« Previous Post | Main | Next Post »

Oscar hangover

Filed under: Imported

What a shame Natalie Portman didn't win the Best Supporting Actress trophy last night. I was so looking forward to hearing another saccharine speech declaring Mike Nichols to be "the best daddy ever." The bile spikes in my throat. Can you imagine a male actor of similar stature making such an ingratiatingly creepy statement? Besides, as I've said before, I prefer toothy Keira Knightley to her boring, highly regarded doppelganger. Garden State was fun because of Zach Braff ("Could Eat No Fat") and Peter Sarsgaard, not because of Natalie Portman. I kept waiting for her character to have an epileptic seizure, and it didn't happen. Who makes a movie with an epileptic character and doesn't deliver with a money shot?

Mirror Universe Natalie (upon revival): "That was the strangest seizure I ever had. I saw bright colored lights. And then I thought I was having sex with you. You put a Scrubs promotional washcloth between my teeth so I wouldn't swallow my tongue, and then you barebacked it for about fifteen minutes while your friend took pictures."

Mirror Universe Zach Braff: (zipping jeans) "Fascinating how the brain works, eh?"

Other than the minor misfortune which befell Ms. Portman (did you notice her slightly bloated, tear-stained visage when she presented later on?), I thought the Oscar telecast was a first-class snooze. Virginia Madsen looked appealingly blowsy; she's the non-brain-injured man's Melanie Griffith. The severed Oscar parts arranged onstage made a ghastly tableau (was that a tribute to the cinematic tour-de-Dorff that was Saw?) I liked seeing Sean "Puffy" Combs up there doing the wide-eyed earnest naif routine he tends to affect at Hollywood events. "So this is the Oscars!" Whatever, Puff. You've been linked to multiple shootings and routinely eject A-listers from your parties; I highly doubt an awards show has your undies in a twist. I think he thinks that if he behaves in a non-threatening, aw-shucks manner, he'll get offered more movie roles. Hitch, he aint. Puffy is the inverse of Justin Timberlake in that he's a stone cold thug and desperately wants to seem innocuous.

I was very pleased that Hilary Swank and her conspicuous ass cleavage won another Oscar. Would I be a jerk if I said it was because I don't like Annette Bening? I just don't. Maybe I'm jealous; she effortlessly tamed a famous womanizer (Warren, duh), had like four of his babies, and has still managed to maintain a successful career playing shrieking harridans. She always looks so smug and cool. You know Annette Bening never looks in the mirror and thinks "Do I look butch with my hair like this?" even if she has reason to be concerned.

Hilary, however, is a dork, and I root for dorks. She's married to Chad Lowe! IIRC, he played a guy with AIDS on Life Goes On. If you play a guy with a major disease and/or disability, but your character's disease/disablity isn't even the primary disease/disability featured on the show, you're officially a third-stringer. Of course, that also means Hilary's related through marriage to Rob Lowe, which is kind of cool. I'd beg him to do his Stone Phillips impression at family gatherings. Or I'd say shit like, "Let Rob take the picture of the cousins! He loves pointing cameras at the underaged!" And everyone would get all pissed and shit. That's what I'd do.

Posted by Diablo Cody at February 28, 2005 12:58 PM

« I Wish I Had an Oscar, Mr. Mayer | Main | Bo Bice is Nice! By Amelia Huff, Age 10 »