Cody Weighs in on Holmes/Cruise Blues

Before I get to the succulent, meaty center of the baffling Katie Holmes/Tom Cruise hookup, I thought I'd share some ramblings from the vault. Here's what I wrote about Katie Holmes on the old Pussy Ranch back in December of 2003:

So this morning (after my stomach leapt into my esophagus, unleashing a torrent of vomit that looked uncannily like the cloudy shots we consumed last night), I flopped down on the couch and watched an old Saturday Night Live. Katie Holmes was hosting. I've always been perplexed by Katie Holmes' continuing ability to land roles and remain in the public's collective embrace. I know at least two guys who, if asked which celebrity they had a jones for, would immediately name Katie Holmes. Weird.

I mean, I understand how she got the part on Dawson's Creek. They needed a stammering, attractive naif who could plausibly transition from no-nonsense tomboy to no-nonsense girlfriend over the course of a few seasons. But the show's over now. Why is she still visible? And why do so many people waste their celebrity crush energy on such a normal person? I mean, blah. She seems so nice, you know?

I could totally grok having a massive crush on Katie Holmes, if, say, she worked in the next cubicle or lived in your apartment building. But celebrity crushes are supposed to be reserved for enigmatic, fabulous, seemingly non-human stars.

Acceptable Celebrity Crushes

David Bowie (impossible to picture him pooping)
Tina Fey (brainy, mysterious scar)
Britney Spears (you can't have her, so you absolutely must)

Unacceptable Celebrity Crushes

Matt Damon (too nice, has put his penis inside his assistant's vagina)
Courteney Cox (pretty, but could never own you like Aniston does)
Natalie Portman (the Windows 95 to Keira Knightly's OS X)

All that said, I still feel the same way about Katie Holmes. And apparently 90% of American males still disagree with me--in Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, the titular goofballs drooled over Katie's topless scene in The Gift as if she were Phoebe Cates or something.

Anyway, Tom Cruise is kind of troll-like; I've never found him attractive. I don't need to see any more photos of him and Holmes grimacing at the camera in some far-flung locale. We get it. Tom Cruise can fuck moist-eyed starlets in Rome and we can't. Keep gloating, Shortbread.