October 2004

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City Pages becomes Election Central

Filed under: American Idle

On November 2 and 3, citypages.com will become Election Central. We'll be converting our home page into a live election blog where you can follow local and national election news and read exclusive updates from CP reporters who will be spending the day visiting metro-area polling places and talking with voters and election officials. Check out preliminary stories at City Pages Election Day 2004 right now.

Posted by Corey Anderson at October 29, 2004 2:36 PM

 

Bush meets with every African-American voting for him

Filed under: American Idle

President George W. Bush met recently with absolutely every single African-American planning on voting for him. The contingent, led by boxing promoter Don King (center with huge hair), was treated to their own separate, but equal, pep rally in a 20-foot by 20-foot cordoned-off area backstage at the Silverdome in Pontiac, Michigan, prior to a rally for everyone else.

Posted by Corey Anderson at October 29, 2004 2:01 PM

 

Bush denies Boston victory, still on pitcher's mound

Filed under: American Idle

"He can run, but he can't hide from this pitch! The Cardinals won last night! Am I not still on the mound? And I'll stay on this mound until the job is done. My opponent, you see him up to bat, then you see him grab a glove and run out to the outfield, back and forth, flipping and flopping! Where do you stand, Mr. Kerry? Saw him put ketchup on his ballpark frank too, heh, heh. You see, Kerry wants us to live in a time when the Curse of the Bambino is just a 'nuisance.' The curse is real my friends, and unless you keep me on this mound, we'll all feel the curse!"

Posted by Corey Anderson at October 28, 2004 9:12 AM

 

Inside the mind of the Undecided Voter

Filed under: American Idle

A recently-completed study by the Rudy Perpich Political Psychology Institute attempts to give us a glimpse into the mind of that rarest of breeds, the 2004 Undecided Voter. Most of the supposed 17% of the undecided population completed comprehensive testing using a wide range of profiling techniques. The insights below may reveal the character of that person who just can't seem to make up their mind in the most devisive election in U.S. history.

The Undecided Voter would prefer to wear soft and fuzzy down-lined bunny slippers when relaxing in front of the television at night.

The Undecided Voter was also enamored at the Biblical significance two-by-fours nailed to the bottoms of their feet would provide.

The Undecided Voter thinks a chocolate ice cream cone would be a pleasant treat on a hot summer day.

The Undecided Voter also feels their electrolytes would be replenished with a twelve-ounce glass of warm urine filled with gorgonzola-stuffed jalapeno peppers.

The Undecided Voter feels a sense of pride and satisfaction when thinking about their spouse, and the children they are raising together.

The Undecided Voter was also open to the idea of having their family shot execution-style right in front of their eyes. It would make for a great book and probably get them on the Oprah show.

The Undecided Voter enjoys many of the action-oriented films produced by large Hollywood movie companies.

The Undecided Voter also found visual stimulation in being locked up in a holding cell at 3 a.m. on a Saturday night after a big meth lab bust, with only a grate in the floor for a restroom.

The Undecided Voter believes passing away during a peaceful night's sleep would be a preferable way to go.

The Undecided Voter also admitted a thrill at the thought of being hurled out of a rolling charter bus leaving Branson, Missouri, at four in the morning after the 77-year-old driver had fallen asleep.

Posted by Corey Anderson at October 27, 2004 10:11 AM

 

Karl Rove's Final Descent

Filed under: American Idle

Posted by Corey Anderson at October 25, 2004 10:34 AM

 

The American Idle Presidential Poll

Filed under: American Idle

We at the American Idle corporate HQ are, collectively, no John Zogby, but we strongly feel this poll could get a bead on where America is really coming from. Please take the poll, write down the letter in front of the answer you choose for each question, and, who knows, it might spell out a dirty word on your page or something.

Who's more annoying?
a. The Kerry daughters
b. The Bush twins
c. The Hilton Sisters
d. The Scissor Sisters

Our president is best described as:
a. A Jesus freak
b. A Bible Thumper
c. Old school Crusader
d. Crazy guy on the street we give money to so he leaves us alone

Which would you accept more of from a candidate:
a. Mixed messages
b. Flip-flops
c. Grand diversions
d. Coke jones

Which president was actually uglier than John Kerry?
a. Abraham Lincoln
b. John Tyler
c. William McKinley
d. Lincoln after he was shot

If Dick Cheney had to bring one thing with him to a desert island it would be:
a. George W. Bush
b. The Bible
c. Sade's Greatest Hits
d. The Wall Street Journal and a box of Little Debbies (2 items - big fat cheater!)

John Edwards is to Dan Quayle as a cocker spaniel is to:
a. A Jack Russell terrier
b. A fire hydrant
c. A potatoe
d. Primordial ooze

If called upon to do so, could John Kerry "Rock the Vote?"
a. Yes
b. No
c. Possibly "Smooth Jazz the Vote"

If called upon to do so, could George W. Bush "Rock the Vote?"
a. Yes
b. No
c. If the vote is a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'!

John Kerry:
a. Boxers
b. Briefs
c. Commando
d. The flesh of Dickensian orphans, sewn into a big diaper

Who would best be able to find Upper Volta on a map?
a. John Kerry
b. George W. Bush
c. Fuck Upper Volta

How many troops will it take to secure Iraq?
a. 25,000
b. 125,000
c. 1.25 million
d. How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?

