Katie Holmes and the Yucky Blucky Fruitcake

(For those of you without kindergarteners underfoot, here is the book I am so coyly referencing in the title of this post. That's comedy.)

Seriously, bluck.

Katie Holmes' sweet, sweet mams are wasted on a scrote-groper like Cruise. Have you seen The Gift? She has stealth boobies*, my favorite kind!.

*Stealth boobies: noun. Breasts that look modest and unremarkable in clothing, but are revealed to be surprisingly large when bared. Usage: "Scarlett Johanssen whipped out some major stealth boobies in A Love Song For Bobby Long. I had no idea they were that big." There is also such a thing as reverse stealth boobies, a term which applies to breasts that look much smaller once the bra is removed. Also known as "cheating."

See? Look at that. Who knew?

I mean, I guess it's possible that they're madly in love and deserve well-wishes and blah-de-bloo, but I just feel weird about all this. Plus, the Eiffel Tower is so played out. All the cool people are getting engaged in Turkey.