April 2005

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Pentagon reports limited resources hindering war effort

Filed under: American Idle , American Idle

Posted by Corey Anderson at April 29, 2005 11:03 AM

 

American Idle Friday Random Ten (4/29)

Filed under: American Idle , American Idle

Joining Rox Pop, Norwegianity, and Feministe, et al, here's the American Idle Friday Random Ten:

1. Hot Tonite - His Name is Alive
2. Blue Skies - Willie Nelson
3. When You Were Mine - Prince
4. The Bitterest Pill (I Ever Had to Swallow) - The Jam
5. Surprise Surprise - X
6. Life on Mars? - Seu Jorge
7. I Confess - English Beat
8. In the Sun - Joseph Arthur
9. Volcano - Damien Rice
10. Ooh La La - The Faces

Posted by Corey Anderson at April 29, 2005 9:38 AM

 

"cracker_watch"
Alabama Bill Targets Gay Authors

Filed under: Cracker Watch , Cracker Watch

MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA -- Republican Alabama lawmaker Gerald Allen says homosexuality is an unacceptable lifestyle and under his bill public school libraries could no longer buy new copies of plays or books by gay authors, or about gay characters.

"I don't look at it as censorship," says hayseed/State Representative Gerald Allen. "I look at it as protecting the hearts and souls and minds of our children." From men who put other men's wieners in their mouths!!! Oh, and write books too. Like "In Cold Blood," "The Glass Menagerie," "A Passage to India," and other horseshit.

Books by any gay author would have to go: Walt Whitman, Oscar Wilde, James Baldwin, Carson McCullers, Tennessee Williams, Rita Mae Brown, Quentin Crisp, Truman Capote, May Sarton, Noel Coward, Alice Walker, and Gore Vidal, etc.

Allen originally even wanted to ban some Shakespeare, believed by many to be one of the greatest authors of all time. After criticism, he narrowed his bill to exempt the classics, although he still can't define what a classic is because the last book Allen probably read included artifical bunny fur for the sole purpose of patting. Also exempted now are Alabama's public and college libraries.

While you're still allowed to read, you can read the rest of the story here.

Posted by Corey Anderson at April 28, 2005 2:20 PM

 

Best Meltdown - Ass Rocket

Filed under: American Idle , American Idle

From City Pages' Best of the Twin Cities 2005, on the streets today:

BEST MELTDOWN
John Hinderaker

Talk about losing your shit. This past December, Apple Valley attorney John Hinderaker was on top of the world--or rather on top of that itty-bitty part of the world known as the blogosphere. Hinderaker's glory arose because the group blog to which he is a prime contributor--Powerlineblog.com--was named Blog of the Year by Time magazine. This honor stemmed from Powerline's tireless attacks on a CBS story that, in examining the particulars of Bush's service in the National Guard, relied on evidently bogus documents. As Hinderaker basked in the glow of this beatification from the mainstream media, he attracted considerable attention from critics on the left. Some of said critics were quick to poke holes in Powerline's Fox-like zeal to promote the Bush agenda. Others had the gall to riff comically on the homoerotic connotations of the Powerline boys' chosen handles. (Hinderaker likes to be called "Hind Rocket;" his collaborator and fellow Dartmouth alum, Scott Johnson, is "the Big Trunk.") As the name-calling and spam assaults escalated, the Powerliners were filled with shock and disgust. Why can't those liberals make their point in a thoughtful, gentlemanly manner? Rude, crude invective is their stock in trade. Leave the high-minded analysis to the Ivy League boys. It turns out, of course, there is an exception to this principle: if you are named John Hinderaker and you are interacting with people you regard as moonbats. Then you can feel free to let 'er rip. The Hind Rocket's great meltdown occurred this past February, after he received a fairly mild critique of Powerline's posts on a scandal involving the White House's use of fake reporters. If you are a connoisseur of the meltdown, Hinderaker's frothing, sputtered, red-faced response was a thing of beauty: "You dumb shit, he didn't get access using a fake name, he used his real name," he huffed in his e-mail. "You lefties' concern for White House security is really touching, but you know what, you stupid asshole, I think the Secret Service has it covered. Go crawl back into your hole, you stupid left-wing shithead. And don't bother us anymore. You have to have an IQ over 50 to correspond with us. You don't qualify, you stupid shit." Way to go, Blog of the Year!

Read more Best of the Twin Cities at City Pages!

