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Why Do Guys Do This? Part II: The Disemboweling

You may recall my somewhat-infamous rant about accomplished older men dating hysterical teenage dopes. Lately, I've been ruminating on a different--and equally fascinating--facet of male behavior. I've nicknamed it "The Old Hate n' Switch," (or, for efficiency's sake, TOHNS.) Read on for an explanation.

My fateful encounter with TOHNS occurred when I was 20. I was dating a painter named Jake who was, in retrospect, a pretentious douchepacker. Nevertheless, I thought he was flawless and cleared my schedule to accomodate his every whim. Jake worked at a coffee shop with a girl named Hannah. She was an attractive and personable young women with ample tits. And yet (pay attention here kids), Jake saw fit to constantly slam Hannah behind her back. He frequently talked about how ugly he thought she was, how fat, how slutty, how dumb, utterly repulsive. These insults were spontaneous, entirely unprovoked and rather baffling. I'd usually respond by saying something like "Gee, she doesn't look like a bloated sow to me," or "Actually, I think Hannah seems pretty cool."

Anyway, Jake seemed obsessed with making it excruciatingly clear to myself and others that he thought Hannah was a vile whore who'd emerged from Satan's colon. So you can imagine my shock when one day, out of the clear blue, he dumped me for her. He didn't just fuck her, folks--he actually fell for her.

I'd been TOHNS-ed.

This bizarre experience is more common than you may think. I know other women who've suffered this behavior. The story is always the same: "He hated her! He called her Krusty McSyph and told me he wouldn't fuck her with someone else's dick! How can he be engaged to her now?" Why indeed? Why on earth would a guy suddenly pursue a relationship with someone he'd vociferously dissed for months?

As I was typing the sad, self-pitying tale you see above, my celly rang. It was Jonny calling long-distance from Minnecrapolis. Perfect timing! Now I could get a male perspective. I read the entry to him, and he chuckled with jaded recognition. "Oh yeah. All guys do that. Even me. Want to know why?"

"Of course!" said I. "Explain it to me, dude."

"Well," Jonny said. "I can tell you right now that your little college boyfriend was always hot for Hannah. But he felt defensive and guilty about it because he was in a relationship with you. He wanted to spill his guts, but he obviously couldn't just say 'I want to fuck Hannah.' So he invented a cover story. 'I hate her' was code for 'I want her.' It was his double-blind method of confessing his crush to you. He was trying to tell you that he liked her."

"Fascinating," I said. "Tell me more."

"This phenomenon occurs on a smaller scale when guys are watching TV in a group," Jonny continued. "A really hot chick with big tits--Pamela Anderson, for instance--will come on the screen, and inevitably, one of the guys will say something like 'Yuck, what a whore' or 'Her tits are way too big.' When what he means is 'I want to fuck her.' They're embarassed by being turned on, so they couch their desire in disgust. Or like when a JoJo video comes on and I say 'God, it's so gross to see a young girl being sexualized like that' when what I mean is 'I think she's hot, and I'm ashamed of myself for it.'"

"You think JoJo is hot?" I said snickering.

"No, I...don't put that in the blog," Jonny protested.

"Don't be ashamed," I said. "I hear she acts as well as she sings."

"My point is, Jake's feelings for Hannah never changed," Jon said. "He was hot for her from the beginning. It's not like he actually thought she was a hideous hosebeast and then suddenly did a 180."

"And to think all this time I thought he dumped me because she had huge tits," I mused.

"Wait, you didn't mention that Hannah had huge tits. That changes everything," Jonny said.

"How come?" I asked, confused. "We've already established that Jake was attracted to Hannah in general. Her huge tits were a mere technicality."

"Titties are powerful," Jonny said. "With this new evidence, it's possible that Jake really did think Hannah was disgusting, but he was able to overlook her other flaws in order to gain access to the titties."

"You mean a guy will date a woman he finds revolting simply because she has big sweater muffins?" I said, aghast. "That's all it takes?"

"Yes."

"That's why I'm getting implants. It's time to to put the D in Diablo," I said.

Jonny, who is 21 years older than JoJo, bade me goodnight.

My curiousity is now satisfied, but I still marvel at the weirdness of the TOHNS maneuver. Guys, if you're attracted to a girl and you feel squicky about it, just keep it to yourself, OK? There's no need for this demented masquerade. Also? I'm on to you now. The next time I hear a guy dismiss a woman as a sloppy butterfaced halfwit, I'll know he's secretly warm for her form. And knowing is half the battle.

Posted by Diablo Cody at October 10, 2005 7:10 PM

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