February 2005

Vatican says Pope is recovering well, should be able to subjugate women and demean gays in a matter of days

Filed under: American Idle

Pope John Paul II is recovering without complications and has started therapy to improve his breathing and speaking, a day after the pontiff surprised the faithful with a brief appearance in a hospital window. "It's been days since he's called homosexuality an 'ideology of evil' and told women to devote themselves to motherhood, and he's gettin' a little itchy," said Archibishop Clarence Thornbladt in a statement released by the Vatican on Monday.

Posted by Corey Anderson at February 28, 2005 10:25 AM

Bush and Putin announce engagement to a stunned world

Filed under: American Idle

President George W. Bush and Russian counterpart Vladimir Putin shocked the world yesterday when they met the press following a closed-door meeting to announce that they�ve been having an affair for three years and will marry some time this summer. �I wasn�t lyin� when I met him for the first time and said I saw into his soul,� Bush declared to a stunned press corp. Washington Post staff writer Michael A. Fletcher broke the silence with a �slow clap� that soon erupted into thunderous applause as Putin gently rested his head on President Bush�s shoulder and slowly began to weep. Registry will most likely be at the GUM Department Store in Moscow and at Fleet Farm locations nationwide.

Posted by Corey Anderson at February 25, 2005 5:33 PM

FBI files on suspected gay cartoon characters uncovered

Filed under: American Idle

Cartoon characters have taken a pummelling by the Christian right recently for their supposed promotion of the homosexual lifestyle. SpongeBob SquarePants has been ridiculed for both chronic hand-holding with his male friend Patrick and for joining with other cartoon characters in singing "We Are Family" for a school video that accusers contend promotes the "homosexual agenda." Buster the Bunny was recently busted trying to visit a lesbian couple in Vermont on his public television show. And Marge Simpson's sister, Patty Bouvier, recently married her lesbian lover on "The Simpsons." Thanks to the Freedom of Information Act, American Idle has uncovered an ongoing investigation of cartoon characters that dates back to the 1930s, with overseers such as J. Edgar Hoover, Sen. Joe McCarthy, Ed Meese, and John Ashcroft monitoring supposed subversive activities by some of the most-beloved children's entertainment figures. What follows may be shocking, and you may never look at your favorite cartoon characters the same way again. We ask that children not view anymore of this web page, for sanity's sake.

Popeye the Sailor
Case opened: 1933; Case closed: 1984
Don't ask, don't tell was around long before Bill Clinton was even born. Although Popeye had a brief fling with Betty Boop, and soon after became the David Gest to Olive Oyl's Liza Minnelli, J. Edgar Hoover launched the very first investigation of a cartoon in 1933, initially over his concern about conduct unbecoming a member of the military. His suspicions of Popeye's personal life ignited when the spinach-eater seemed to have more physical contact with possible "bear" Bluto than with Olive, who would later acquire a child without the coital assistance of Popeye. Memos of Popeye's transfers to various National Guard units in Texas and Alabama were deemed phony, thus, a complete record of his military service has never been compiled.

Yogi Bear and Boo-Boo
Case opened: 1958; Case closed: 1994
The Hanna-Barbera company has been closely watched since the 1950s. HB, more than any other animation house, used the most characters with the vaguest sexual orientation. Lots of bottomless males, clothed only in bowties and neckties. Yogi shared a cave in Jellystone Park with his diminutive sidekick, Boo-Boo, and, as was the case across the country during that era, would chronically defy authority and/or "the establishment," in this case Ranger Smith. Was Yogi's knack for stealing pic-a-nic baskets an effort to sate his post-homosexual-sex appetite? The FBI never found out and closed the file on Yogi following his possible conversion to a more wholesome lifestyle in the early Nineties as depicted in "Yogi the Easter Bear."

Snagglepuss
Case opened: 1959; Case closed: 1985
The file on another Hanna-Barbera player, Snagglepuss, is probably the largest of any cartoon character. Snagglepuss began his career as a sheep-stealing mountain lion in Quick Draw McGraw cartoons, and speculation as to what he did with those sheep filled hundreds of pages alone. He also appeared in cartoons with Augie Dogg and Doggie Daddy, rumored to have been a wealthy older dog and his "cabana boy," as it were. Snagglepuss' "exit, stage left" catchphrase clearly put him in the camp of theater-folk. Secret memos confirm Hoover ordered a certain Major Minor, from a special ops unit called The Adventure Club, to "bag" Snagglepuss, but was always unsuccessful. Huckleberry Hound was also under surveillance, for a period of eight years, but no sexual relationship between he and Snagglepuss could be proven.

Tennessee Tuxedo and Chumley the Walrus
Case opened: 1963; Case closed: 1966
While Tennessee and Chumley raised alarms initially due to the possibly-gay naked-except-for-neckwear dynamic they both shared, the FBI showed little concern as long as they were safely behind bars at the Megopolis Zoo, under the watchful eye of Stanley Livingston and Phineas J. Whoopee, who used an animated chalkboard as a re-education tool.

