May 2007

Fluid Dynamics

It's been two weeks since I went to the endocrinologist and received that series of medically necessary, fully insured, entirely non-cosmetic hormone injections. The Goode Doctor had warned me that my new breasts would feel hard, tight, and immobile for a brief period. And they did. Not that I gave a fuck. In fact, I always secretly desired a plasticine Barbie*-esque tit-shelf. I could arrange curios and souvenirs on my cleavage! For a few enjoyable days, they were literally knockers.

Obligatory tangent: When I worked at the peep show, my in-house nickname was Barbie. Mainly because I have a weird empty space between my thighs (an anatomical feature known as the "Barbie Box"-- TM Sassy magazine.) I'm not skinny, but my pelvis is like four feet wide, so I have a permanent Barbie Box. I bet I'm a good fisting candidate. I can never get my own fist all the way in, but I suspect that's more mental than anything.

Anyway, something magical happened today, re: My Rock-Hard Teats. I was running up the stairs, and they bounced. At first I thought I was imagining things, but then I tried it again. Yup, confirmed Chrissy Snow action. And here's the weirdest part: from the inside, the bouncing feels almost as if some kind of fluid is being displaced. Very queer, indeed. It's as if my breasts have been implanted with liquid orbs, if you can imagine something that fantastically bizarre.

I'm wearing a slutty top today (surprise!) and they look YOOJ. They're "fluffing," as predicted, and the volume is starting to expand horizontally. I know, boring.

Let's see, what else? I finally met John Malkovich*. But it was Planned Malkovich, not Surprise Malkovich, so I was able to make mature decisions, conversationally speaking. Come to think of it, they should have Planned Malkovich clinics on college campuses. We all need to stay informed.

I did however, engage in Unplanned Duchovny that same week (it was a sweaty, thrilling postscript to Planned Tea Leoni.) The only way to prevent accidents after such an encounter is to take a meeting with Plan B the following morning. HI-YO!

One more thing: This entertaining, Apatow-generated parody has nothing to do with Juno, though if the idea of Michael Cera impregnating someone pleases you, it is very likely that you will enjoy our film as well.

*He was wearing seersucker pants.

Posted by Diablo Cody at May 30, 2007 9:54 PM

Super-absorbent plug

Check out Jonny's celebrity drawings over at Hatesexy!

I wish he wouldn't insist on using the lame built-in camera on his Mac-- the pics don't do his sketches justice.

A typical long weekend at our house = me, unshowered, trying to write jokes upstairs while Jonny googles jamie lee curtis leotard downstairs. Heaven.

Posted by Diablo Cody at May 29, 2007 12:36 PM

Speaking of changing topography

The FUCK?

Where did these come from? I remember in the euphemistically named "Family Life" class I took in the fifth grade, they told me that my body would soon change. But after reaching adulthood still unencumbered by those fabled "breasts," I decided they were liars, all.

But it turns out that I'm just a late bloomer! Finally, I'm all a-swell with bountiful mams! PUBERTY RULES!

I'd be lying if I didn't say I was helped by a doctor. No, not one of those awful cosmetic surgeons. (Please, like I'd put anything artificial on my body-- I mean besides hair, nails, ink, genital piercings, etc.) No, I went to an ENDOCRINOLOGIST, sillies! You know, to tinker with my pituitary gland and trigger my long-delayed breast development? He says I might even get my first period soon! Finally, this 29-year nightmare of hairless, anorgasmic neuterdom is coming to an end!

The best part about this whole thing is that I was walking to Walgreens and a random Dairy Queen employee came out and ran after me for a block in his DQ uniform, yelling "COME TO MY PARTY SATURDAY!" Finally, people want to be my friend!

P.S. I did NOT bring photos of Holly Madison to my endocrinologist for reference. That would be pathetic. Nope.

Posted by Diablo Cody at May 24, 2007 1:02 PM

Astroland

Summer '07 marks the final season for Astroland, home of the world-famous Cyclone. Luckily, the woodie is here to stay. (And I would literally chain my bod to the brakehouse if any bulldozers dared to advance!)

