The DaVinci Chode

I just read that Dan Brown, the loaded and prolific author of The DaVinci Code, gets up at four a.m. to write, seven days a week. Oh, and get this: he keeps an hourglass on his desk and uses it to carefully time periodic breaks...during which he does crunches and push-ups.

Basically, Dan Brown is the anti-Diablo. I don't know if I should be jealous, resentful, or totally reverent.

Think of it this way: When I start my typical writing day, Dan Brown has already been plugging away for eight hours. His triceps are probably spasming from all those "breaks." I bet Dan Brown's breakfast doesn't consist of Diet Dr. Pepper. I bet he doesn't take a 2:00 masturbation break every day, followed by an unplanned and yet utterly predictable disco nap. I bet he doesn't have a pole in his living room (though I bet he could bust out some killer Vitruvian Man-inspired moves. His burlesque name could be Templar Storm.)

I want to be mentored by Dan Brown. Think what he could do for my career if he came here for just a week and whipped my ass into shape! He could teach me how to be a disciplined writer, and I could share my controversial theory about how the Holy Grail appears briefly in a Lil' John video, brimming with Crunk Juice. We would learn, laugh and love. He could give me some money.

I joke, and yet self-loathing gnaws at my core. I'd better get to work.