Stop Hating Yourself

Maybe it's because I fraternize mainly with guilt-ridden liberals (being one myself), but I have no idea why Americans are perceived as pompous. Personally, I think this is one of the most sheepish, apologetic, self-loathing countries in the world.

In recent years, Americans have been conditioned to despise themselves. We're told that we're all bloated ignorami who should be ashamed to like Taco Bell, TiVo and Target-- and, astonishingly, we believe it. Because our President is stupid and shortsighted, our entire populace is regarded like a clone army of imbeciles. And so many Americans are totally OK with that. Why?

The criticism isn't always political, and it's not always overt. Sometimes it's more insidious. For instance, I keep seeing books with titles like French Women Don't Get Fat or Japanese Women Don't Get Old or Fat or The Jesus Diet of Bitter Herbs or You Fucking American Fatass, Why Don't You Eat More Chickpeas and Olives? Wow, I'm so sorry I actually like my NATIVE CUISINE. I'm sorry I was raised on cheeseburgers and tuna casserole and Tollhouse cookies and therefore THINK SAID FOODS TASTE DELICIOUS.

If anyone insinuated that the French should stop eating French food, people would be appalled. And yet America is perceived as a backward puppy that ought to be schooled in the ways of wiser civilizations. You know what? This condescending attitude toward the American diet is so friggin' xenophobic. America is diverse--perhaps frighteningly so for some sheltered types-- and that's why we have so many delightful bastardizations of foreign cuisines. I like bad Mexican and cheap Chinese and sodden soul food and lasagna that bears no resemblance to the stuff you get in Rome. We Americans are speed freaks, hedonists. We like convenience, variety, and huge portions. How is that a sin? Maybe I'd weigh less if I lived on grape leaves and chai, but I prefer my Chipotle and Frappucinos. America gets singled out for ridicule and chastisement again and again, even though we're certainly not alone in our jones for big food. I mean, there are lots of fat people on this planet, but none so maligned as the audacious American fatty. And it ain't right.

"But what about ze heart disease?" Hey Pierre-Jacques? You can lecture me about heart disease once you quit smoking.

It's not just food. A stupid show comes on TV and a friend remarks "This makes me ashamed to be an American." Why? Have you seen TV in other countries? They've got us licked in terms of stupid programming, believe me. People mock American pop culture, then ape it. Badly. And yet my PBS-subscribing, slow-food-enthusiast peers continue to feel ashamed of the fact that they live here. Despite the fact that WE are global tastemakers.

I'm embarassed by my government, but I refuse to be ashamed of my culture. Hell, I'm proud. I'm proud of our Big Gulps and giant movie theaters and stores that sell food and shoes. I wish we'd pull out of Iraq and legalize gay marriage, but what does that have to do with The Bachelor? I refuse to throw out The Bachelor with the bathwater. I refuse to let haters dictate what I should eat, watch, listen to or patronize. This country will never be Luxembourg, folks. It will never be slow, charming, mindful, or remotely Old World. You want unspoiled countryside and leisurely four-hour meals? Book a ticket, 'cause it ain't happening here.

Seriously, I don't want to hear any more apologies or red-faced admissions. Stop hating yourself because of where you were born, or the fact that you think putting cookie batter in ice cream was a good idea. Stop hating yourself for taping All My Children or preferring Dean Koontz to Proust. You're a product of your culture like anyone else, and it's not a reflection on your intellect or self-discipline. To me, the phrase "ugly American" is as offensive as "ugly Asian." It's called STEREOTYPING and it's gross.