I Wish I Had an Oscar, Mr. Mayer

I am one of those utter feebs who gets super torqued about the Oscar telecast. Traditionally, I watch at home and make a tasty cheese fondue (dipping gestures synchronize nicely with bitchy comments.) This year, I'm attending a big public Oscar party for the first time. I'm a little nervous, because I like to actually watch the show, and I fear the drunken crowd might overshadow the proceedings.

Strangely, this year I haven't seen any of the "Best Picture" nominees. Here's my understanding of them:

Finding Neverland: Johnny Depp is hot. I could cut Stilton on those cheekbones. Kate Winselt has consumption and nice tits. Unfortunately, she doesn't wee-wee on herself like in that Harvey Keitel movie. There are some kids I'm supposed to think are adorable moppets, but they're probably annoying. Moments of wide-eyed wonder abound.

The Aviator: Leonardo DiCaprio walks around with Kleenex boxes on his feet. Then Mr. Burns pulls a gun on Smithers and tries to make him get inside a miniature plane. Cate Blanchett's eyes get all freaky-looking when she holds the One Ring.

Million Dollar Baby: Hilary Swank really stretches by playing a grimly determined butch. Matt Damon wasn't filming anything concurrently because Hilary got to wear The Teeth that month. Clint Eastwood looks like one of those withered hotdogs on the abandoned spit at Kwik-Trip. I heard there's a major twist at the end of this movie. Hint: The aliens are allergic to water.

Ray: This is a film about the life of Jamie Foxx. He's obviously the most talented entertainer in the world, so why wouldn't there be a biopic about his life already? The film is called Ray because Jamie Foxx is a blinding ray of sunshine sent from God.

Sideways: After ten long years, Virginia Madsen finally responds to the dirty letter I sent her. Her note reads: "Dear Diablo. It was nice to hear that you masturbated during the scene in Candyman where you can see my boob. You should come over some time. Me and my Sideways costar Sandra Oh want to take turns lapping artisinal clover honey off your lady business. Love, Virginia."