Posted by Corey Anderson at April 27, 2005 6:52 AM

 

You and Me Against the World

Filed under: American Idle , American Idle

You and me against the world
Sometimes it feels like you and me against the world
When all the nations turn their back and walk away
You can count on me to stay

Remember when the DNC came to town
And you were frightened by the clown?
Wasn't it nice to be around someone that you knew?
Someone who was big and strong and looking out for...

You and me against the world
Sometimes it feels like you and me against the world
And for all the oil that you've supplied I always felt that
The odds were on our side

And when one of us is gone
And Jeb is left to carry on
Then Swiss Bank accounts will have to do
Our stock options alone will get us through
Think about the days of me and you
Of you and me against the world

Sincere apologies to Helen Reddy

Posted by Corey Anderson at April 25, 2005 3:08 PM

 

Bush spends Earth Day absolutely nowhere near actual earth

Filed under: American Idle , American Idle

President George W. Bush delivers remarks on Earth Day Friday, April 22, 2005, at McGhee Tyson Air National Guard Base in Knoxville, Tenn. Standing behind him are, from left: Rep. John Duncan, Jr.; Senator Lamar Alexander; Senator Bill Frist; Interior Secretary Gail Norton; EPA Administrator Steve Johnson; Rep. Zach Wamp, and Rep. William Jenkins.

Posted by Corey Anderson at April 22, 2005 5:52 PM

 

Pope Benedict XVI's first proclamation to the world's Catholics: Wash your hands! They're filthy!

Filed under: American Idle , American Idle

Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger's first official act as Pope Benedict XVI was to declare the hands of the world's Catholics filthy and to order everyone to wash up before dinner. "Look at 'em! Look at 'em all... they're disgusting! No dessert until you scrub those grubby mitts!"

Posted by Corey Anderson at April 22, 2005 11:27 AM

 

American Idle Friday Random Ten (4/22)

Filed under: American Idle , American Idle

Joining Rox Pop, Norwegianity, and Feministe, et al, here's the American Idle Friday Random Ten:

1. Those To Come - The Shins
2. How Many Cans - Soul Coughing
3. Brooklyn Public - FannyPack
4. Let's Get Lost - Chet Baker
5. Oh Yoko - John Lennon
6. I Shall Not Walk Alone - Ben Harper
7. Skankin' To The Beat (Demo) - Fishbone
8. Holding My Own - The Darkness
9. Alienation's For The Rich - They Might Be Giants
10. Diamond Dogs - David Bowie

Posted by Corey Anderson at April 22, 2005 8:54 AM

 

"crackerwatch"
Thousands rally at MN capitol to limit loveless, demoralizing, soul-eating tradition to straight couples only

Filed under: Cracker Watch , Cracker Watch

Today, thousands of Minnesotans attended a rally at the State Capitol encouraging a ban on gay marriage, to keep sacred the holy bond of a man and a woman, spending decades upon decades together, day in, day out, their love slowly turning to resentment and bitterness, the bickering and whining, the drinking, the cheating, the crying, your goddamn mother who never shuts up, she never thought I was good enough for you! Well, maybe if you stopped drinking for one goddamn minute and went out and got a real job she might not think that way! Listen! I work my fucking ass off all damn day so you can stuff your fat face and so you can buy those $100 soccer shoes for Joey! You were the one who called him a fat pig and took away his PlayStation and made me sign him up for soccer and now you're going to bitch about how much a pair of shoes cost!?! A hundred damn dollars for sneakers? What a racket! Oh, and I suppose your golf clubs were free? Now don't start in on my golf clubs again! You use them what five times a year? It's because I'm too busy working to go out to the course! Maybe you should get a goddamn job so you can help pay for all that Pampered Chef shit you buy all the time! It's not shit and you know it...

Posted by Corey Anderson at April 21, 2005 1:47 PM

 

12 Donkeys

Filed under: American Idle , American Idle

The John Bolton Senate confirmation hearings were recessed when Joseph Biden (D-DE) went all "Brad Pitt in 12 Monkeys" again, according to Sen. Dick Lugar (left). "He started that goddamn 'oozing insanity' shit again, so we just said 'fuck it' until he got his meds straightened out."

Posted by Corey Anderson at April 21, 2005 12:10 PM

 

George Voinovich wins Senate Chug-A-Lug Contest three years running

Filed under: American Idle , American Idle

With assistance from his "coach," Minnesota Senator Norm Coleman, George Voinovich (R-OH) has won the annual Senate Chug-A-Lug contest for his third straight year. The "three-peat" ties Ted Kennedy's 1983-85 championship run.

