Settle in for a good old fashioned Pussy Rant!

For the past day or so, I've been ruminating on a provocative and age-old topic: Why do talented and charismatic men--I speak chiefly of rock stars here--seem to prefer the company of giggling, inarticulate teen girls to that of talented, charismatic women their own age?

OK, stop snickering at my incredulity and allow me to expound: I know there's a biological imperative for men chasing underaged pussy, and I can't blame them for desiring the physical company of slack-jawed, pert-breasted adolescents. Makes perfect sense, really. (Recently, someone told this kneeslapper in a staff meeting: "Q: What do you call a man who's attracted to 14-year-old girls? A: Heterosexual.") I know all about the obvious pleasures of firm young flesh. But I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about companionship. I'm talking about long-term relationships and in some cases, marriage. That goes beyond sex. And this is precisely where I get confused.

At the height of Led Zeppelin's fame, Jimmy Page was heavily involved with a 14-year-old groupie named Lori Maddox. (Who, incidentally, bears an uncanny resemblance to '70s-era Kitty Pryde in that shot. Yeah, I'm a geek.) Anyway, when I was 14, I was semi-alluring in that long-haired nymphet way, but you definitely wouldn't want to have engaged me in conversation. I was giggly, nervous, immature, shrill and largely uninformed about most topics. In other words, I was 14. Therefore, I can't fucking grok that Jimmy Page spent a year and a half courting this girl. Can you imagine being this mysterious, charismatic rock god and having to deal with a sullen, clingy teen on a day to day basis? "Jimmy, where's my hair dryer? Jimmy, I've got my period. I love you, Jimmeeeee!"

Why, then, did he do it? Lori Maddox was obviously a succulent young thing, and I'm sure she was clever for her age, seeing as she managed to bag both Bowies while she was still in a training bra. But there's no way she was articulate enough, or mature enough, to be an appropriate companion for a guy of Page's age and experience level. Something in her interactions with Page must have been lacking. And don't argue that the sex kept them together--rock stars are notoriously fickle about pussy, and there's no way that million-dollar squeezebox kept the God of Fuck entertained for 18 months straight. He must have been fulfilled by the actual relationship in some way to keep it going for that long, at the peak of his success.

Mick Jagger is another guy I don't get. He's like 60, and yet he routinely pursues relationships--relationships, not just sex--with young model types. This doesn't make sense. Ideally, an old goat like Mick should be married to Marianne Faithfull. Think about it: They're both witty, caustic, aging sex symbols. They're both talented. They fucked circa "As Tears Go By," which means at some point, Mick thought a women like Marianne was worthy of his spunk. What changed? I know some of you are like "But Marianne Faithfull is a decrepit old junkie now!" Yeah, well, so is Mick. And yet, I don't hear anything about Marianne Faithfull banging 20-year-old Brazilian dudes. Chances are, a youngster like that couldn't hold her interest. Mick, Rod, seriously: wouldn't it be eminently more satisfying to grow old with an interesting and well-traveled companion than with a barely-legal golddigger who's never heard of Hullabaloo? (I'm not dissing all age-disparate relationships; I know plenty of great couples with ten or twenty years between them. This is different.)

I guess if I was a rock star, I would want to be with a really cool chick. A chick who could go head-to-head with my roadies on rock trivia. A chick who would encourage me to invest my money wisely, rather than blowing it on ostentatious luxuries for herself and her friends. A chick who was mature enough to be my equal. The idea of enduring a transcontinental flight next to a 14-year-old is less than appealing, isn't it? How many adolescent mindgames can you play before you long for the relative intellect of that 30-year-old publicist you met back in Baltimore?

But that's just me. Guys who are young, dumb and full 'o cum bore me senseless. I'd rather be with a guy who's graying at the temples and gives great head than bother with some monosyllabic twink.

My theory, at last, is this: Rockers fuck these women because they're lithe and tasty and forbidden. That part is simple. But they date and marry these women because they (the women) are attractively powerless. When your entire persona hinges on the air-pressure in your ego, you can't be with a women who poses a threat to your primacy. It's much smarter to find a mute ornament--she'll impress your hoary friends without challenging you intellectually or creatively. Younger women are more deferential by nature. No 14-year-old is going to tell Jimmy Page he's not a genius. No swimsuit model is going to tell Rod Stewart that his Great American Songbook album is unlistenable. Eric Clapton doesn't have to worry that his beaming, fertile young bride will head into the studio one day and cut an album that surpasses anything he's done in years. These women are safe, because they're not equals. Also, they're capable of bearing the rocker more progeny. Don't forget that. Every wrinkled Hall of Fame coot needs a "status toddler" to prove he can still get it up.

I guess you could get all philosophical and argue that jaded rock stars are enchanted by the relative innocence and exuberance of teenage girls. The Penny Lane thing. But still, that's got to get old. Doesn't it?