January 2007

True Friends

To me, this candid image encapsulates all that is good about my friends:

In this photo, snapped last Wednesday, everyone is doing their own thing. Rik appears to be either chucking something or groping for more alcohol. Trixi (far right) is playing with her new Pebl and Brian is nerding out on the computer. It's as far from an awkward suburban meetup as you can get. It's more like a family just hangin'.

Remember this vintage quote from Britney Spears, before she became dumb?: "When you're comfortable with someone you love, the silence is the best. And, that's how me and (Justin) are. When we're in a room together, we don't have to say anything. It's for real."

Sage words, Brit.

Posted by Diablo Cody at January 31, 2007 10:05 AM

JT bites it!

Tonight on Degrassi (the greatest show since the other Degrassi), James Tiberius Yorke, the school's beloved mascot/whipping boy, got stabbed in the weiner aorta and went to the great Pharmacy in the Sky. Let us all bow our heads momentarily...and thank Jesus that it wasn't Ellie.

Jonny, for one, wasn't surprised by the plot twist: "Since the minute JT foot on that series six years ago or whatever, he's been the designated sacrificial lamb. I'm surprised he didn't die last season."

[I disagree. I've always thought of Craig as "Most Likely to be Iced by the Writers," since he's constantly buggin' out and causing a ruckus. Whether he's panhandling on the mean streets of the T.O. or disrupting a gay wedding, Craig can always be counted on to totally lose his shit. Even Kevin Smith couldn't save the guy from the inevitable 48-hour coke habit. Hopefully, Craig is seeing Jessie Spano's addiction counselor ("If You Don't Kick Within Two Episodes, You Get Your Money Back!")]

But JT could never catch a break. His small penis was alluded to repeatedly on the show, inspiring Toby's classic "roll of dimes" diss. He dated the most obnoxious character on the series (humorless Liberty, who'd sprain her face if she deigned to smile), knocked her up, O.D.'d on OxyContin, and then--once he was finally free of Liberty's umbilical noose--proceeded to rebound with teen mom Mia. (Did JT have a fertility fetish or something? And did any of my fellow Italians feel mildly offended tonight when Mia was referred to as "a spicy meatball sandwich?" I mean, Mia is WAY cheaper than the average toasted sub!)

The real surprise tonight was that Jay wasn't the one who knifed JT. Jay is usually the root of all evil at Degrassi, the smirking Old Scratch who sends everything topsy-turvy. (Remember when he spurted hot, sweet gonorrhea down Emma's virgin esophagus? Remember when he convinced Darcy to seduce* Spinner?)

*If "seduction" is defined as "blubbering in the woods like a tool." Nothing makes a guy feel more desirable than WEEPING while he touches you!

Anyway, I'd like to pour out a 40 oz. of Labatt's for our homie, JT. I hope heaven has a hot tub. A hot tub in which he may fart with impunity.

P.S. I miss Ellie's journalist boyfriend. He was like a hotter Zach Braff! Also, the way he constantly called her "Freshman" was so S&M.

P.P.S. Toby finally got some tonight! JT's already pumped Liberty and Meatball Sub full of jizz, so Toby deserves at least a little heavy smooching.

Posted by Diablo Cody at January 26, 2007 9:43 PM

Locals!

I'll be on the Current from 4:30 to 5:00 this afternoon. (89.3 Twin Cities, and 88.7 for my Rochester homies.)

Posted by Diablo Cody at January 25, 2007 1:33 PM

The Last of the Famous International Playgirls

I got a call from Playboy today, but sadly, they expressed no interest in aquiring nude photos of me. If only they knew what they were missing!

This is me, epitomizing the Playboy ideal. First of all, Hef reveres the "girl next door" archetype. What could be more wholesome than a young(ish) woman in the kitchen, the very nerve center of the domestic sphere? (Also, note the Xanax and Buspar next to the sink.)

Secondly, Playboy portraiture skews dreamy and artistic, rather than vulgar or obvious. What am I thinking? Am I contemplating something profound, or am I merely enjoying the breeze? My heart is an ocean of secrets.

Thirdly, Playmates must have cleavage. I am obviously sporting ample cleavage here. Look, I even have a tasteful tattoo on my cleavage!

(This photo was taken with my new minicam. I can't figure out why it looks like an oil painting, Maybe the camera was so taken with my classical beauty that it automatically applied a painterly filter. Or maybe I accidentally got lube on the lens ALREADY.)

ETA:

Shaft of Heavenly Light says: "YOU COULD BLIND SOMEONE WITH THAT ASS. GET A MYSTIC TAN OR SOMETHING!"

(That celestial phenomenon is getting an attitude!)

Posted by Diablo Cody at January 22, 2007 8:11 PM

Vancouver Hair

In a few weeks, I will be off to Vancouver to play "Lil' Tag-Along"(TM) on the Juno set. Writers generally aren't that welcome on sets, as we might spoil the proverbial broth. However, since this is a small, writerly movie and the folks involved are cool, I have been invited to come and gawk. I will offer input only if my input is directly solicited. I will not stick my grubby fingers in the broth. I will not dunk Saltines in the broth. I will not refer to the broth as "consomme," and I will not pointedly remind anyone that the broth originated in my bones.

