September 2006

Timesuck Alert!

I am really enjoying the Parody Motivator Generator.

Posted by Diablo Cody at September 22, 2006 2:52 PM

Reunion

What a lazy weekend. Catatonic, even. I'm wearing those fuckin' Crocs. My feet look like big plastic legumes. I added orthotic insoles for extra cushion. I am 90.

I require such simple comforts after a week that involved copious booze, Ativan, the emergency room at Cedars Sinai, four pitches, and so much raw fish that I briefly thought I'd hallucinated myself into a Heathcliff cartoon. I may take a bath in the soaking tub tonight. Stretch out the old arms and pretend to be Jim Morrison in Paris. Wash off the stink of privilege.

Anyway, now I'm nervous because my ten-year high school reunion is in two weeks. In Chicago. And in an unexpected twist, I'm going. I say "unexpected" because I don't normally haul my carcass all the way to the airport simply to attend sentimental, Proustian celebrations commemorating OUR ONWARD MARCH TOWARD SENILITY/SEXLESSNESS/THANKLESS GRANDPARENTHOOD. Ten years is a weird one, anyway. Everyone just looks like a bloated, slightly exhausted version of their former self. At the median age of 28, approximately 45% of my fellow classmates will be married, and I'd wager 30% will have spawned. I went to a tony Catholic school with a 99% college placement rate, so most people will be professionals or PhDs. There will be fledgling doctors and full-blown attorneys. And one stripper-turned-writer, who's sure to elicit stares and nods and Letterman references.

I'm really excited to see a lot of people, though. High school is a death march for most kids, but I actually loved that time in my life. I had grown up among dullards in a scummy town, so when my parents shipped me off to Benet, I was thrilled to be suddenly acquainted with smart, WASP-y kids who didn't say "ain't" or tease their bangs. These kids could ski. They liked that I was thin and my hair was flat. I had resisted the idea of going to Benet. ("I won't know anybody!") but I quickly realized anonymity was a gift. I reinvented myself as a saucy cocktease and enjoyed a four-year scholastic career that culminated in my being crowned prom queen. High school was so fun that I suspect it ruined college for me.

I did go to my five-year reunion back in 2001, right before I met Jonny. At the time, the words "open bar" translated to "free-for-all." Hence, I got plowed on tequila sunrises and wound up ralphing in Mike's commode at least three times. I remember most of my old friends didn't bother going (mainly because we all still lived within shouting distance of each other in Chicago and hung out frequently, thus negating the purpose of a reunion.) This time will be different. It'll be necessary.

I wonder who's gay?

Posted by Diablo Cody at September 17, 2006 12:36 PM

Something's missing.

Namely, my co-pirate.

I gotta get my tochis home and see this guy!

Posted by Diablo Cody at September 13, 2006 2:49 PM

Priceless accolades.

I was just named "Offical Stripper of Radio Europe." Thanks, Maurice!

Message to Twin Citians (Schwinn Tittians): If you're an art nerd/collector, head to the Soap Factory this weekend for their $99 Sale. One of the "secret artists" is yours truly, and for a mere $99, you could claim an original Work of Genius by me (or by a legitimate art star.) The hook is that you won't find out who the artist/local celebrity is until you've bought the piece. TRICK-AY!

I don't know if Prince contributed to this exhibition, but I'm guessing his art is pretty easy to identify. Hint: Buy the purple velvet painting with gold braid and faux pearls hot-glued to the frame.

I miss Jonny terribly. I'll be home tomorrow, God willing. Meanwhile, I'm creating an iTunes playlist entitled "Gay." It contains most of the Annie soundtrack with a fruity splash of Chicago.

Posted by Diablo Cody at September 13, 2006 2:04 PM

The Best L.A. Quote of the Week

"I can't do lunch with you tomorrow. I'm meeting the Dalai Lama at 2:30."

Posted by Diablo Cody at September 12, 2006 11:33 PM

Lolito

I find myself painfully attracted to Chase from Zoey 101. Not so much the first photo, which has a forced "Blue Steel"-esque quality, to say nothing of the tragic blowout and pretentious headphones-as-accessory thing. No, I actually prefer the middle photo, where he's rockin' big hair and a beguiling grin. That's my baby.

Peg my ass!

Teach me to eat pussy!

Girls my own age do nothing for me! Begone, blurry minx!

Hey, the kid's employed at Nickelodeon. I'm sure he'll be quite adept at sliming my tits. OH SNAP!

P.S. Chase will be "legal" in July, '07. I'll keep my arthritic, liver-spotted hands off his Tender Vittles until then. But once July gets here...it's on. I told Jonny he can ravage Jamie-Lynn Spears, so all's fair.

Posted by Diablo Cody at September 5, 2006 5:12 PM

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