January 2005

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Wintertime for Cheney

Filed under: American Idle

U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney, center, is flanked by his wife Lynne, right, and Israel's President Moshe Katsav, left, as leaders from 30 countries gather to remember the victims of the Holocaust on the 60th anniversary of the liberation of the Nazis' Auschwitz death camp by Soviet troops in Oswiecim, southern Poland on Thursday, Jan. 27, 2005. In the middle of the service, the vice president carved a hole in the ice and caught a seven-pound walleye.

Posted by Corey Anderson at January 28, 2005 11:12 AM

 

Pussy wrangler

Filed under: American Idle

President George W. Bush hastily called a press conference yesterday to show everyone how not to hold a kitty.

Posted by Corey Anderson at January 28, 2005 8:46 AM

 

President Discusses Issues With Black Leaders

Filed under: American Idle

WASHINGTON, Jan. 25 - President Bush told a meeting of African-American religious and community leaders on Tuesday that he remained committed to a proposed constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage and that fighting H.I.V. and AIDS in Africa remained a priority, a participant in the meeting said afterward. Mr. Bush also encouraged the leaders to support his plan to add personal investment accounts to Social Security, which White House officials say could benefit blacks because they have a shorter average life span than whites and end up putting more money into the retirement system than they take out.

Posted by Corey Anderson at January 27, 2005 1:42 PM

 

Ashcroft surrenders haircut title to Mueller

Filed under: American Idle

During the farewell ceremony honoring him, outgoing Attorney General John Ashcroft transferred his status of having the most anal-retentive haircut in the government to FBI Director Robert Mueller. "You could measure anything five inches or shorter using the part in my hair, by golly," the embattled Ashcroft mused. "But now it's time this haircut enters civilian life." A tear could be seen rolling down Mr. Ashcroft's cheek has he handed the ceremonial gold comb and silver tin of Dippidy-Doo to Director Mueller.

Posted by Corey Anderson at January 26, 2005 11:36 AM

 

When's the DVD release?

Filed under: American Idle

Posted by Corey Anderson at January 21, 2005 5:23 PM

 

Jenna loses bet as Rehnquist completes oath administration without dying

Filed under: American Idle

Posted by Corey Anderson at January 20, 2005 12:08 PM

 

Inauguration temporarily disrupted by presidential flashback

Filed under: American Idle

Posted by Corey Anderson at January 20, 2005 11:54 AM

 

Huge metaphor obstructs John Kerry's view of Bush's inauguration

Filed under: American Idle

Posted by Corey Anderson at January 20, 2005 11:28 AM

 

Homeland Security raises Queer Alert Level to fuscia during inauguration

Filed under: American Idle

The Queer Alert Level was raised from burnt umber to fuscia when Secret Service spotted a lesbian near the podium as the Vice President was taking the oath of office.

Posted by Corey Anderson at January 20, 2005 11:24 AM

 

Let the festivities begin!

Filed under: American Idle

Former Vice President Dan Quayle, left, talks with Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, D-N.Y. on Capitol Hill in Washington Thursday, Jan. 20, 2005 as they attended President Bush's inauguration.

Posted by Corey Anderson at January 20, 2005 11:14 AM

 

Spc. Charles A. Graner Jr. trial testimony now available in stereo

Filed under: American Idle

Posted by Corey Anderson at January 19, 2005 12:35 PM

 

The Perranoski Prizes final voting has begun

Filed under: American Idle

Head over to The American Street and vote for your favorite blogs in categorizes such as Best Designed, Best Art, Best Moving Image, Best Humanitarian, Best Investigative Reseach and more. Voting will commence immediately and conclude at midnight on January 31st.

Posted by Corey Anderson at January 18, 2005 3:48 PM

 

Beyond Vietnam

Filed under: American Idle

"When machines and computers, profit motives and property rights, are considered more important than people, the giant triplets of racism, extreme materialism, and militarism are incapable of being conquered."

-- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., April 4, 1967, New York's Riverside Church

Posted by Corey Anderson at January 17, 2005 8:53 AM

 

Bush puts Lincoln on three dollar bill

Filed under: American Idle

In response to recent accusations of homosexual and/or bisexual behavior committed by Abraham Lincoln, George W. Bush, by presidential edict, ordered the Treasury Department to begin production of a three dollar bill featuring the Great Emancipator. "My buddies in Texas will get a kick out this," chuckled the president.

