Speaking of changing topography

The FUCK?

Where did these come from? I remember in the euphemistically named "Family Life" class I took in the fifth grade, they told me that my body would soon change. But after reaching adulthood still unencumbered by those fabled "breasts," I decided they were liars, all.

But it turns out that I'm just a late bloomer! Finally, I'm all a-swell with bountiful mams! PUBERTY RULES!

I'd be lying if I didn't say I was helped by a doctor. No, not one of those awful cosmetic surgeons. (Please, like I'd put anything artificial on my body-- I mean besides hair, nails, ink, genital piercings, etc.) No, I went to an ENDOCRINOLOGIST, sillies! You know, to tinker with my pituitary gland and trigger my long-delayed breast development? He says I might even get my first period soon! Finally, this 29-year nightmare of hairless, anorgasmic neuterdom is coming to an end!

The best part about this whole thing is that I was walking to Walgreens and a random Dairy Queen employee came out and ran after me for a block in his DQ uniform, yelling "COME TO MY PARTY SATURDAY!" Finally, people want to be my friend!

P.S. I did NOT bring photos of Holly Madison to my endocrinologist for reference. That would be pathetic. Nope.