Americans have trouble understanding the candidates' economic policies. Why?
a. Our failed educational system
b. Most Americans don't speak Vaguery
c. Kerry's is probably in metric
d. Did you hear Britney Spears got married again?

Who orchestrated the attack on 9/11?
a. Osama Bin Laden
b. Saddam Hussein
c. Barack Obama
d. Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila

When President Bush heard of the 9/11 attacks, he was holding what?
a. A book called "The Pet Goat"
b. His dick in his hand
c. His breath until he fainted
d. A terrible secret in his heart about his competence to lead

The capital of Afghanistan is:
a. Kabul
b. Baghdad
c. Afghanistan City
d. Who gives a fuckistan?

Aluminum tubes are primarily used for:
a. Nuclear power production
b. Dorm room bookshelves
c. Gay porn
d. The sweetest bong hits, dude!

John Kerry is best described as:
a. Liberal Democrat
b. Moderate Democrat
c. Having a face for radio
d. Pink answer in the "Trivial Pursuit: The 2000-2010 Edition" card pack

George W. Bush is best described as:
a. Conservative Republican
b. Compassionate Conservative
c. Rotary Club Guest Speaker of the Year (2005-2007)
d. Adrift in a sea of religious ideology and partisan hackery that chronically boggles his gin-damaged brain

Posted by Corey Anderson at October 22, 2004 6:40 AM

 

Unless you hit him in the head with a shovel, you're not gonna stop him!

Filed under: American Idle

Posted by Corey Anderson at October 21, 2004 6:41 AM

 

Always the last to know

Filed under: American Idle

Posted by Corey Anderson at October 20, 2004 2:04 PM

 

"2001" Monolith endorses Kerry

Filed under: American Idle

It's becoming quite the "race odyssey" as the monolith from "2001: A Space Odyssey" has officially endorsed John Kerry for president. The monolith seemed to simply hum at the Florida press conference where the announcement was made, but a spokesperson for the monolith stated that we as a society apparently still needed a little nudge getting past our monkey and ape stage. Spokesman for the Bush-Cheney campaign responded that the monolith is most likely an illegal alien, and the constant humming could be a "nucular" device imbedded inside the monolith, preparing to strike without warning, at any time and any place, possibly at your polling place on November 2.

Posted by Corey Anderson at October 19, 2004 10:09 AM

 

Kerry and Edwards rally workers at voter registration card shredding plant

Filed under: American Idle

Presidential hopeful John Kerry and his running mate, North Carolina Senator John Edwards, attended a rally at the Sproul & Associates Democratic Voter Registration Card Shredding Plant in Des Moines, Iowa. During Kerry's speech scraps of registration cards could be seen flying through the air as he attempted to shout over the noise of the massive shredding machines. Kerry stated the Bush economic plan would encourage businesses to outsource the shredding of Democratic voter registration cards to countries like India and Taiwan.

Posted by Corey Anderson at October 15, 2004 9:29 AM

 

Kerry's Kids

Filed under: American Idle

Posted by Corey Anderson at October 13, 2004 3:06 PM

 

Bush stumps for Coors... the beer

Filed under: American Idle

A Colorado campaign stop promoting the Senate run of Republican candidate and beer company chairman Pete Coors went horribly awry as Bush appeared in front of the crowd wearing a happy helmet and touting the accomplishments of Coors, the beer. The president burped the whole alphabet before handlers could get him off the stage.

Posted by Corey Anderson at October 12, 2004 11:43 AM

 

The Kerry campaign makes a slight tactical error...

Filed under: American Idle

Posted by Corey Anderson at October 8, 2004 9:26 AM

 

Members of Congress or porn stars?

Filed under: American Idle

Test your knowledge of our civic leaders and/or favorite cum chuggers! Are the following names members of Congress, or adult film stars?

Roy Blunt

Mike Long

Max Hardcore

Max Burns

Chris Cannon

Christopher Cox

Vivica Coxxx

Norman D. Dicks

Brian Surewood

Dick Gephardt

Billy Glyde

Rush Holt

Jerry Nadler

Jack Hammer

Jim Ramstad

Tony Everready

Jack Steed

Zach Wamp

Posted by Corey Anderson at October 6, 2004 2:04 PM

 

So it's come to this...

Filed under: American Idle

Posted by Corey Anderson at October 4, 2004 5:30 PM

 

Rumsfeld blames bungled war strategy on faulty 20-sided dice

Filed under: American Idle

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, a self-proclaimed 14th-level wizard, is blaming the current Iraqi quagmire on the Dungeons and Dragons dice he was using. "Three-headed dragons, trolls, even Medusa herself have fallen under my power with a roll of these dice, but Iraq... ugh..."

In an interview from his parents' basement, Rumsfeld blamed his hamster for chewing the corners off.

Attorney General John Ashcroft quickly distanced himself from this growing controversy. "As soon as I saw the Rumsfelds had a calico cat, I knew there be black magic about."

Posted by Corey Anderson at October 1, 2004 7:12 AM

 

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