The Great Gazoo
Case opened: 1964; Case closed: 1966
Was the Great Gazoo the original Queer Eye to Neanderthal straight guys Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble? This spirited little alien began dropping in on the Stone Age clods during the last two years The Flintstones were broadcast, constantly giving the hopeless hubbies advice while exhibiting a certain puckish flair and a penchant for wearing green tights. At the show's end the Great Gazoo was seen in public no more and the file was officially closed.

Velma Dinkley
Case opened: 1969; Case closed: N/A
The red flag went up as soon as Velma and her hippie friends came on the scene in the late 1960s. Shaggy: Clearly a stoner who had imaginary conversations with his Great Dane, Scooby-Do. Saucy minx Daphne: A lipstick lesbian? And neckerchief-wearing Fred: Neckerchief-wearer. They caused quite a stir within the top ranks of the FBI. Was their mystery-solving and crime-fighting merely a ruse to lure people into accepting homosexuals into these hetero-dominated vocational fields? While the file on Velma was dormant for quite some time, her recent reappearance in a shampoo commercial with Wilma Flintstone, Jane Jetson, and others, has prompted FBI Director Robert Mueller to reassign four agents to her case.

Posted by Corey Anderson at February 24, 2005 5:12 PM

Kim Jong-Il vows to hold his breath (and nuke South Korea) unless disarmament negotiations resume

Filed under: American Idle

Posted by Corey Anderson at February 22, 2005 6:01 PM

Homeland Security Musical Chairs

Filed under: American Idle

CIA Director Porter Goss and FBI Director Robert Mueller calmly wait for "Let the Eagle Soar" to stop playing as they join the new Intelligence Chief John Negroponte in a game of Homeland Security Musical Chairs. Whomever doesn't get a seat has to take the blame for the next attack.

Posted by Corey Anderson at February 18, 2005 2:02 PM

Crying Fowler

Filed under: American Idle

The Star Tribune recently reported some discrepancies in the official biography of soon-to-be Vikings owner Reggie Fowler. Statements promoting his participation in the Little League World Series, his tenure with NFL and CFL teams, even what his college major was have now been put into a "news friendly format," states PR flack Leslie Kupchella. However, the rogue software hackers at AmericanIdleCorp have extracted the original webpage featuring Fowler's biography that may reveal other fabrications...

In 1972, Reggie Fowler's crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune, except for Reggie, who left the team to become a multi-millionaire businessman.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, Reggie Fowler joined a rebel alliance and assisted in the destruction of the galaxy's most powerful weapon, for which he received a medal from an attractive young princess.

Prior to entering college in the mid-1970s, Reggie Fowler used his leadership skills to broker a Middle East peace deal between Egypt's Anwar Al-Sadat and Israel's Menachem Begin.

Reggie Fowler won the 1981 Cannonball Run.

In May 1986, Reggie Fowler took time off from the Cincinnati Bengals training camp to fill a gap near Pat Benatar and maybe a guy from Duran Duran in Silver Springs, New Mexico, during Hands Across America.

At the end of his NFL career, Fowler joined childhood pen-pal Kurt Cobain in Seattle where together they invented grunge.

Posted by Corey Anderson at February 17, 2005 10:53 AM

TV's hottest new "reality" show

Filed under: American Idle

Now that "reporter" Jeff Gannon, nee James Dale Guckert, has resigned from the Talon "news" organization, the White House is going to need another fake reporter to throw softballs at the president! Executive Producer Mark Burnett is currently accepting videotapes, and will select 5 lucky contestants who will vie for the chance to be the next paid Republican shill, I mean fair and balanced member of the White House press corps! Coming this spring to FOX: Who will be the White House's next Top Fake Reporter?

Tune in Fridays at 8 on FOX to see who becomes the White House's next Top Fake Reporter!

Posted by Corey Anderson at February 11, 2005 8:50 AM

Pixie and the Magic Purple Thing

Filed under: American Idle

Little Pixie was left alone again. Ever since Daddy ran off with the waitress from the Denny's near the university, little Pixie has had to play by herself while her mommy works double-shifts at the slaughterhouse sweeping up teeth and toenails. Sometimes Mommy's shoes are covered with teeth and toenails and they fall off as she walks around the apartment. Sometimes Pixie steps on the teeth and cuts her foot open. A little Bactine usually does the trick.

It was a cold and rainy day. Pixie was bored, looking out of the window her mom left open in case she had to jump in a firemen's net to save herself from dying in a fire, and decided to explore the apartment. Her mommy's room was expressly forbidden, so that's where Pixie started, hobbling from a recent encounter with a chicken claw. Pixie opened her mother's nightstand drawer and discovered a penis-shaped purple object. Pixie had no idea what it was, or why it smelled like the time the refrigerator broke in the middle of August.