Coney Island is my second-favorite place on Earth. Topographical changes were inevitable, but I pray the place still retains some of that wistful, shambolic, salt-and-vinegar charm. Somehow.

(Thanks to my lovely friend Paula for the photo, and the day.)

Posted by Diablo Cody at May 24, 2007 12:34 PM

Our Baby

Look, it has horrible sunken eyes!

Posted by Diablo Cody at May 24, 2007 11:52 AM

LOLgasm!

Every Eminem Song Ever.

Posted by Diablo Cody at May 14, 2007 5:00 PM

Still Making Good

I got home from L.A. this morning to discover a new award for my Mostly Blank Wall of Distinction. Apparently, I got written up as "Best Local Girl Made Good" in City Pages this year! Back 2 back, baby! My window-cling game is ridiculous!

(Last year I won the popular vote, but this year I got a special blurb, written by the Greatest Journalist of All Time. Actually, I don't know which CP staffer wrote it, but I owe them oral sex for that accurate-enough litany of my clumsy triumphs.)

That photo is from 2005, when I worked over there. (Hooray, justified-within-the-first-paragraph bias!) I have no idea why I thought that haircut and color were flattering. Maybe I wanted to look tired and potato-nosed? I also was going through a phase where I dressed disturbingly feminine. That was kind of a pupa stage for me. I think I was afraid of appearing hard and slutty to my new Hollywood acquaintances. Now I totally don't care. I'll roll into meetings dressed like Dylan Klebold and pull a can of Diet Red Bull out of my vagina. (Financiers love that trick.)

Anyway, thank you City Pages + anonymous staffer who rules. I suspect we're already pals, but we need to re-pal one of these days so I can buy you a Premium.

Posted by Diablo Cody at May 14, 2007 12:41 PM

Cinco de Guy-O

Five years ago today I finally met my Internet boyfriend in person. (Busting out this photo yet again...)

It's shocking how thoroughly and brutally we have aged each other. Must be all those long nights of screaming fights, tearful accusations, and harsh words that can't be unsaid. Either that or the booze.

This story has a happy ending, of course: a team of elite surgeons were eventually able to separate us. We were the world's first joined-at-the-head twincest survivors.

(Caption for my hand gesture: "If MAH baby loses a pacifier? Thass OK, 'cuz I got three of 'em!")

My face feels sore just looking at this picture. I remember we both were in pain from smiling so much.

Posted by Diablo Cody at May 11, 2007 1:41 AM

Soda Review: Pepsi Summer Mix

I went to Pavilions on Melrose and Rossmore late last night, in search of Rit dye for my Jessica Simpson hairpiece. This is the sort of thing I do when the spiders and heat have driven me from my apartment into the ample, surgically contoured bosom of Hollywood.

As I approached the checkout line, I noticed Pepsico's latest seasonal disgusting beverage rollout: Summer Mix, a "tropical fruit-flavored cola." No way can this taste good I thought to myself. Pepsi Jazz is the devil's semen. But of course, I bought some.

Here's a shocker: Pepsi Summer Mix is awesome. It tastes like clear Lifesavers. The tropical flavor isn't too cloying, despite the fact that this is a full-power, non-diet, tooth-eroding Pepsi product. Summer Mix even smells good, like a stripper's tit. This is the kind of thing you'd want to drink at a block party in Chicago while your neighbor grills Hebrew Nationals and your grandma smokes a Lark. And I know I usually snark on Pepsi's hideous quickie package designs, but I'm feeling too charitable to mention that the logo looks like a fifth grader named Amberleigh did it in KidPix. And accidentally leaned on the "Swoops n' Scallops" hot key.

Check out that Flash page to which I linked. Look at the chick in the foreground. I guess they're marketing this shit to the manly, high-breasted lovechild of Halle Berry and EJay Day.

My ability to retain the names of obscure American Idol also-rans is ridiculous.

Posted by Diablo Cody at May 7, 2007 5:31 PM

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