Summer Fashion Don'ts for Lads and Ladies

Big Man Big Stomach - Scenes from Morro Bay CA beach 21 June 2008 by mikebaird.jpg
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Summer's here again, that wonderful time of the year when people who have no freakin' clue  don their most poorly-considered clothes. Even the marked increase in skin-to-clothing ratio isn't enough to save most folks from falling into fashion quagmires galore. It's not like we want Armani and Prada, people. Just try to steer clear of these ridiculous warm-weather faux pas, will you?


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Best case scenario: you have pecs the size of watermelons and flexing your abs dissolves ladies' underwear within 50 feet. You'll still look like a self-centered douche from Jersey Shore. At least stick a friggin' button-down shirt over that. Nothing fancy, just something to cover up the tribal tat around your bicep.

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Shorts with tube socks

This is even worse than socks with sandals. Nothing makes us lose our lunch faster than a dude with his chicken legs sticking out of a pair of awkwardly short shorts, girded to the mid-calf with white tube socks. We suppose if you're going for that "still live in your parents' basement" look that's all the rage amongst many IT professionals, go for it. We'll just be over here getting some. Stylish alternative: footy socks.

Harrogate Town Centre 10k 2007 by Foto43.jpg
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Tiny jogging shorts

99% of dude legs are unattractive, and the more you keep them hidden, the better. Know what's not good at hiding legs? Tiny, plastic, flaming electric yellow jogging shorts. That's to say nothing of how these mothers turn see-through when soaked in sweat, and how way too many joggers opt into the "running without undies" program. Save our eyes - jog in something that covers your thighs.

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Linen pants

Linen pants are great for about ten seconds, during which you look like a Sicilian mob boss surveying his olive orchards in the warm Mediterranean sunlight. Immediately after that, they look like you balled them up, stomped on them, ran them through a cement mixer, and then shot them with a Hydroreactive Wrinkle-Ray 3000. Save yourself a double scoop of looking-like-crap and get some chinos instead.

Awkward glance by davidChief.jpg
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Fanny packs

Fanny packs sound like such a good idea. They're small and lightweight so they'll hold your keys, wallet, phone, and Glock without the weight and bulk of a backpack. In practice, though, nothing screams "I have an extreme desire to prevent human contact" like a low-slung belly bag. Get yourself a classy messenger bag and put up with the bulk in exchange for a healthy upgrade in class.

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