BAWWW! Blogebrity gets the poo face!

I'm not one of those bloggers who concerns herself with the blogging "scene," if there is such a thing. I'm pretty introverted by nature (no fooling), and even kind messages from strangers tend to trip my freak-out circuitry. Attend a blog-con in a strange city? I'd rather swill piss. Too many new people.

In fact, I don't even classify myself as a blogger-- more as a writer who lazily employs an electronic medium for self-publishing purposes. I couldn't cop a real writing gig in 2001, so I hand-coded a cornball site where I could post florid, self-centered rants about my own misfortune. The idea of an online community of LMFAO!-ing kinfolk didn't occur to me. Sure, I've swapped my share of links in an attempt to inflate my own hit count (and recognize bitches wit' talent) but I've never been an Uberblogger by any stretch of the vajay-jay.

That said, I'm fairly certain I'm one of a very select few bloggers who's actually had their blog adapted into a book by a major publisher. MOVIE STUFF NOTWITHSTANDING. I'm not even going to involve Juno in this shameless audit. I'm saying, consider the book as its own entity. Consider the fact that this blog was my only springboard. Then tell me why I'm not on the Blogebrity list.

Is it because I'm ugly? Obscene? Too smart? Not smart enough? Should I have replied to those well-meaning emails from Denmark? Should I have participated in those titillating personality surveys that beseech me to inform all my friends of my Favorite Snack and Hopes for the Future?

(The answers, for those who yearn: Chex Mix and total war.)

Somehow, I must have fucked up somewhere along the way. How am I not a Blogebrity? I mean, if Blogebrity status is determined solely by numbers, then I understand. I don't get a ton of hits relative to other blogs, but I like that. I like our exclusivity, don't you? We're a special club, you and I! We like pussy. I offer up my pussy to you, with gratitude. You can always rely on me to lay it all out there, whereas other bloggers simply allude to their darker yearnings.

Damn you, Blogebrity! Will I never be good enough?

(And yes, I noticed they include an email address so wannabes can "beg us to call you cool" or some such nonsense. Rest assured that I do not beg unless Jonny is waving his dick in my face.)