ExxonMobil releases oil reserves from CEO's chin

AP -- Exxon Mobil Corp. had a quarter for the record books. The world's largest publicly traded oil company said Thursday high oil and natural-gas prices helped its third-quarter profit surge almost 75 percent to $9.92 billion, the largest quarterly profit for a U.S. company ever, and it was the first to ring up more than $100 billion in quarterly sales.

Congratulations. We're just really, really happy for you guys. Hope I don't shatter my frozen fingers applauding your impending fourth-quarter earnings.