Posted by Corey Anderson at April 20, 2005 12:29 PM

 

"crackerwatch"
School Board Bans Photo Of Girl Wearing Tux

Filed under: Cracker Watch , Cracker Watch

GREEN COVE SPRINGS, Fla. -- After a spirited discussion over a photo of a female student wearing a tuxedo at the Clay County School Board meeting in Florida Thursday, the principal's decision to ban the picture from the Fleming Island High School yearbook stands.

Kelli Davis, 18, had her senior class photo taken in a tuxedo top and bow-tie outfit provided for boys rather than the gown-like drape and pearls provided for girls. The school's principal decided it could not appear in the yearbook because she didn't follow the dress code.

Complete story here.

Posted by Corey Anderson at April 18, 2005 6:41 AM

 

"crackerwatch"
Teacher Resigns After Appearing In Blackface At Basketball Game

Filed under: Cracker Watch , Cracker Watch

MACON, Ga. -- A high school teacher who wore blackface at a student-faculty basketball game has resigned, saying "it was poor judgment and will never happen again."

Photographs from the Central High School game on March 25 show Dougherty wearing an exaggerated, Afro-style wig with brownish makeup covering his face and arms. A student also is pictured wearing brown makeup on his face and arms.

Complete story here.

Posted by Corey Anderson at April 15, 2005 5:01 PM

 

W: The Musical, playing through 2008

Filed under: American Idle

Posted by Corey Anderson at April 15, 2005 11:01 AM

 

American Idle Friday Random Ten (4/15)

Filed under: American Idle

Joining Rox Pop, Norwegianity, and Feministe, et al, here's the American Idle Friday Random Ten:

1. Gigantic - Pixies
2. A Sign of the Times - Petula Clark
3. Hippopatomus - FannyPack
4. Chess Piece Face - They Might Be Giants
5. Friday Night - The Darkness
6. Am I Wrong - Love Spit Love
7. Spanish Bombs - The Clash
8. I'm Lost (Demo) - X
9. Knuckles - The Hold Steady
10. France Blues - Koerner, Ray & Glover

Posted by Corey Anderson at April 15, 2005 8:46 AM

 

Rumsfeld presents new Kyrgyz leader with the letter "E"

Filed under: American Idle

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld presented the Kyrgyz acting president with the letter "E" as a gesture that the United States fully supports their coup. "The president thought you could use this," Rumsfeld joked as he offered one of the cornerstones of the modern English alphabet to the Central Asian leader.

Posted by Corey Anderson at April 14, 2005 11:42 AM

 

UN ambassador nominee John Bolton attempts to woo senate committee using folksy commercial persona

Filed under: American Idle

A desperate John Bolton, facing a second day of grilling from the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, affected a down-home, folksy persona, implying (using a container of Quaker Oats) that "supporting me is the right thing to do, and the tasty way to do it." The committee appeared unamused.

Posted by Corey Anderson at April 13, 2005 10:20 AM

 

Senate Panel Grills Bolton Over Record

Filed under: American Idle

Posted by Corey Anderson at April 12, 2005 4:42 PM

 

American Idle Friday Random Ten (4/8)

Filed under: American Idle

Joining Rox Pop and Feministe, et al, here's the American Idle Friday Random Ten:

1. Chewbaca - Supernova
2. Who Was That Girl? - Bill Frisell
3. Red Hot Moon - Rancid
4. Sorry - The English Beat
5. Lie Down on Landsdowne - Lifter Puller
6. Boomtown - The Blasters
7. Chalkhills and Children - XTC
8. The Bitterest Pill - The Jam
9. Ping Island/Lightning Strike Rescue Op - Mark Mothersbaugh
10. Sumer Is Icumen In - Richard Thompson

Posted by Corey Anderson at April 8, 2005 9:54 AM

 

The American Contingent

Filed under: American Idle

Posted by Corey Anderson at April 8, 2005 7:20 AM

 

Conservative pundit Pat Buchanan denies participating in a bukkake film for $50 and a bag of weed

Filed under: American Idle

Posted by Corey Anderson at April 7, 2005 11:53 AM

 

Suck it, Ass Rocket!

