April 2007

Vinegar and Water

I finally picked up Jane yesterday, and of course I come off like a douche. When have I not? Cripes.

Here's the original question that was sent to me: "What's it like to become semi-famous so quickly?" That's right, the term semi-famous was theirs, not mine.

Being a cooperative former journalista, I answered the q. in a complete sentence, repeating the pertinent information for maximum pullquote potental. And of course, that's the quote that was chosen. And now I look like I think I'm semi-famous, which I certainly don't. Infamous? Perhaps. Semi-famous? No. Hal Sparks, for instance, is semi-famous. And I, sir, am no Hal Sparks.

So now, I'm officially on record calling myself a genius and semi-famous. I technically said both things, but I was led. Led! Ah, fuck it. I'm a douche.

I do like the picture, though. My cowboy boots are trashed and my eyes are small and mean.

Posted by Diablo Cody at April 27, 2007 4:19 PM

Dear Barnabas:

Please stop barking. Please. I know you love the sound of your own voice, but your frequent declarations of BOWF! are driving me nucking futs.

Also, my throw pillows are not individual dog beds for your sleeping pleasure.

Love,
The One Who Likes You

Posted by Diablo Cody at April 26, 2007 5:59 PM

There's a hefty fuckin' fee.

Tonight we ditched the "normal family" charade and went out for Mexican food, which is much more our style. As we killed a basket of fried chips, Jonny told Peanut that Free Comic Book Day coincides with her birthday weekend this year.

"They should have Free Diablo Cody Day," Peanut remarked nonsensically.

Before I could respond, Jonny said "Oh honey, that's never free."

Posted by Diablo Cody at April 25, 2007 6:21 PM

Bizarro World

Yesterday, Jonny and Peanut came home to discover a pot of spaghetti bubbling on the range. We all greeted each other pleasantly. Peanut started her homework while Jonny helped me finish dinner. I dished the 'ghetti onto plates, passed out napkins and silverware, and we all sat down to eat.

The tension became too much to bear. Someone had to acknowledge the elephant in the room. Finally, Peanut spoke up.

"Why are we acting like a normal family?"

Posted by Diablo Cody at April 24, 2007 4:57 PM

Nearly Sassy

I'm in the new issue of Jane-- twice. I contributed an adorably juvenile little essay, and also appear in the "30 Under 30" feature (photographed by the brilliant Alec Soth on his insane large-format camera.)

I have not actually seen the magazine yet, so I'll probably regret calling attention to this if I come off like a total a.) douche b.) snizz or c.) dumbass. Oh, and the '80s "big hair" weave (R.I.P.) was in full effect on the day of the shoot! IMMORTALIZED!

As I've mentioned repeatedly both on this blog and in legit publications, my adolescent dream was to appear in Sassy. (And oh yes, I will be buying this book.) Now, Jane is obviously not the same as Sassy, but it did spring from Sassy's inky loins, so I feel totally vindicated somehow. This year, I was honored to meet and befriend a former Sassy/Jane staffer, which was basically up there with the whole Spielberg thing. God, I miss "Working Our Nerves."

Anyway, buy the magazine, read it in the bathroom, read it in the dark, lick my face, what have you.

Posted by Diablo Cody at April 24, 2007 1:48 AM

Total Fluid Replacement

I'm at my dealer's right now. My Toyota dealer's, that is. I have to get my shining chariot serviced before I can drive to Los Angeles with Trixi in a few weeks. This is my first girl-girl road trip, and I am torqued. We're going to wear teddies every night and have pillow fights in Super 8's.

They have free cappucino, TV and WiFi at the dealership, so I'm chillin' while the Car Gynecologist tinkers with the Toyota's oily undercarriage. Wait-- HOLY CLUMP-FREE MASCARA! There's a transsexual character on All My Children! I once read a fascinating essay about how soaps quietly get away with shit you'd never see on nighttime dramas. The first non-comedic show to feature an openly gay character was As the World Turns-- back in 1988, when people were still afraid of catching AIDS from cuddling. Go, soaps.

I'm taking the Pussy Wagon to L.A. for good, where it will bask in the sun near my new pad. After years of road salt and snowdrifts, the Wagon deserves gentle climes and Laurel Canyon Blvd. It's going to feel weird driving my old whip around Hollywood, but in a nice way, I think. I'm so used to fumbling with rentals and having to constantly re-learn the location of the fuel door.

Right now I am so slammed with work. which paradoxically leads to total inertia. I actually write more when I have nothing due. Hence, blogging about my car when I could be working on that rewrite, or that shot list, or that book, or that pitch, or that pilot.

God, Susan Lucci is still so pretty.

Posted by Diablo Cody at April 20, 2007 12:09 PM

That's cool, 'cause I got it like that.

