November 2006

Paperback Writer

A surprise parcel arrived at my humble abode: 20 advance copies of the Candy Girl paperback! It feels so good to be finally rockin' a soft spine. Also, this edition features a beaming endorsement by my old chum Dave Letterman. I love being commodified. Enjoy my memoirs whilst flying coach, or perhaps upon the toilet.

(Diablo Cody: Now, Even Cheaper!)

The photoshoot today (for this local publication) was actually really entertaining. I lay down and did snow angels in a pile of cotton wadding while the art director tossed faux snow onto my parka. I even wore the hat I knitted from this incredibly advanced pattern last year. Yes, I looked like a total tardblog, but at least they did my makeup. ("Healthy" flushed cheeks courtesy of MAC. Tired, coarse skin courtesy of Absolut.)

I know I look fat in my lavender tights, but I can't make myself stop. I think I look totally kawaii, but instead I look like Hawaii. (The big island.)

Posted by Diablo Cody at November 27, 2006 3:05 PM

Stuffed

Thanksgiving was rad. Jonny and I dragged Rik and Missi along to the southwest 'burbs of Chicago, where my mother doted on us like a loving governess.

Now I have conjunctivitis or something and my right eye is epoxied shut with schmutz. I had to wake up twice last night and manually pry it open. Crispy! I have a photo shoot tomorrow, so I hope my eyeball has rallied by then.

Juno actually starts shooting in, like, two months (shiver) I CANNOT FUCKING WAIT.

I'm sorry I didn't post for like, ever. That Betty dye is searing my cooze and I can scarcely type for the blinding pain.

Posted by Diablo Cody at November 26, 2006 10:19 PM

Tempting!

Should I?

Posted by Diablo Cody at November 15, 2006 9:31 PM

PINK!

PINK!

PINK!

PINK!

(I'm definitely workin' a Paris Hilton wonky eye in that first picture. Attractive!)

I went running yesterday, which kicked my sedentary ass. Then I came inside and executed this teenage dye job. Just looking in the mirror makes me crave candy. I want to lick my own skull!

I had the weirdest dreams last night. I was hanging out with my two (deceased) grandmothers. We were having a frank discussion about masturbation. I can assure you that this would never have happened on the physical plane. Finally, one of them told me that she had discovered a newfangled exercise device that enabled her to have multiple orgasms in the lotus position. O-kay.

I've been writing a lot again, now that my laptop has returned to the realm of the living. I was in sleep-mode for a while there. Honestly, I wasn't doing anything. That familiar, uneasy feeling of stagnation inspired me to finally write an essay about the nervous breakdown I had when I was 19. I spent most of last week working on it, grooming it, playing picky-picky with adverbs. Yes, it's self-indulgent and rambling, but if I became selfless and coherent, would you still love me?

(Don't answer that.)

House of Carters is still amazing. Did anyone see it last night? The dad was such a Crown Royal lush. He looked like a partially mummified version of Aaron. I felt sorry for the stepmother, but then, I always do. Leslie needs a Cymbalta prescription, like, yesterday. I've never seen anyone cry so much. I think Angel is the most mysterious Carter. And that's all the thought I can possibly give to that show today, lest I inspire pity.

Posted by Diablo Cody at November 14, 2006 11:01 AM

Cheese Sandwich (Gruyere)

1.) I can't stop listening to Red Kross's cover of "Yesterday Once More" by the Carpenters. I'm totally hot for the bazoomy guitars, the chiming piano, the decisive coda. Jonny dowloaded it the other night while I was passed out, wasted, on the office futon. Normally once I'm out, I'm way out, but I sat bolt upright the instant the chorus axe-kicked me in the cranium.

2.) I love Roy Orbison.

3.) Two awesome humans sent me random presents today, which both thrilled me and reminded me how I never send people random presents. Unless I want to get in their pants or I want them to want to get in my pants (the Ouroboros that is my life). But that's inherently selfish, kind of like taking a hooker to Red Lobster in the hopes of getting better service/cervix later that night. God, I'd slay for some of those cheese breadsticks right now.

4.) I ate three bowls of cereal today. Two of generic Special K Red Berries, one of generic Golden Grahams. Vanilla soymilk. Earthenware Target bowl, rinsed perfuctorially between repasts.

5.) And I made a Tuscan pork chop skillet.

6.) I'm dressed for success in mint green sweatpants, a Yak Spackle T-shirt, brown Pumas, some tired makeup, and...aw, fuck it:

7.) I'm horny and am definitely going to masturbate soon.

8.) Jonny is at band practice.

9.) Jonny is home!

10.) The Republicans got pwned!

Posted by Diablo Cody at November 8, 2006 10:31 PM

Halloween Candy Review/Roundup

We passed out three (3) types of candy last night. Because Jonny did the shopping, the purchases were an obvious projection of his chocolate-centric fantasies. If I had been the designated treat-buyer, all the candy would have been some variation on chewy-gelatinous-sour-jelly-baby-gummy-fruity. But I like chocolate too, so no tantrums here.

I had never tried any of these three (3) treats, so here are my observations thereof:

Reese's White Chocolate Peanut Butter Cups: Holy bicycle! These taste like creamy psylocibin manna-nuggets. In other words: full-on vaginal orgasm nestled in an accordian-pleated wrapper. One of the best things I have ever tasted. Reese's PB is like no other PB; it's more like an ultrasweet, grainy sludge with vague peanut ancestry. I bet it would be a great facial exfoliant. Who wants to try it?

Reese's Caramel Peanut Butter Cups: I don't think Reese's Cups are wanting for a third ingredient. I do love caramel, but it just feels like interference here. A Cup is a two-part harmony that needs no embellishment. That didn't stop me from eating a couple of these, though. They should market them as a PMS food. Stack 'em up in the freezer case right next to the Chubby Hubby.

S'mores Bars: GAG! A real S'more is an experience, a memory. Not some dried-up little Mah Johng tile masquerading as a campfire treat. These taste like a bum splooged on a pretzel, then dunked the treasure in low-grade chocolate. MOST FOUL. These are Jonny's favorite, incidentally.

So there you have it. I do admire the simplicity of Jonny's purchases, especially since kids today have so much mutant freaky candy. Peanut occasionally gets these Harry Potter jelly beans that (intentionally) taste like puke, boogers, and soil. Seriously. I think the divorce rate is turning the younger generation into total masochists. "I don't deserve a Butterfinger until Mommy and Daddy stop hating each other! Now toss me another "Blood Clot"-flavored gummy!"

Posted by Diablo Cody at November 1, 2006 4:50 PM

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