36-J

By Diablo Cody Sat., Oct. 7 2006 at 2:26 PM

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Jonny's birthday is today! I think October 7 should be declared a holiday. In the State of Diablochusetts, it already is. One more year of insight and hilarity from my darling souse--excuse me, spouse--is something to celebrate.

Due to diminished funds related to our recent house purchase, I had to get Jonny some pretty lame gifts. The booty hardly seemed sufficient, especially considering Jonny bought me the DEF! LEPPARD! JACKET! for my birthday. I thought to myself, "What would the songwriting team of Elton John/Bernie Taupin do if they were faced with this conundrum?"

Der!

Jonny's Song (to be sung to the tune of "Your Song.")

It's a little bit funny
This feeling within
My overactive Bartholin's glands
Have soaked me to the skin
I don't have much money-ey
'Cause we're total spendthrifts
I'm pretty sure we drank it all
In some stale-smelling pit

If I was a sculptor
But then again, no
I'm not into sculptures
Except that one in the video for "Hello"
Lionel Richie came out looking
Like a black Ron Perlman
That blind girl couldn't sculpt for shit
Except for the Jheri Curl, man

Chorus
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind
That I put down in prose
How sorry I am
That our savings went up my nose

I'm totally kidding!
I'M TOTALLY KIDDING!
I'm just giving you static
(And I also gave you HPV
Don't worry--most men are asymptomatic)

Love,
Brookie

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