« Previous Post | Main | Next Post »

Vansterdam SNACKBOLG!

(Disclaimer: I realize that many of my readers are genuine Canucks who are already familiar with these mouthwatering perversions. Please forgive my enthusiasm/xenophobia. Also, please stop putting loons on your currency. Loons are the official bird of Minnesota. We don't have much. Leave us our loons. Leave us our loons!)

While I was in Vancouver (City of Mist!) on Wednesday, we stopped at the small market where Juno will purchase--and subsequently befoul--her first pregnancy test. There were a bunch of us there, traveling Almost Famous-style on a big tour bus. While Jason lined up shots and convened with the D.P., I became distracted by the bounty of retarded Canadian snack foods in the aisles. When it comes to foreign foodblogging, I'm no Elyse Sewell-in-Taipei or nothin'. But you'll take what you can get, won't you?

Hm. Doritos make the shortlist of Things I'm Surprised Would Appeal to Francophones. I'm not saying that just because a person speaks French they can't enjoy a fluorescent shingle of MSG. We fat, monolingual Americans don't have a patent on hypertension. But still: mordant? If I wasn't so damned cultured, I'd think they were telling me my chippies were corrosive.

Hello, nurse! I'll be courting this soft-serve beauty in my dreams. What you're seeing is a half-gallon sundae with an enticing peek-a-boo window on the lid. This is the sluttiest frozen novelty ever; even the logo seems to shimmy and undulate. JEZEBEL! GET THEE BACK!

Show me this and Dirty Dancing on TBS and I'll show you a party. P.S. There is no reason we shouldn't have this product in America. They could market it as a single-serving item.

At home or abroad, Old Dutch can always be counted on to offer the freakiest potato chip flavors. When I went off to college in Iowa, I discovered Old Dutch's Dill Pickle variation, which remains my favorite potato-based chip to this day. But seriously: b-b-bacon? I suppose these could be kind of sickeningly awesome stacked on a cheeseburger. The "crispy" modifier is so unnecessary here--could a potato chip really approximate the taste of soggy bacon? I'd like to see them try.

What a bossy confection! It's like your mother, only with nougat. A Canuck from Juno art department informed me that the Eat-More is like the original PowerBar. Apparently, they're packed with triathlete fuel or something. Doesn't change the fact that it's trying to tell me what to do. Fuck you, Eat-More. Just for that, I'm going to subsist on snow peas and water until March.

I apologize for the shitty image quality. All you need to know is that these are "roast" chicken-flavored potato chips, brought to you once again by the lunatic opium fiends at Old Dutch. I find these gruesome, probably because I'm picturing a wild-eyed Old Dutch employee pouring liquified chicken fat into a tub of potato sludge. I also can't think of a time I would be in the mood for these. Crushed elegantly atop ramen noodles, perhaps?

More fun stuff later. I'm off to the Valley to have dinner and sing "Free Falling" as I drive down Ventura Boulevard.

Posted by Diablo Cody at February 9, 2007 6:50 PM

« Where in the world is Cody Sandiego? | Main | I'M TOO EXCITED TO SLEEP! »