Today, thousands of Minnesotans attended a rally at the State Capitol encouraging a ban on gay marriage, to keep sacred the holy bond of a man and a woman, spending decades upon decades together, day in, day out, their love slowly turning to resentment and bitterness, the bickering and whining, the drinking, the cheating, the crying, your goddamn mother who never shuts up, she never thought I was good enough for you! Well, maybe if you stopped drinking for one goddamn minute and went out and got a real job she might not think that way! Listen! I work my fucking ass off all damn day so you can stuff your fat face and so you can buy those $100 soccer shoes for Joey! You were the one who called him a fat pig and took away his PlayStation and made me sign him up for soccer and now you're going to bitch about how much a pair of shoes cost!?! A hundred damn dollars for sneakers? What a racket! Oh, and I suppose your golf clubs were free? Now don't start in on my golf clubs again! You use them what five times a year? It's because I'm too busy working to go out to the course! Maybe you should get a goddamn job so you can help pay for all that Pampered Chef shit you buy all the time! It's not shit and you know it...

The John Bolton Senate confirmation hearings were recessed when Joseph Biden (D-DE) went all "Brad Pitt in 12 Monkeys" again, according to Sen. Dick Lugar (left). "He started that goddamn 'oozing insanity' shit again, so we just said 'fuck it' until he got his meds straightened out."