50 Cent, Danielle Steel, KISS: 10 celebrity-endorsed perfumes that shouldn't be

Categories: Hollywood
FileNew FiFi Award shot 2.jpg
The coveted Fifi "Jurassic Park" Award
Kim Kardashian, Usher, and Halle Berry were all on hand June 10th for the 2010 Fifi Awards, smelling like French harlots in a flower shop. Why? Because the Fifis honor, of all things, celebrity fragrances.

That's right, an entire awards show just to honor vanity projects by bored celebrities who've slapped their names all over mass-produced corporate scents. About time to pack up Western Civilization and start all over, don't you think? But let's have a little fun first - here's the 10 most ridiculous celebrity-endorsed perfumes.

FileKISS in concert Boston 2004.jpg
'wok via Flickr.com
They smell like Creatures of the Night
KISS Kiss Her, Kiss Him

Sophisticated, complex, and subtle: these are the things that any good fragrance should be. And these are all things to which KISS is diametrically opposed. Maybe Kiss Her has a floral head and a sandlewood finish, but until proven otherwise we're going to assume that it smells like beer, sweat, and sexless teenage years spent in the basement with our parents' hi-fi.

You want to smell exactly how she looks
Danielle Steel

Danielle Steel writes trashy textual porn for women, which is funny because she's about a billion years old - so she's either got a vivid memory of her wild younger days or she's the main squeeze of the entire Fading Sunset Retirement Village. You know how your grandma smelled right after she put that icky hand creme on? That's what Danielle can do for you.

FileJoseph Stalin with daughter Svetlana 1935.jpg
In Soviet Russia, perfume smells you!
Svetlana Iosifovna Alliluyeva
Svetlana's Breath

If you flunked history like us, your first reaction might've been "Svetlana who?" So let us hit you with some learnin'. Dearest Svetlana was the daughter of Joseph Stalin, the Communist totalitarian responsible for the deaths of a 20 million or so people who disagreed with his politics, looked at him the wrong way, or failed to inquire "How high?" when he commanded them to jump.

It's a bit strange thinking about his daughter having a signature scent; after all, what would it smell like? Vodka? Abject poverty? Genocide? We don't know, and unfortunately we never will; Svetlana's Breath is no more.

Courtesy Luciano Pavarotti
A big man with a big voice needs a big scent
Luciano Pavarotti

Luciano Pavarotti was probably the best-known opera singer of modern times, along with the other two Tenors, whatever their names are. Lord knows the man had an admirable set of pipes. But know what sells fragrances? It ain't the ability to shatter the neighbor's Waterford crystal with your vocal chords. It's sex that drives those sales, and not to speak ill of the dead, but a sex symbol dear Pavarotti was not. Why not go with a saucy opera dame like Maria Callas instead? Now there's a lady who'd have us hitting high Cs.

Courtesy Alan Cumming
He can't get no satyrsfaction
Alan Cumming

We're not even gonna comment. We're just gonna leave this here for y'all:

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