Brangelina

Today I was buying some pork chops (they're trichinos-ensational!) at Cub and I happened to toss the latest issue of Us Weekly onto the conveyor. The headline was something about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's impending nuptials.

The clerk, a young woman, glanced at the magazine, then looked at me. "I want them to get married," she said solemnly, almost challenging me to disagree.

"So do I," I replied confidently. "So do I."

She grinned. "I thought I was the only person on Angelina's side!" she exclaimed, relieved.

I wouldn't say I'm on Angelina's side, per se, since such complicated matters of the heart rarely involve a purely innocent or purely guilty party. But I do think Brangelina is a more compatible couple than Braniston. I never understood why everyone thought Brad and Jen seemed like a good match in the first place. Superficially, they were both sunkissed and conventionally attractive, but Brad always struck me as a confident and eccentric (much like Angelina) while Jennifer, in her interviews, comes off as humble, down-to-earth, and slightly damaged. There's no way she enjoyed living in Brad's chilly architecture-geek mansion...you know Aniston needs a good La-Z-Boy to watch Beaches on. She's the kind of girl you can take to T.G.I. Friday's, while Brad and Angelina probably subsist solely on Marlboros, Ketel One and thinly-sliced Kobe beef served on hot stones. Brad doesn't strike me as a real brain trust, but he thinks he's smart and he thinks he's found his equal in that stunning weirdo. Shockingly, she seems to agree with him.

I guess I feel sort of sorry for Jennifer. She's handled this whole thing gracefully and hasn't gone all psycho-ex on anyone in the press. That said, I'm still on Team Jolie. We alleged "homewreckers" need to stick together, and she hasn't done jack to earn that distinction. (Few women do--I love the misconception that any woman who gets involved with a separated guy must be singlehandedly responsible for the dissolution of his marriage.) Either way, I can't believe anyone is actually scandalized by this. Can you imagine how they would have reacted if Brad and Jen had had children? Get a rope! Hang the whore high!