Anyway, I wasn't about to go to swagger (read: tiptoe) onto my first official movie set wearing boring hair. So I went and got my shit fixed up on Saturday. For the first time since 2003, I give you: Goth Braids!

Shaft of Heavenly Light says: "YOU GOT FLAVA, GURL! THAT MUST BE HEAVY THOUGH. HOW OFTEN CAN YOU WASH IT? HAS ANYONE EVER ASKED YOU THESE QUESTIONS?"

Posted by Diablo Cody at January 22, 2007 11:05 AM

The most amazing quote ever

"Sexiness is about personality, creativity, and throwing water on yourself." -Bonez, I Love New York

So where am I right now? Not at Sundance, I'll tell you what. Where two or three cool kids shall gather, ne'er am I in their midst. No snowboarding or Bai Ling-spotting for me. However, I did go sledding today. Peanut and I hit a gnarly bump and I nearly bruised my coccyx. There was this amazing Jackass moment where we flew off our sled, flailed in midair like helpless ragdolls and landed in a heap. That was cool for about a second, then it sucked.

Then there was the matter of getting back up the hill. This is no ordinary sledding hill--in fact, it used to have a chairlift. Maybe people in Idaho or Cali are used to hills of this magnitude, but my mama didn't raise no goatherd. Also, I was wearing slippery-soled Doc Martens because it's eternally 1992 in my head and I am the Sassiest Girl in America. Anyway, l didn't have enough traction to climb the hill. I had to resort to getting on my hands and knees and crawling slowly, pathetically up the slope while a group of obnoxious children at the summit screamed because I was blocking their run.

Afterwards, we were drinking instant hot cocoa in the warming house (a cute, uniquely Northern invention) and this kid sidles up to me who was maybe 11 or 12. And he goes, "What, no hot cocoa for me?" He said it just like that--with the coy, practiced cadence of a man thrice his age-- and I swear he was flirting. Who is teaching today's (pre)adolescents to be mischievious and suave? They're supposed to be bumbling! BUMBLE, DAMMIT! BUMBLE WHILE YOU STILL CAN! RAGE, RAGE AGAINST THE ONSET OF THE SUAVE!

I bought him a cup of hot cocoa.

This weekend has been short, but lazy. Friday we did karaoke as usual and on Saturday we watched Children of Men in Rik and Missi's basement (aka "The Hatch") while the in-laws babysat. Children of Men (or as I call it Awesome Childless Utopia!) is a stunning acheivement, but it's not exactly my kind of movie. Put it this way: Jon Heder did not make a cameo. Nor did Sacha Baron-Cohen. There was only one lousy titty shot and an extremely brief, possibly CG'd glimpse of vag. No sex. Not a single moment of comic relief *SPOILER* (and no, I don't count Michael Caine farting.) *SPOILER*

The violence was not amusing. There were machine guns, but sadly, not this kind.

Today, there was Chinese food and sledding. Now, I'm going to enjoy the last few hours of my weekend-long diet holiday by copping a pint of Marsha Marsha Marshmallow and watching Surreal Life: Fame Games, which is no Children of Men but at least it doesn't feature operatic wailing over manipulative scenes of carnage.

And now--a new Pussy Ranch feature! Jonny Rates the Flicks! (In this edition, Jonny is joined by a Shaft of Heavenly Light that appears to be streaming into our kitchen.)

Here's Jonny's take on Children of Men:

The Yay: "The cinematography was remarkable. The handheld camera work added a heightened sense of realism. I like Clive Owen. I think he gave a sensitive performance that was really human."

The Nay: "I think it had every sci-fi cliche that's been used since Logan's Run. The wise man in the country who dies, the heroic innocent, the dystopian government army, etc. I spent the whole movie wanting someone to shoot the guy with the dreadlocks because I don't like hippies."

Overall: "It gets a meh. I liked Minority Report better."

Shaft of Heavenly Light adds: "WHEN MICHAEL CAINE FARTED, THEY SHOULD HAVE ADDED A FART NOISE IN POST. THE 'SILENT-BUT-DEADLY' DEVICE WAS A COPOUT. A BETTER DIRECTOR--ALMODOVAR, FOR INSTANCE--WOULD HAVE DEMANDED A GENUINE FART FROM CAINE."

Posted by Diablo Cody at January 21, 2007 7:24 PM

The obligatory Var mention

Variety is proof, you guys.

(Can you tell I don't quite believe it myself?)

And because it must be said, always: MALKOVICH, MALKOVICH, MALKOVICH!

Posted by Diablo Cody at January 19, 2007 10:15 AM

...And I don't care who knows it!

Regardless of how you feel about his music, John Mayer has been on a fucking tear lately re: his amusing blog.