Posted by Diablo Cody at April 20, 2007 10:37 AM

Soda Review: Diet Pepsi Jazz (Caramel Cream)

(Jonny has been moaning about wanting to try this stuff, but unfortunately he can't consume even trace amounts of caffeine, lest sleep evade him for the next ten days. Therefore, I'm taking one for the team.)

First of all, I have major issues with the packaging. The label is gold. Metallic. I feel insulted by this fool's gold. The "Jazz" logo is in some kind of loopy calligraphy font that bears no relation to any of Pepsi's existing brand standards. Above the logo, I'm ordered to "Indulge (my) senses." What is this, bubble bath? Don't condescend to me, Pepsi. I'm not some stressed housewife who's one caramel-flavored soda away from Susan Smith-ing her kids into a lake.

Also, there's that annoying "Smart Choices Made Easy!" sting at the bottom of the label. Inexplicably, that smug little green circle appears on on everything from Doritos to Uncle Jemima's Malt Liquor these days. I fail to see how diet soda is a "smart choice." I mean, it's "smart" in that it helps me get out of bed when I'm retching Kamchatka and "smart" in that it aids in the swallowing of Chicken McNuggets, but "smart" in the dietary sense? If I manufactured a junk food item, I would put a sticker on it that said "Dumb Choices Made Hard." Then I would make the packaging impossible to open.

Finally, behind the obnoxious logo, there's a river of ochre-colored liquid spewing into a pile of Kraft-style caramel cubes, thus displacing the cubes in a splashy and dramatic style. Eh.

On to the product: The first sip honestly tasted like caramel diarrhea to me. No, it was more like eating a Werther's Butter Candy out of an old man's asshole. Subsequent sips revealed creamy nuances and an accurate caramel flavor that was unfortunately overpowered by that oversweet Pepsi taste. I think this might work better as Coke.

I like caramel a lot, but even if this was the most delicious soda ever, I probably wouldn't be able to fully enjoy it due to the packaging. It's just pug-ugly, straight up.

P.S. I'm actually enjoying this more as it gets warmer.

Posted by Diablo Cody at April 3, 2007 2:10 PM

Who you gonna call?

The movie "wrapped" last week, as a top Tinseltown prexy might say. To celebrate, we all went curling. This sport sadly does not involve brandishing a Conair heat-styling implement-- I would medal in that shit!-- but my team won the bonspiel nonetheless. Now, I could fixate on the emotions connected to the completion of principal photography (joy, disbelief, emotional exhaustion, irrational night-terrors involving reshoots and/or Luke Wilson), but I won't. Instead, I want to share with you something that happened last month: I explored an abandoned mental hospital.

(Totally apropos, right? I mean we were participating in a film directed by the scion of the dude who helmed Ghostbusters. What better time to strap on yr proton-pack and go adventuring?)

The whole company was in Coquitlam, B.C., filming various pregnancy-related scenes at Riverview Hospital. We were shooting in a well-maintained vacant wing that felt disappointingly normal. However I kept hearing whispers of a different building nearby, an unspeakably creepy, crumbling building that exclusively housed patients with severe mental illness until it was abandoned decades ago. Naturally, we had to check that shit out. I'll check out anything that's rumored to be haunted, or has the potential to be haunted. Jonny and I even went to Bachelor's Grove last spring, though all we saw were other people with the same idea.

Anyway, here's the building facade. Woooooo! (That's my ghost noise.)

The hallways appeared to have been last painted in the '70s. Our tour guide (a.k.a., the location liason) told us that this had been the men's wing. Sorry, men.

Eccch.

The electroshock therapy room, wires still intact.

Wanna take a bath?

This building is a super popular shooting location for sci-fi and horror stuff. Kingdom Hospital, Freddy vs. Jason, Battlestar Galactica and many others have literally left their mark here-- check out the cheerful wall o' signatures.

Occasionally, something non-scary shoots here 'cause it's cost-effective. Case in point: the "New York apartment" from Elf. (see below.) Yup, that attractive pre-war seven overlooking Central Park was actually part of a condemned loony bin in Canada. How weird is that?

If patients didn't behave, they were moved to these "spacious" quarters. (Beats solitary though; at least this room has a window.)

A tunnel underneath the hospital. How pleasant. Five, six, grab your crucifix...

Okay, here's where things get spooky/flaky/eerie: We were walking upstairs when I spontaneously decided to snap a photo of a hallway as we passed it. All my pics up to this point had been crystal clear; my camera has never behaved unpredictably. But when I tried to shoot this particular hallway, the camera shuddered in my hands and made a strange grinding noise I have never heard before or since. Even though I took a completely clear shot--under the exact same lighting conditions as the others-- here's what I got. (This photo has not been doctored in the slightest; how un-fun would that kind of cheatery be?)

It kind of looks like a ghost, right? Plus, my LCD was fucked up for the next minute or so. It looked like someone had smeared KY Intrigue all over the display.

Yeah. I see you, Riverview Ghost.

Posted by Diablo Cody at April 3, 2007 11:33 AM

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