Filed under: American Idle

The legal counsel to Sen. Mel Martinez (R-Fla.) admitted yesterday that he was the author of a memo citing the political advantage to Republicans of intervening in the case of Terri Schiavo, thus denying the Ass Rocket and Big Trunk a feather in caps they seemed to have already purchased for the occasion of debunking the memo as a left-wing conspiracy. Ass Rocket's foray into the controversy began with the headline "Is This the Biggest Hoax Since the Sixty Minutes Story?" Like Bill Frist diagnosing Terri Schiavo by video, Ass Rocket began drawing conclusions about the memo (only found on a "liberal site," no letterhead, no signature) without seeing it firsthand, and seemed quite distressed by the fact that he doesn't get copied on this stuff like he should. Nice allusion to the "60 Minutes" memo as well - Ass Rocket is starting to appear like a greying, shriveled Bob Denver wearing his white "Gilligan" hat to auto shows and grocery store openings.

The circle jerk widened to include the shrill Michelle Malkin, who's post acknowledging the discovery of the GOP author is entitled "The Schiavo Memo and the Search for Answers," a disingenuous "Gosh-Golly! What in the world is going on!?!" headline which more accurately should have read, "Please hold the pickle on my shit sandwich." While Malkin herself stayed on the periphery of this dog fight, she rushes to defend her pals, quoting PL that if the MSM had reported this better, bloggers could have gotten their spin right in the first place: "Power Line patiently recaps the dismal reporting that led bloggers to ask questions in the first place." Yeah, thanks for your patience, Power Line. Now who's talking down to the public as if they were half-retarded in-breds?

Now comes my favorite neocon affectation, when they've been caught with their pants down. As with Michael Savage and Rush Limbaugh before, the ball-busting Michelle Malkin suddenly becomes a quivering, delicate flower being pummeled by "left-wing goons" (Big Trunk's words) for her rush to judgment, or at the very least, her choice of compatriots. Neocons make a very good living as rabble-rousers, chicken hawks, slanderous name-callers, and GOP propagandists, but when they overstep their bounds and end up with egg (or salad dressing) on their faces, it's those big, mean, unrelenting, heartless liberals that act like Abu Ghraib prison guards.

In the words of a former co-worker who, on a first (and last) date, tried to fart and ended up shitting his pants, "you gambled and lossed."

Posted by Corey Anderson at April 7, 2005 10:28 AM

 

President holds productive cabinet meeting

Filed under: American Idle

The president held a productive filing cabinet meeting Tuesday with Gladys Tanner from payroll. Ms. Tanner showed the president how to use the cabinet's keypad locks, and the president complimented Ms. Tanner on her alphabetizing.

Posted by Corey Anderson at April 6, 2005 10:03 AM

 

Michael Jackson arrives at his child molestation trial looking like creepy child molestor

Filed under: American Idle

Looks like someone needed a little Jesus Juice to get himself to the trial in one piece.

Posted by Corey Anderson at April 5, 2005 3:42 PM

 

Has Ms. Deaf Minnesota heard about this?

Filed under: American Idle

Well, it does say she could stand, so I guess stepping down is an option.

Posted by Corey Anderson at April 5, 2005 2:58 PM

 

Father takes "Schiavo!" on the road

Filed under: American Idle

The camera loves ya, baby! Not content with the bright lights of CNN and FOX, and not financially secure after selling the list of his daughter's financial supporters to a conservative direct-mail house, Terri Schiavo's dad, Bob Schindler, is going on the road with his one man show "Shiavo!" Sponsored by the Center of the American Experiment, "Schiavo!" will tour rec centers, church basements, and gun shows, raising money for Tom Delay's re-election campaign.

Posted by Corey Anderson at April 2, 2005 7:58 AM

 

More like Louse-enberg

Filed under: American Idle

Some Commie pinko senator from New Jersey, Frank Lautenberg, has written a big sob letter to our national hero, Tom Delay, over Congressman Delay's comments about the activist judges that let Terri Schiavo die. Hey, Senator Mobster! Ever hear of the First Amendment? You commie liberals love wrapping yourself in the First Amendment until a brave soldier for Christ like Tom Delay uses it to tell the truth and then you start crying in your lattes! You love the First Amendment when it means you can fill our TVs with filth and sex! Jon Stewart spewing Moaist screeds! Jim Belushi kissing people! Kotex commercials! Now it's your turn, Jersey boy, to suck it up and take it!