The "P.B. Spredders" entry is especially choice.

Posted by Diablo Cody at January 19, 2007 10:08 AM

More on Jennifer Garner and Juno

Sweet!

Posted by Diablo Cody at January 18, 2007 8:10 PM

Hey, look!

I had a nice link-ified entry telling you all about how Ms. Jennifer Garner has just announced that she's going to be in Juno.

Then I somehow erased the entry, because I have a giant cock in my ear and I can't concentrate. So know this: Jennifer Garner is going to be in our movie. Obviously, we're psyched. There was a bit about it on MTV.com earlier today.

Aha! Here it is. (Scroll down past all that Scorcese garbage.)

Know this: I always get my woman.

Posted by Diablo Cody at January 18, 2007 12:08 PM

Candy Review!

I am currently killing a bag of Russell Stover's Net Carb Peanut Butter Cups, aka "Imitation of Christ." Now, I like Russell Stover. I like him even more since he divorced Kimora. But these sugarless PB cups are so totally busted compared to the Reese's variety. I appreciate that Russell recognized the demand for low-carb treats that approximate their decadent cousins, but wow-- these taste like pool chalk. The chocolate is Sad City and the peanut butter is Shame Gulch. Nevertheless, I will be probably purchasing these again.

Did I mention they give me gut-rot? Stabbing pains?

Look, Barnabas got a new T-shirt. Every time I see a photo of us together, it looks as if I'm grasping him cruelly in my giant, unyielding claw. I assure you that I'm very gentle. He is, after all, my little green bean.

So, the Golden Globes. I thought Reese looked hot-- all angular and shit, like the electric pencil sharpener of life just ejected her with a dry sputter. I like 'em hard. Hilary Swank was cute, and I like that she's an agentfucker. As for Sienna Miller, I liked her shiny-faced Heidi-hipster look because she stood out in a crowd of heavily powdered, impeccably coiffed MAC chicks. Angelina is perfect, though I miss when she used to get her tits out. America Ferrera was so cute--she looked like she was at the prom. (Remember those off-the-shoulder Jessica McClintock dresses we all had in 1994?)

Obviously, I'm biased, but I think Thank You For Smoking should have won in the absurd category of Best Picture: Musical or Comedy. Dreamgirls was entertaining, but not best-picture good. Eddie Murphy deserved his Globe, but he seemed bored and pompous during his speech.

All in all, it was fun to watch (JUSTIN!) but I'm eagerly awaiting the Oscars.

Posted by Diablo Cody at January 17, 2007 3:13 PM

What up, mofos?

This is Barnabas, aka Teh Beebs. I want you all to know that my dad bought me a hoof to eat. It's an actual hoof from some kind of ungulate. I like to chew it all day. Chew, chew, chew. Compulsively. Like a junkie. When I chew the hoof, it releases a horrid wet scent, kind of like...oh, I don't know, a dead horse. And for some reason, the act of chewing the hoof gives me gas. So basically, the house smells like horse-corpse and dog farts. Awesome!

I've lived with these people for a year or something, and they've finally accepted that I'm King Fantastic and they're lumpen serfs. I get whatever I want. I have my own bed, "The Boat," so named because I look strangely like I'm sailing when I sit on it. I also have this awesome toy. It's long and skinny and has grey and black stripes and it waves back and forth of its own accord. It's attached to Ernie's ass. Ernie gets angry when I chase and bite this toy for some reason. But that's not reason enough to stop, am I right? I mean, what's Ernie's damage?

I have a new T-shirt that says "For Sale By Owner." Daddy says he's not joking. Good one, Daddy.

Posted by Diablo Cody at January 10, 2007 1:17 PM

Coming out of blog hiatus...

...to spoo over that friggin' iPhone. God, I hope that gadget will fit in my fun-tunnel because I want to make love to it. I want to acheive union with it. Reception to follow at Applebee's, because it has "Apple" in the name and it's convenient to the Apple Store at Ridgedale Mall.

Exorcist voice: "Fuck me, iPhone!"

Jonny is right now pedantically demonstrating the correct way to make a pitcher of Crystal Light. Apparently I didn't stir it enough and the delicious Splenda sediment wound up in the bottom. He's even describing my transgression in soft, mocking, "Sushi Fats" tones.

I can't describe the "Sushi Fats voice" using words, but I hope to podcast* it soon. It's like a high pitched, slightly accented, cute-yet-grating squeal. We invented this voice for a character known as Sushi Fats, the world's most sarcastic Asian VJ. (Loyal readers know that Sushi Fats was also our nickname for George the cat, who now lives atop a mountain of Meow Mix in heavan.)

*I can apparently do that using Garage Band on my NEW COMPUTER. After four years of servitude, my white iBook has passed the baton to a new black iBook. I still love the white iBook--after all, its keyboard is impastoed with my spit, sweat, and Diet Coke dribblings--but it was time to MoveOn.Org.

Posted by Diablo Cody at January 9, 2007 11:41 PM

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