Posted by Corey Anderson at January 14, 2005 3:32 PM

 

Bill O'Reilly accepts George Clooney's invitation to participate in this weekend's star-studded tsunami relief telethon

Filed under: American Idle

E! Online -- Bill O'Reilly has accepted George Clooney's invite to appear on the Tsunami Aid: A Concert of Hope telethon, set to air Saturday on NBC and its cable networks. O'Reilly made the announcement Tuesday morning on his radio show: "NBC has faxed us over information that all of the money that you donate to the telethon on Saturday night is going to the American Red Cross--all of it," O'Reilly said. "I like that. So, I'm gonna go over and do it."

Posted by Corey Anderson at January 14, 2005 11:57 AM

 

BVM - Burnt Virgin Mary

Filed under: American Idle

An employee of Japanese electronics giant Sanyo displays a piece of toast and a 'Winnie the Pooh' cartoon toaster. The Japanese manufacturer said it had created a 'Super Toaster' which heats the bread a split-second after slicing it. Sanyo plans to make millions with their Mother Theresa and Virgin Mary toasters, mostly by selling the toast on eBay for a mint.

Posted by Corey Anderson at January 13, 2005 7:32 AM

 

Napoleon Dynamite's brother Kip tapped to become next deputy secretary of state

Filed under: American Idle

President Bush on Friday tapped U.S. Trade Representative Robert Zoellick, known to Gen-Yers as Kip, the chat room-obsessed brother of hapless high schooler Napoleon Dynamite, to become the next deputy secretary of state under Condolleezza Rice. First order of business was changing Secretary Rice's Secret Service code name to LaFawnduh.

Posted by Corey Anderson at January 12, 2005 8:45 AM

 

President eats monster hamburgers to raise money for tsunami victims

Filed under: American Idle

At a fundraising event for tsunami victims held on Tuesday, President George W. Bush challenged other celebrities, including Capt. Lou Albano and former Seahawks great Brian Bosworth, to a hamburger eating contest. The president made $373 for US AID, mostly on side-bets placed by the press pool, who dutifully looked away as the Commander in Chief unfortunately evacuated his over-extended bowels on stage, half-way through his third burger. Should've skipped those pickles!

Posted by Corey Anderson at January 11, 2005 4:38 PM

 

Electro-shock treatments = Purple Nurples

Filed under: American Idle

Alberto Gonzales faced tough questioning during senate confirmation hearings, primarily about his role as author of the so-called "Torture Memo," which, in essence, dismissed the basics tenets of the Geneva Convention when questioning enemy combatants. Gonzales stated, in the interest of national security, code words were used in an effort to thwart enemy intelligence. Gonzales claimed the phrase "jumper cables affixed to the genitals" actually meant "no dessert" and "beating with a baseball bat to the point of organ failure" meant "shave one eyebrow, take picture, and post photo on Flickr." Gonzales expects to be confirmed by the full Senate, now that the misunderstandings have been cleared up.

Posted by Corey Anderson at January 6, 2005 4:08 PM

 

President Bush eleventh caller, thanked for playing

Filed under: American Idle

It was announced earlier today that President Bush was, sadly, the eleventh caller to Soft Rock 97.1 in a bid to score some front row Anne Murray tickets. "Laura just loves that 'Snow Bird' song," the president acknowledged. After the president was told he was not the tenth caller, and was thanked for playing, he returned to his cabinet meeting where an air of tension lingered till the lunch break.

Posted by Corey Anderson at January 5, 2005 3:19 PM

 

President announces emergency shipments of Pop Tarts and Yoo-Hoo to tsunami-ravaged Asia

Filed under: American Idle

President George W. Bush on Monday appointed former Presidents Bush and Clinton to supervise relief efforts in Thailand and other nations torn asunder by the December 26 tsunami in the Indian Ocean. "These people have been through a lot," the president stated, "and they could sure use some snacks and stuff to brighten up their day." The president also announced the donation of 2,000 X-Boxes by Microsoft and 500 Tony Hawk skateboards.

Posted by Corey Anderson at January 4, 2005 3:40 PM

 

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