Posted by Corey Anderson at April 1, 2005 5:01 PM

 

My president is unleaded

Filed under: American Idle

Someone asked me other day if I thought George W. Bush farted. In the words of Jimmy Swaggart, I wanted to kill him and tell God he died! You don't get to be the President of the United States by tooting your won horn, as it were. W's an ordinary guy, a guy you can sit around and drink beer with, a guy you can go duck huntin' with, but farting? You let me and my rottweiler, James A. Baker III, worry about that. Pooping in the bed too.

Posted by Corey Anderson at April 1, 2005 2:57 PM

 

Michelle, my (liberty) belle!

Filed under: American Idle

Dear Michelle Bachmann,

I like you, do you like me? Check yes for yes and no for no. Do you remember that from middle school? Those were more innocent times. I remember getting one of those notes from the janitor at the school. I kept asking him while we were in his broom closet which pretty virgin told him to give me that note, but he just smiled at me, softly wimpering. Where was I? Oh yes! Michele Bachmann! She could be the next president in my book, if she wasn't a woman. It's bad enough these liberal professors and school teachers want to burn the Bible as an experiment in science class, now they want to use the Constitution and the Bill of Rights like those paper ovals you use on toilet seats at airport bathrooms - only the center wouldn't be cut out! Michele Bachmann stay strong, and if you ever need a back rub or something, just give me call!

Posted by Corey Anderson at April 1, 2005 12:26 PM

 

From Freedom Fries to Delay Tubes!

Filed under: American Idle

To honor our distinguished congressman from Texas, Mr. Tom Delay, I hereby declare that feeding tubes should now be called Delay tubes! That's right, as I sit here this morning, finishing the last of the frozen Freedom Fries from my freezer (a lotta Fs!) I thought of how to show my respect to the only man in America who didn't even cringe at the site of that gaping maw and that glassy-eyed stare. No sir, he hopped on his horse of justice and road to the Capitol steps to save Terri Schiavo's life from her Commie husband and those activist judges who call themselves Republicans, but we know the truth now, don't we? Next time I'm in the hospital, I'm sayin' "Hook me up with one of those Delay tubes and let me take a nap for a spell! And don't pull the plug unless Hillary gets elected president!"

Posted by Corey Anderson at April 1, 2005 11:25 AM

 

Keep Pope Alive!

Filed under: American Idle

Can they implant Pope John Paul's brain into Terri Schiavo's body? Just curious.

Posted by Corey Anderson at April 1, 2005 10:31 AM

 

Does Satan spin the discs at Norwegianity?

Filed under: American Idle

Shield your eyes from the heretical set list my brother in Christ, Mark Gisleson, has put forth in his Friday Random Ten! While the Christian soldiers Charlie Daniels and Toby Keith inspire my typedy-typing today, Gis is listening to blasphemy in stereo! The Eagles? Long-haired hippies! Aretha Franklin? I'll respect you when you get back in the kitchen and make me dinner! The Beach Boys? Drugs and sex! The Beatles? Satan's rhythm section, to be sure. Elvis? Drugs and sex! Led Zeppelin? Drugs and sex! I'm Fed-Exing my extra copy of Freedom's Light by Sen. Orrin Hatch to you, Gisleson, and hope it's not too late.

Posted by Corey Anderson at April 1, 2005 10:05 AM

 

Bypass Sin City!

Filed under: American Idle

That director of that El Macarena movie has an evil pile of filth being splattered on to movie screens this weekend called "Sin City." Those womanizers Bruce Willis and Benjamin Del Toro are in it, as well as Hollywood harlots Jessica Alba and Rosary Dawson. Concubines! Me and the missus are probably going to see The Passion again, or maybe Ice Princess with that comely little virgin Michelle Trachtenberg.

Posted by Corey Anderson at April 1, 2005 9:44 AM

 

American Idle Friday Random Ten (4/01)

Filed under: American Idle

Joining God-fearing patriot Michelle Maklin, here's the American Idle Friday Random Ten:

1. How Great Thou Art - Elvis Presley
2. Let the Eagle Soar - John Ashcroft
3. Hot Diggity (Dog Ziggity Boom) - Perry Como
4. Church in the Wildwood - Hee Haw Gospel Quartet
5. (How Much Is) That Doggie in the Window? - Patti Page
6. It Ain't a Rag It's a Flag - Charlie Daniels
7. Freedom's Light - Orrin Hatch
8. American Soldier - Toby Keith
9. God Bless America - Kate Smith
10. He's Got the Whole World in His Hands - Mormon Tabernacle Choir

Posted by Corey Anderson at April 1, 2005 7:09 AM

 

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