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I Smell Popcorn!

Filed under: Imported

I recently discovered that penning a screenplay is far, far easier than writing a book. Now I'm flush with ideas for potential movies. Like:

Miss Vaginiality: Maisy (Rebecca Gayheart) is a gawky FBI agent with a heart of gold. When she learns of a Mafia plot to murder bukkake queen Pearly Collabones, Maisy is forced to go undercover as a porn star. Appalled to find herself partnered with the Bureau's "loose cannon" (Martin Lawrence) Maisy nearly quits. But when she wins the AVN award for Best New Star, Bukkake Division, Maisy realizes a thing or two about life...and love. The laughs "cum" fast and furious in this summer's hottest hit!  (PG)

Mona: Set in 1987, this family dramedy tells the story of Jeremy (Shia LaBeouf), a young boy who experiences a sexual awakening while watching an episode of Who's the Boss? Determined to fly to Hollywood and meet Katharine Helmond (Doris Roberts), Jeremy organizes an all-school pajama party to raise money for the flight. But an encounter with his best friend's wisecracking grandmother (Tim Conway) teaches him that sexually aggressive old women aren't just on TV. In Mona even the best laid plans...have wrinkles! (PG-13)

Loni Darko: Tansy (Loni Anderson) has been having weird hallucinations lately. Every night, she hears the beckoning whispers of a man-sized rabbit in the yard (Burt Reynolds). To solve this mystery, Loni must call her old friend Johnny Fever (Billy Connelley), who's been constructing a time machine in his basement. Will they have to travel back in time to 1979, or is the solution right under their noses? A climactic dance-off will reveal all. Spoiler: Tansy and Johnny go to Nogales, Mexico and acquire a ten-gallon drum of discount Haldol. (R)

Fat as Fuck: A spoiled heiress (Paris Hilton) is forced by her sadistic stepmother (Tim Conway) to eat nothing but foie gras and pots de creme for breakfast, brunch, lunch, linner and dinner. As a result, she begins to resemble Louie Anderson. Her Greek shipping magnate boyfriend (Nick Carter) quickly dumps her for Lindsay Lohan (Jamie-Lynn Spears), and Paris is left sobbing into her pulverized duck liver. However, a kindly gardener (Louie Anderson) teaches her that looks aren't everything when you've got smarts...and heart! Unfortunately, Paris doesn't have either. Then she gets hit by a Ski-Doo in Aspen. The end. (XXX)

Posted by Diablo Cody at March 16, 2005 10:57 AM

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