South by Southfork
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Imported
From the man who brought us Monster-In-Law, Robert Luketic, comes the feature film version of Dallas, the primetime soap that featured the salacious antics of the Ewing clan of Texas, slated for 2006. American Idle has assisted Mr. Luketic in the casting process for our usual fee. No, make it a 24-pack this time...
 J.R. EWING Played by Larry Hagman |
 BILLY BOB THORNTON Set Asshole Meter to 11... and action! |
 SUE ELLEN EWING Played by Linda Gray |
 SHARON STONE She was born 46 years ago to play this part |
 MISS ELLIE Played by Barbara Bel Geddes |
 JUDI DENCH Classy Brit wows with home-spun air and Texas drawl |
 JOCK EWING Played by Jim Davis |
 CLINT EASTWOOD Flinty, crusty, dying during shooting can be written in |
 CLAYTON FARLOW Played by Howard Keel |
 FRED THOMPSON Just in case Clint dies during shooting |
 BOBBY EWING Played by Patrick Duffy |
 MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY Native Texan has already perfected the gullible blank stare |
 PAM EWING Played by Victoria Principal |
 SANDRA BULLOCK mousy, perky, almost over the hill |
 GARY EWING Played by Ted Shackelford |
 OWEN WILSON Comic relief cameo, spring-board for Knots Landing re-imagining |
 LUCY EWING Played by Charlene Tilton |
 PARIS HILTON Bikini-clad at the edge of the Southfork swimming pool during the whole movie |
 RAY KREBBS Played by Steve Kanaly |
 DWIGHT YOAKAM Recaptures that Sling Blade magic with Thornton |
 CLIFF BARNES Played by Ken Kercheval |
 TOMMY LEE JONES Hang-dog expression perfect for ne'er-do-well Cliffy |
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