Pixie imagined the sticky purple object was a magic lamp that would grant her all of her wishes. Pixie began vigorously rubbing the object. Smoke began to fill the room. At first she thought Mrs. Palmer in the next-door apartment had fallen asleep again while smoking, but then Pixie remembered Mrs. Palmer died last week from falling asleep while smoking.

The smoke dissipated enough for Pixie to see the object in her hand had two eyes and a mouth.

"Pixie, you're not supposed to be in your mother's room!" the object chastised.

"What are you?" Pixie asked.

"Well, if you must know, I'm your mother's dildo. She lubes me up and pounds me in and out of her hoo-hoo till she comes."

Pixie looked at the magic dildo quizzically. "Mommy's dildo is silver and shiny and hidden under the mattress," Pixie said, rifling under the mattress, eventually retrieving the silver dildo.

"Alright, alright," the purple imposter groused, "I'm not your mom's dildo. I'm a magic dildo passed down from generation to generation in your father's family. He was too hopped up on meth to remember me when he ran off with that waitress from Perkins."

"Denny's," Pixie corrected.

"Whatever. Every generation gets three wishes - looks like it's your turn."

Pixie was elated! All her dreams were just three wishes away!

"First, my foot is starting to go black - I don't think mommy got the whole chicken claw out of it - can you fix it?"

The purple magic dildo jumped off the nightstand and began rubbing itself on Pixie's pus-filled foot. "Jesus, it smells like someone shit themselves and then died in your foot... and maybe laid some eggs or something." Maggots had indeed begun propagating inside Pixie's foot, but no more, thanks to wish Number One!

"Hurray, my foot feels wonderful!" Pixie yelled and she jumped up and down on her maggot-less feet.

"Come on, wish Number Two - your mom's gonna be home in a half an hour and she'll be pissed you're in her bedroom talking to a dildo."

"My second wish is I want a puppy!" Pixie yelled.

"What kind of puppy, and you're forgetting if you just wish for a bunch of money, you can get a lot of this stuff. I know you're like seven years old, or something, but don't be stupid about this," the magic purple dildo admonished.

"A brown puppy," Pixie answered.

"Okay, let's make it a Yorkshire terrier," the magic purple dildo announced, and POOF! A beautiful Yorkshire terrier puppy landed in Pixie's arms. Pixie's arms are pretty small, and she dropped the puppy on its head.

"Well, Jesus! Don't kill the thing!" the magic purple dildo yelled. The Yorkie hobbled up on all fours and swayed back and forth. "Alright, I'll fix that noggin, just 'cuz you're young and stupid." The dildo hopped down and began to roll itself around the Yorkie's head, repairing the fall's damage. The Yorkie then took the dildo in it's mouth and ran out of the room.

Pixie ran down the hall after the Yorkie. "Come back! I'm going to name you Tabasco!"

"Are you talking to me or the dog?" the magic purple dildo asked. "Cuz my name's Mr. Thrusty."

The Yorkie raced toward the open window and leapt out.

"That window is only in case of fire, but Mrs. Palmer is dead, so you shouldn't jump out!" Pixie yelled to the pooch, who had already hit the ground with a thud, suffering injuries no purple dildo could fix, no matter how magical.

"Tabasco!" Pixie yelled out the window at the dead dog, the magic purple dildo nowhere in sight.

"Where did you go, Mr. Frisky?" Pixie yelled. She then noticed Tabasco's stomach moving slightly.

"Mr. Frisky is a different model, with a butt plug attachment," Pixie heard from inside the dog. "I'm Mr. Thrusty, and the damn dog swallowed me!"

"Are you going to come out as poop?" Pixie inquired.

"Well, the damn dog's dead, so I'm stuck here until, maybe, someone wishes me out of here. Maybe someone could say something like, 'I wish Mr. Thrusty was out of the dead dog's belly and in my mom's nightstand drawer,'" said the magic purple dildo.

"I like 'Who's the Boss?' and I wish it was on TV right now!" Pixie screamed.

"Goddamn it!" the magic purple dildo yelled from inside the dead dog's belly. The 80s sitcom starring Tony Danza appeared on the television in Pixie's apartment, and she raced to the living room to watch it, too happy to notice a pig tooth on the floor nicked her heel, most likely afflicting her with porcine encephalitis. Pixie would be dead within a month. Tabasco and Mr. Thrusty were hit with sticks by bored neighborhood kids until the grocer on the corner shooed them away from the tattered carcass and threw it in the dumpster.

Posted by Corey Anderson at February 10, 2005 9:20 AM

Vice President says tax refunds for the wealthy will only be "this high" in President Bush's 2005 budget

Filed under: American Idle

Posted by Corey Anderson at February 7, 2005 5:12 PM

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