being one or a combination of the above attributes is too long to list here. Why? Because nothing is more repulsive to the Hollywood Establishment than not being pretty. Hollywood cringes at uglies, tards, and crips, and when one actually lowers themselves into those worlds, under gobs of prosthetic make-up, unfashionable clothing, no hair gel, and maybe even some drool in the corners of their mouths, such bravery cannot be ignored. Nicole Kidman's disgustingly enormous nose was enough to earn her last year's prize in this category. Yeah, yeah, Charlize was pretty good, but Hollywood's going to be presenting the Oscar to a size six, statuesque blond from South Africa, thankful that her face didn't stay that way after her make-up was taken off, like that one Twilight Zone episode where a bunch of shitty siblings had to wear ugly masks for a few hours in order to get their inheritance, then their faces formed to the shapes of their masks and they had to live the rest of their lives as grotesques. Diane Keaton is her closest competitor, partly because she showed some 58-year-old bush. Right below ugly, retarded or disabled is displaying nudity and/or playing a prostitute. While Diane scores points for the nudity, she's once again trumped by Ms. Theron, who plays a prostitute. Plus, Diane also made people laugh, so she won't win. Samantha Morton has some residual cache for playing a mute a couple of years ago (disabled), but she's too cute, even though she fits into the fourth tier of Oscar winners, playing a poor person. I think Naomi Watts plays a junkie or something in 21 Grams and she looks a little rough (ugly+disabled), but she's still too hot to get it. And that 12-year-old from that New Zealand film doesn't have a chance.
Possible Upset: Naomi Watts

Best Supporting Actor
Tim Robbins. Didn't see Mystic River, looked like a major bummer. I wonder if anyone would dare run a Mystic River-Mystic Pizza double feature? Julia Roberts - yum! Ken Watanabe was in that Shogun movie with Tom Cruise that no one saw, but might score an Oscar for costume design for those cool samurai duds. Benicio Del Toro just won one, so he's out. Djimon Hounsou gained some cred for his work in Amistad, but them lost it for being in the last Lara Croft movie. Alec Baldwin is working his way back into the movies by playing a casino owner in The Cooler. I hear he's great, but the Academy's not quite ready to give a Baldwin an Oscar.
Possible Upset: Ken Watanabe

Best Supporting Actress
Renee Zellweger. She's had a few nominations recently, then lost to her costar, the Verizon phone chick, just last year. I saw a clip of Cold Mountain and she's got a few things going for her: she's got a little ugly going on, she does an accent (right below nudity and prostitution, slightly above poor), plus she's acting with Nicole Kidman and Jude Law, both of whom have played prostitutes in previous movies. She looks poor as well. Marcia Gay Harden just won recently and loses points for being in that Richard Dreyfuss-Mr. Holland's Opus-like TV show a couple of years ago. Patricia Clarkson was nominated for her role in a Katie Holmes movie, instead of for that art house train station movie, so that's not going to happen. Holly Hunter also has an Oscar and no one saw her movie. Shohreh Aghdashloo is in that real estate movie. I hear she's phenomenal, but will middle America stand for the Academy voting for an Iranian over a Texan? I'm already picturing Susan Sarandon and Rob Reiner's bodies being dragged down Sunset Boulevard.
Possible Upset: Shohreh Aghdashloo

Best Director and Picture
Peter Jackson, LOTR: The Return of the King. It's interesting watching critics and pop culture writers questioning the start of a potential LOTR backlash, paradoxically by instigating the backlash with their own questioning. We're talkin' Wizard of Oz here, Gone with the Wind, King Kong, Star Wars. Movies like Gladiator and Braveheart were stand-ins, they were what we had for epics in this age, until this chubby B-movie director from New Zealand made the most amazing trilogy ever captured on celluloid. Imagine how Joel Schumacher, or (forgive me) even Steven Spielberg would have fucked this thing up. Shooting in the San Fernando Valley (which probably would have been on fire at the time), Tom Cruise as Aragorn, Tommy Lee Jones as King Theoden, Joe Pesci as Gimli. Mystic River would gain from any backlash and Master and Commander would have prevailed as the epic in any other year. Seabiscuit was surprisingly average, and Sofia Coppola is still making her way out from under Godfather III. Give the Kiwi the awards he's deserved twice already.
Possible Upsets: Sofia Coppola (director), Mystic River (picture)

The Academy Awards will be on a five-second delay, just in case Charlize Theron wants to whip her tit out while accepting her award, or Tim Robbins wants to start an anti-Bush screed. Things to look for: I think Renee Zellweger is still dating Jack White of the White Stripes, so look for Jack with a comb through his hair, Eugene Levy and Catherine O'Hara doing their number from A Mighty Wind, a shot of Tom Cruise smiling everytime Nicole Kidman is on stage or is mentioned, and Billy Crystal aging badly (balding, doughy). Can't we get someone else to host this show? Stephen Fry was terrific as the host of the BAFTAS (the only other reason to watch BBC America besides The Office - enough with those fucking interior decorating make-over shows, already!!!) Sophisticated, yet funny, even a bit ribald, it was a great show with a lot more class and a lot less spectacle than the Oscars. How about one of those Mighty Wind kids? Christopher Guest, or Bob Balaban? It's not like the host is the draw - it's the fucking Oscars! And Nicholson in the front row with his shades on. (The big joke is they're probably bifocals and he needs them to read his program.)

That's it - look to this space for a recap. Or not. We'll see.

Posted by Corey Anderson at February 25, 2004 12:58 AM

Still Even More Life with John Thomas

Filed under: American Idle

Posted by Corey Anderson at February 23, 2004 7:33 AM

Ass Cream, You Scream

Filed under: American Idle

Advertising writers were recently foiled when their request to use Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire" for an ass cream commercial was denied by the Cash family. In an effort to make hemorroid cream commercials a little more hip, here are a few other songs they could use:

"Into the Great Wide Open"

"Disco Inferno"

"Will the Circle Be Unbroken?"

"Don't Touch Me There"

"Wipe Out"

"Biggest Part of Me"

"Every Rose Has Its Thorn"

"I've Got You Under My Skin"

"Da Butt"

"Take This Job and Shove It"

"I Will Survive"

"Friends in Low Places"

"Cajun Moon"

"Hurt So Good"

"I Touch Myself"

"Can You Feel the Love Tonight"

"Against the Grain"

"Back Door Man"

"It Turns Me Inside Out"

"Cracklin' Rosie"

"Fill Me In"

"Greased Lightnin'"

"Killing Me Softly"

"Up Where We Belong"

"In the End"

Posted by Corey Anderson at February 18, 2004 12:37 PM

Even Further Living with John Thomas

Filed under: American Idle

Posted by Corey Anderson at February 15, 2004 6:33 PM

Those damn kids!

Filed under: American Idle

I said raise your hand if you'd like this University of Minnesota sweatshirt. Hand. Raise your hand.

Posted by Corey Anderson at February 8, 2004 3:05 PM

More Living with John Thomas

Filed under: American Idle

Posted by Corey Anderson at February 6, 2004 7:13 AM

Life with John Thomas

Filed under: American Idle

Posted by Corey Anderson at February 2, 2004 9:07 PM

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